Late apologies

Hey, how are you?

Long-time no see. I miss you so much.

I was just clearing my garage and trying to get rid of some of things.

As you know, my inability to let things go can be a problem sometimes.

I found a picture of us last night, standing with a beautiful green forest behind us.

Do you remember that time?

It was all six of us that day.

Probably the best memory of mine.

At that time, I didn’t ever consider that it would become a memory.

Thought it would go on forever.

We were only 19.

I never noticed the message you wrote on the back.

I’m sorry I didn't answer you.

Well actually, I’m sorry I didn’t say a lot of things.

You were my best friend.

I heard the five of you see each other sometimes.

I also heard from them that you moved out of the apartment we lived in.

Moved into the big, buzzing city.

You’ve always wanted to do that.

I’m proud of you.

Life moves fast, doesn’t it?

I live in a small town in Italy at the moment.

Always moving around.

You know I can’t stay still for a long time.

I’ve been thinking so much about my life back then.

I needed to see that the world was bigger than the place we grew up in.

To be honest, I have no idea what was missing there.

Do you remember when the six of us celebrated your birthday together?

The cake got dropped on the way to the party.

Our fragile gifts broke when the table was too weak to hold them all.

We were a mess.

The best mess.

Do you remember when we all went swimming at the lake?

Ah, we were all so happy.

To be honest with you, I wasn’t sure how to write back to you.

Never knew what to say.

We haven’t spoken in 5 years.

So much has changed.

It’s weird how quickly the words spill out onto the paper.

Similar to how all of our conversations went, isn’t it?

You and I are polar opposites.

You’ve always wanted to settle down somewhere and stay there.

That’s never been me.

Life separated us.

But, of course, we are also to blame.

You know, I struggle taking blame.

In this case, I will say that I think it was more my fault.

I knew why you said that you hated me.

I also knew that you didn’t.

I just couldn’t fathom the situation.

But I get it now.

We were so young.

Sometimes anger and fear take over.

I hope you found your way.

I hope you’re happier now.

I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain.

I’ve unblocked your number and a stream of messages from you sprung onto my screen.

Wow, you really cared about me.

I’m sorry I left before expected.

You know, choices have always been tough for us.

Isn’t that why we struggled to choose a couch?

We liked them all.

I don’t know why I was so certain that I needed to travel.

I guess that wasn’t even a choice.

Most importantly though, I have no idea why I was so decisive about not giving you another chance.

You know about my family, and their painful words.

Them saying ‘you will lose everyone,’ to me was excruciatingly painful.

I didn’t believe them, because I had you.

But the day before I left, it hurt that their words were confirmed.

Now I know that I didn’t lose you when I thought I did.

I lost you when I didn’t answer your messages.

When I ignored your calls.

A simple button, blocked.

It put a distance between us which was bigger than our geographical one.

I ignored your letters.

I ignored the messages you sent from our friends.

I didn’t feel that I wanted to start this new chapter, with parts of my old one.

I realise that was a mistake.

Do you remember what you wrote?

In that very distinct and slightly hard to read handwriting, you wrote-

‘Hey, how are you? I’m going to miss you. I already do, to be honest.

You were the best room-mate.

Also, the best friend to ever exist.

The five of you got me through everything.

We must keep in touch.

I know you will be a big traveller.

I hope you find everything you’re looking for.

I always wanted a friendship group like you guys.

So much happiness and laughter.

I know I said some painful things.

I was just angry that you’re leaving.

I don’t handle change very well.

I’ve always tried to stop it.

I didn't want you to go, because that would mean I would lose my best friend.

I would also have to change so much about my own life.

I didn’t feel ready.

I still don’t.

But I know that I have to let you go.

I need to let you do what you want.

I can be selfish sometimes.

I hope you don’t hold my words against me forever.

I’m sorry about my last words to you.

So sorry.

Instead of hugging you, I pushed you even further away.

I know you blocked my number.

I’ll give you time.

Please reach out when you’re ready.

I don’t want to lose you.

Anyway, I’m running out of space so I should end this.

I love you.

I hope you come home soon.’

Home.

It’s an interesting concept, don’t you think?

I don’t know if there was ever a location in which I felt at home.

In all of my travels.

Even now, as I am writing this, I know that I am not at home.

I am in a small apartment in a beautiful town.

Surrounded by captivating and breathtaking places.

I work at the local store.

After all of this time, I still don't know a lot about myself.

I do know, that I was happy and loved when I was with the five of you.

I always wanted bigger things.

More than what I had.

I’m wondering if maybe, it is the connections that we make, that are our home.

Maybe I had a home this whole time, when I was desperately in search of one.

I’m sending you this letter, because I think that a text message simply isn’t enough.

I hope you answer me.

Sorry for being unable to forgive for so long.

I’m going to come visit soon.

I want to see you.

Will you come see me?

All six of us should meet up at that lake again, like before.

I’ll be back in September.

I love you.

I hope I get to see you.