First Letter

I was imagining when would be the last time I would hear:

“Good morning Ms.Morris, how are you today?”

One day eventually you start to think about the meaning of things that you didn't even noticed was there before.You discover that everything has value. 

The cold freeze made me feel a lot happier, that damn room was too hot in the summer, now I could finally lay down with my soft blankets without feeling useless. The woman with the nice eyes had came back and tried to start a conversation, poor lady, I was unable to speak, she thought I was being rude. Actually, I think I had always been rude, people used to think I was heartless, but I never was, in fact, I think I have a big heart, too big to my little, weak body. 

The old lady, you, Jasmine came later than usual, that was kind of growing my hopes that you wouldn’t show up, guess I was wrong again. You were yelling at me, as always. 

“I don’t know how can you be so cold. You could at least send them a message saying that you are okay, is that so difficult?!” The fact that you were one of the only person who knew I couldn’t respond to anyone was frustrating, you were doing that just to make me mad.

Oh dear Jasmine, you don’t know how grateful you made me feel for not being able to answer you in that kind of moment. In college you tried to make me learn ASL, lucky you I haven’t. You were always the best of the class, in all classes, you took ASL and I’m sure you nailed it. 

People might think I had given up as soon as the diagnostic came, but I didn’t. At first, when everyone, you and the doctors, tried to made me read out loud that exercises I wasn’t trying at all, but wait, don’t be mad at me, at least not yet. Every time I got mad and made you all left the room was because I was trying my best to get it right, I was reading it all alone, trying to get something out of that exercises. In the first three days I was unable to speak, not even a word, it was just weird noises, that frustrated me and you weren't there. I needed you being mad because I didn’t want to see you sad. But of course I knew you were both, I was too. 

On the fourth day I said something: Jas. I wasn’t trying to read the exercise, I was trying to wake you up, I saw you there, sitting on that little chair, sleeping, you were there since the first day. 

Little by little I started to say some words, it was hard, but I was getting somewhere. I never told you this because I was afraid it could bring you hope, you know I never believed in miracles, you did. 

I know you might think that this letter isn’t from me, well, it is. I was never the kind of person who talked about how I was feeling or how important thing was for me. I was polite, most of the time, but still, people thought I was a rude woman because of my lack of words. I decided that I can’t let you stay here alone with nothing, I figured out too late that words means a lot. I’m here to let you know that I tried, I still am. 

Write a note or a letter for someone that is just next to me is weird, but I’m amazed, I can do it better than I thought I could. So here I start to talk about us, as we were, and how I’ll remember, and wish you could remember that way too.

I’m about to tell you how I’ve been feeling since I met you. 

First, we met at the university library, I thought you were too young to be at university, but then I overheard your friends talking about throwing a twenty two years party for you. I was so nervous about being around you that I couldn’t stop staring at you and I’m pretty sure you noticed. Was that the reason that made you start a conversation? I never asked that, I wish I had. 

You didn’t invited me to your party and that make sense, we were total strangers, we talked for hours, but we were being friendly, that’s all. After you left I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was afraid I would scare you, but you came back to me and handed your number, that was the best moment of my entire university experience. I didn’t say a word, I know, you probably thought I wasn’t interested, but I just had no idea of what to say, which words use. 

The next day we were there again, sitting at the same table and looking to each other, I Didn't texted you because I was shy, not because I was rude. I left my book there on purpose, because I needed a reason to call you. And I did, that night I called you and told you I was looking for my book, you said it was at your dorm, you invited me over and I was so nervous. I met you at the building entrance and you handed the book, but it was the wrong one, I never told you that, but I’m pretty sure you did it on purpose and I noticed right the way. We went upstairs and you gave me the right one, I was about to ask you out when you surprised me, you asked me out first, the date was set to the next Saturday, on the last day of classes before Christmas, I remember it, that is so clear on my memory. But one week before I got sick we argued about that, you said I was insensible because I never had nothing special planned on our first date anniversary, you always made dinner to celebrate, I … didn’t do anything. I didn’t because I thought one celebration was enough and I also helped you, we used to cook together, that moment there was what I was holding on to.

Our first dance was in that empty park across the campus, we were alone and it hadn’t any music, but we danced for a long time. That night was one of the coldest one, I remember we decided to run back to the campus. That night I was sure that you were, and still is, my person. I miss the way we were cute together. Now all we do is argue, even though I can’t talk. I know I make you mad, but it isn’t because I want too, but because I have to. I don’t know how to look into your deep beautiful eyes without crying, you are stronger, I’m the weakest. 

Finally, please don’t cry, because that isn’t a goodbye letter, I hope. You see, you made me believe that hope is our strongest weapon against everything. I’m trying my best to get over it, to have my voice back, my life back, have you back. There is something I always wanted to tell you, please don’t be so hard on yourself, you are an amazing person and you are doing all you can, please rest, I’m okay. I’ll be great pretty soon. 

I promised, I won’t keep word and feelings inside anymore.

Love, 

Clarice.