Goodbye

“You know what you have to do.”

“Yeah.” The spray bottle was cold as ice as I rolled it between my fingers.

“I expect this to be done by tomorrow. You must disappear and get rid of that nuisance. Or else….” The threat hung like a cloud in the cold night air, draping over my shoulders, weighing me down. We walked away from the bench we were on, careful to make sure no one knew we were talking. As I walked back to my house under the cover of night, I thought about what I had to do. It seemed impossible, though I knew it was necessary. He had become too much of a problem. We needed to get rid of him. I rounded the corner, so immersed in my thoughts I didn’t see Cole till I almost ran him over. My little brother with his bright smile and always happy face. This was who I had to get rid of. To never speak to, never make contact with again. 

“Why the long face? I thought you would be more excited to see me.” Cole said with a teasing smile on his face. I mustered up all the courage I could and smiled.

“Nothing. Just a... long day. Let’s go inside, shall we?” I opened the door and let Cole go first so he wouldn’t see my smile drop and my eyes water. When we got inside, I took a deep breath, knowing that this would be the last time I would get to see Cole.

He sat down on the big red and green couch that he insisted I get even though it looked like someone barfed up a Christmas tree and felt like it was cut from wood. Cole always loved abandoned things. I remembered many years ago, when we were kids, playing in the backyard. A ball had launched into a bush, and Cole had gone to get it. But instead he came back carrying a scruffy black and white dog, it’s fur matted and dirty from its years on its own. I had turned my nose up in disgust at the foul smelling thing, but Cole… Well, he had been so insistent on keeping it that our parents gave in and let him keep it, on the promise that he would take care of it all by himself, keeping Scruff Scruff, as he had been dubbed, well fed and taken care of.

And Cole kept his promise all right. The old dog had lived on for only a few years after that, but Cole had loved him right up until the end. Even I had eventually come to adore the sweet dog that still acted like a puppy. Cole was devastated when Scruff Scruff died, staying in his room for hours before he had to come out to eat.

We went on to get many things from Cole’s big heart, many old pets, furniture, and now, well, now Cole had taken on my problem, the one I was supposed to carry on my own. I had dug myself into a pit and Cole, my constant companion, my best friend, had jumped in right alongside me. And now I needed to go deeper, while pushing him out at the same time. I started to pace around the room, a nervous habit. 

Cole started to talk about his life since I’d last seen him; his friends, the weird things that happened, and more. I didn’t really listen to what he was saying though, I was thinking more about what I would have to do next. I wouldn’t physically hurt him, the thought of that would be sickening. But I’d be leaving him all alone. We were the only family we had left. We only had each other. And in leaving him, I’d be alone too. I took a deep breath and pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. Just enjoy the time you have left, I thought. 

“So, Cole,” I interrupted “Why don’t we go somewhere. What about Ed’s Eatery? You always loved that place.”

“Sure!” Cole said, a big smile on his face.

**0**

As we walked through the door and the sound of a little bell rung, I was flooded with memories of this happy place. The booth we always sat at, laughing and smiling when big plates of food were placed in front of us. The smell of eggs and bacon wafting through the air, and little kids screaming at the top of their lungs. I smiled. Yes, this place was home. We sat in our regular booth, and Ed, the manager, came over to take our order. His hair was thinning out and his close cropped beard was turning white in some parts, but his familiar kind smile and soft brown eyes smiled down at us. 

“Nicholas! Gwyneth! Haven’t seen you in a while. How are you?” 

Ed always called us by our full first names, even though he knew our nicknames. 

“Ed, you know my name is Gwen.”

“Ah, but Gwyneth is prettier. Anyway, what’s your order? The usual?”

I smiled. “You know us too well.” 

As Ed went to prepare our usual order, I thought about how this would be the last time I would be at this place. All the memories here. The only things I have left. When our food finally came, it tasted bittersweet, as if my taste buds knew I wouldn’t be coming back. I started to talk to Cole, relishing this last moment together. We laughed and talked, just like old times. I kept this moment close to my heart, knowing I wouldn’t have another like this. 

When we got back to my house, I looked around the little apartment that had been my home for so many years. The rough old wooden floors, the soft pale blue and purple colors of the walls, and that ugly couch that I had come to love. I sat down on the couch, and Cole plopped down next to me, making the old couch bounce up and down from the added weight. 

“Cole?” I asked.

“Yeah?”

“Why’d you follow me that day to San Francisco?.” 

Cole’s face turned serious. He knew exactly what I was talking about. The day he got in the way and put himself in danger to save me.

“I knew you were in trouble. I had to help.” 

My eyes dropped to the floor. “You didn’t have to.” 

Cole cupped his hands around my face and brought my face level to his, forcing me to look him in the eye. “I really did.” 

A tear traced down my cheek.

 “I’m really sorry”

“It wasn’t your fault. I was the one who chased after you.”

“That’s not what I’m sorry for.”

Cole took his hands off my face but kept his eyes trained on me. “Then why are you apologizing for?”

I took out the bottle of spray She gave to me earlier. 

“For this.”

I sprayed my baby brother in the face and his eyes rolled up in his head as he slumped into my arms. I laid him down on the couch and planted a kiss on his head.

I sung a verse from the lullaby our mom used to sing to us when we were little.

Sleep in the widow, soft and warm

Keep my heart close to the glow of the moon.

Never to let it float away

Never to let it float away

When I walked out the door, cool white snow had started to fall from the grey sky, painting the rooftops white. Going against the song, leaving my heart behind.

"Goodbye Cole." I whispered into the night air.

Then I walked into the darkness.