On Special

Horace. Horace! I’m talking to you. Turn that television down and pay attention. Here’s the list. Yes, you’re going to have to go grocery shopping on your own. I have reservations about entrusting you with this, but I’ve called everyone I can think of, and no one is available. Really, after all the little favors I have done for people over the years, it is very disappointing. A few people will not be on the Christmas card list next year, I can tell you. But we are almost out of certain staples and so I will have to send you.

Yes, I know there are scooters in the supermarket, but how am I supposed from the car to the scooter? You’d have to carry me and I’m afraid you would hurt yourself. We’d be in a real predicament, me with a broken leg and you with a broken back. What do you mean that it would be hazardous if I was driving the scooter? Are you trying to say that I’m a bad driver? Never mind. I don’t have time to debate that now. Here’s the list. Tell me if you have any questions before you go. I don’t want to have to send you back again.

·      Tomorrows? No, that clearly says tomatoes. My handwriting is not that bad. Put your glasses on. You’re getting to be as blind as a bat without them.

·      Bananas. Make sure you only get the ones which are yellow with a touch of green. No black spots, or they turn to mush in a day. A person can only eat so much banana bread.

·      Milk. Plain old whole milk from plain old cows. None of that 1% skim, lactose free, A to Z vitamin, oat, almond, soy stuff. No, I have no idea when all this became so complicated.

·      Eggs. I don’t care what color they are but check that they’re not cracked. Look for free range, hormone free. I like to think of those little chickens running around even if the eggs do cost more. I know that we end up eating them just the same, but at least they have some joy in their lives before they end up on the plate.

·      Orange juice. Real orange juice, not that nectar. Nectar indeed. Fancy name for orange colored sugar water. Whatever happened to truth in advertising?

·      Cat food. Get the tuna flavored kind. Fluffy prefers tuna to beef or chicken. No, I haven’t asked him. You needn't be sarcastic. You’re jealous because he prefers me to you. He is not vicious. He only scratched you because you shoved him off your armchair. He’s very affectionate with me. You need to treat him with respect, as you would wish to be treated. Yes, I do treat you with respect, when you deserve it, that is. Now, where was I? I wish you wouldn’t make me lose my train of thought like that. Oh, and don’t forget the kitty litter. Whatever scent you prefer. You’ll be the one cleaning the litter box until my leg is better. No, that cat is not more trouble than a child. You’re forgetting how much trouble the actual children caused.

·      Cereal. Bran flakes. They keep you regular. I agree that they do taste like cardboard, so get the kind with raisins then, if you must. None of those artificial everything loopy, dippy, fruity cereals , even if they do have cute cartoons on the box. Being young at heart is one thing but eating that kind of cereal at your age is ridiculous.

·      Yogurt. Any kind you like. You can choose. Of course, I trust you with the decision. Wait, are you being sarcastic again? Horace, that really is uncalled for. I remember the time you insisted on buying twelve cartons of the mango passion flavor. I think you were seduced by the girl in the hula skirt on the label. Then you decided that you didn’t like the taste and I ended up eating them all. I was brought up to waste not, want not, but I never want to see another mango passion yogurt as long as I live.

·      Bread. When you get to the bakery, keep your eyes firmly fixed on the whole wheat bread. Roughage is very important in the diet. Avert your gaze from the cakes and pies. Why? You have a doctor’s appointment on Monday and they’re going to weigh you. The nurse was very offended by your suggestion that she didn’t know how to calibrate the scales last time. What’s that? Meringues? Well, I dare say we could make an exception for meringues or eclairs. They are light, after all, and we do need a little treat now and then. There’s calcium in the cream, which is good for the bones. It’ll probably help my leg heal faster.

·      Television snacks? Why don’t you get some chips and salsa but stick to the mild. Remember what happened when you bought the hot salsa by mistake? You started perspiring and you got so red in the face that I thought you were going to pass out. I was about to call emergency services. Also, it doesn’t bear thinking about what it did to your stomach the next day.

·      Here are the coupons. No, on second thoughts, never mind. I don’t think you could handle them. That’s an advanced shopping skill.

·      Remember that the ladies handing out little samples are not trying to be your friend. They are trying to sell their product. Be polite but firm and keep going past them. I don’t care if they are offering a special discount.

·      Don’t fall for the jargon. Organic is good. Natural means nothing. I mean, cyanide occurs naturally. Did you mutter something under your breath? Please speak up, Horace. It is quite unbecoming to mumble.

Now, do you have the reusable shopping bags? Don’t buy more at the checkout because you’ve left them in the car like you usually do. That’s how we’ve ended up with dozens of them. Now, could you make me a cup of tea and hand me the remote before you leave, please. Thank you, dear.