Anywhere But Dino's!

Anywhere but Dino’s!

Have you ever been lucky enough to acquire a free gift card to a place you’ve never been before? Well that was the case with my wife and I, this weekend. A ‘$50’ gift card to Dino’s, an Italian restaurant about 20 to 30 miles from our hometown of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania. 

We were ecstatic at the news, my wife had been dubbed employee of the month, her prize, the card. We made plans for this past weekend and headed out for our reservation set for 4:00 PM.

We arrived a little early, 3:53 to be exact, but we were the only car in the parking lot.

The building itself looked presentable enough, at least on the outside. It is the one thing I can give them credit for. “DINO’s” with a lower case ‘s’ was lit up in neon red letters, with a big ‘open’ sign beneath it. 

The door swung open and my hopeful demeanor shifted. A putrid smell hit my wife and I in the face, bad enough for us to scrunch our noses at. It smelled rotten. No workers were in sight.  There was a bell on the podium, so we rang it. Thrice, before someone came out from the back. 

They were nice enough, and sat us. The smell got worse as we moved towards the back of the restaurant. The seats were ripped and shredded, as most old mom and pop shops, but this was worse. I actually couldn’t see the leather I was supposed to be sitting on. I was sitting on pure seat entrails.

 She asked what drinks we would like and we ordered: a coke for myself and a raspberry tea for my wife. 

While we waited, we looked over the menu. A few items piqued my interest, Chicken parm, a classic Stromboli, and Alfredo.

I’m a sucker for a good Alfredo, so I decided that it was what I would order. My wife chose a crab risotto, which also sounded delicious. She was delighted, the menu stated fresh crab and she hadn’t had any for some time. We waited and conversed for a while.

At this point I checked my watch. 4:21. No drinks yet. We hadn’t even seen the waitress since we had been sat. I was getting a bit ancy. My wife reminded me that the lunch rush had just ended and maybe they were taking a small break or cleaning in up since it was just us two. She worked in the food industry as a manager for a few years, so I took her word for it. 

The waitress finally reappeared after some time with our drinks. She took our food orders promptly and apologized for the wait, with the reason being that the chef was sick and needed assistance with a few things. Great. Exactly what someone wants to hear at a restaurant, their food is being handled by someone who’s sick. May I repeat, great. 

She left again and I took a sip of my drink. Tasted a little funny, so I offered my wife a sip. It was a diet, she drank them sometimes on her lunch breaks at work she knew right away what the difference was. No biggie, I could ask her to fix it when she came back out with the food. 

Getting ready for the meal I unraveled the silverware at our table and was disgusted. I could feel the grime on the “stainless steel” some sticky residue coated the serrated part of my knife and the spoon was covered in black specks. Very appetizing. My wife’s silverware was no different, food from previously had meals stuck fast to her fork and knife. 

I offered to wash the silverware in the bathroom. I took both sets into the small washroom and tried flicking the light to ‘on’ but nothing happened. I flicked it up and down a few times. Nothing. I kept the door slightly ajar to let light from the dining room in. I placed the sets down by the sink and turned the cold faucet 90 degrees to on. Nothing. Not even a small drip. 

I returned quicker than my wife expected and told her the news. “Quite the place,” she remarked. 4:55PM. No sign of the waitress. At 5:02 she appeared, bringing our plates of food. 

I asked her for new silverware, a non Diet Coke, and mentioned that the bathroom wasn’t working.

When I did so she looked embarrassed. She simply stated, “I’m sorry sir, most people can’t tell the difference, we are out of regular coke…could I get you anything else?” Let’s just say I was a little irritated. I resorted to just water and she took our silverware into the back. 

My food was depressing, to say the least. My eyes told me it would be disgusting before my mouth reassured me. My Alfredo looked to be a pile of white liquid goop with no pasta in sight. I saw no color other than white. My wife’s risotto looked less than appetizing. It was runny, and looked overcooked from my side of the table. I slid my bowl slightly, seeing the consistency of my Alfredo sauce. It looked like water, having no thickness whatsoever. I still didn’t see a noodle even after I slid it around. 

Need I remind you, my wife and I have been the only two non working souls in the building for over an hour, and we still weren’t able to properly enjoy our food, if you even want to call it that. I was annoyed. I’m very impatient, which doesn’t help, but how would you feel, out with your spouse? 

She came back out at 5:15, with some new, clean silverware. I was excited to finally dig in, and began digging around for some noodles with my fork. Took a while, but I found some. I poked one with my fork, and there was lots of resistance. I brought it to my mouth and immediately spat it back out again. The grainy, undercooked pasta was covered in what seemed to be just melted butter with a flake of cheese for the white color. Not only was it bad, but it was cold. The sauce had no flavor, or any hint of seasonings at all. Just liquid fat. I usually try my best to put away food at restaurants, even though this was a free gift card.

My wife’s face told me she was in the same boat. I’d never seen my wife spit out a bite of food until today. She pushed her entire bowl forward after that signifying she was done. I asked if I could try the risotto, that was a mistake. The slimy crab was indeed imitation, and the rice itself was mush from being overcooked. I was done, too. I got up and rang the bell a few more times, waiting for the waitress to come back out.  She finally did and I asked for the checks. After telling her that we would not need any boxes I went and sat back down. 

5:37PM. She finally brought out the checks. I checked it and was stunned to see a $48.47 bill. Almost double what I was expecting, because the menu stated that my alfredo was only $14.99 and the risotto was understandably a bit pricier at $19.99. 

We just placed the giftcard down on the table  and left. I didn’t want to deal with the hassle and my wife could see rage boiling over in my face. We will not be going back. EVERYTHING was subpar, and I mean everything. If you want to waste two hours and not enjoy your food, by all means, go to DINO’s.

 If you want to enjoy yourself, and the food you pay for, I recommend, ANYWHERE BUT DINO’s.