Plants survive winter, I can keep breathing

Beth walked along the paths she knew so well. The sun was going to set soon but she couldn’t get enough of the spring air. Fira her dog, a Finnish Spitz, walked at her side. Many dog owners let their dogs run ahead of them, but Beth knew that by keeping Fira beside her, the dog knew who was in charge and wouldn’t try to run off towards something that excited her.

Beth had had a long day and was happy to relish the bit of alone time. Her roommates would pester her when she got back, but for now she allowed a bit of peace into her world. Both Sarah and Jen worked in the lower offices of the building Beth worked in. Thankfully they hadn’t met at work though. They’d met through a book club. Beth remembered how they’d all clicked and had ended up looking for a place together. They now lived in a townhouse that was only a ten-minute commute to work.

Beth watched the birds and people as she and Fira continued to walk. Sarah and Jen could be nosy and wanted every detail of anything that happened to Beth during her day. Sarah had a boyfriend and Jen a girlfriend, so Beth didn’t understand why they wanted all the little details. It wasn’t like they needed to live vicariously through her after all.

Simon had stopped by the office again. This meant that somehow Sarah and Jen would have heard about it, and she’d be questioned when she got home. She’d only escaped questioning because she’d grabbed Fira’s leash and asked the sweet dog if she’d wanted to go for a walk the second she’d gotten home. She’d been hiding in the park ever since.

Simon was the oldest son of John Walker. Simon used his mother’s maiden name, Johnson. His father owed multiple businesses, restaurants, and hotels all over the world. Beth had met Simon when they were both in university in a creative writing class. Beth had taken the course on top of her other classes because she knew she’d need a creative outlet to survive. They’d also shared painting, sculpting, and other art classes together. They’d become friends in the first semester and began dating in the second. Five years later they were still together.

Beth was an editor for Daven’s Publishing. It wasn’t well known because it used names from the companies underneath it on the covers. Which section your novel fell under determined which section the company used to publish your book. It was an odd way of doing things, but it worked. Beth was due a promotion, as was Simon. He was going to be heading a few more of his father’s companies soon.

Beth smiled as she remembered meeting Simon’s brother two years ago. Peter had been shocked that she had roommates, she made enough she could afford her own place after all. He didn’t understand that she lived with roommates to avoid being alone. Simon had eventually told his brother to shut up. Beth hadn’t wanted to explain that she avoided getting her own place due to her mental health.

Beth had been diagnosed with anxiety as a child, when she hit puberty she’d been diagnosed with depression. As an adult she’d started having panic attacks which later led to being diagnosed with other things until they’d finally decided it was actually PTSD. She had both regular and child PTSD. Simon was well aware, but his family was not.

Beth sat on a bench and thought of the moments when she’d met each of his family members. His sister Georgia was an artist, she ran her own gallery now. Georgia had been thrilled to meet Beth, they’d met just months after Simon and Beth started dating. John, Simon’s father, hadn’t met Beth until the following Christmas, nor had Vivian Simon’s mother. It had been a bit awkward, but Beth had made it through with them all thinking the best of her. Peter had met her only a month prior to that dinner. Beth had been to Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners with Simon’s family ever since. Simon had offered to go to her family’s holiday dinners at first, until Beth explained she didn’t have any family.

Beth looked at the tree in front of her, it was the same tree where her father had taken her on picnics as a child. She only vaguely remembered her mother; the woman had died when Beth was only five. Suicide. Beth had been the one to find her mother’s body. That, the car accident a year before, and the train accident the year after, were the main reasons her psychiatrist had diagnosed her with C-PTSD. Her father’s death, he’d died in a fire, a sexual assault, and managing to get shot during a bank robbery were the main reasons the same psychiatrist had also diagnosed her with regular PTSD.

Her life had not been easy. Sarah and Jen knew nothing of her past, and Beth had every desire to keep it that way. They knew she had meds she was to take as needed, psychologist appointments every month (more often if she needed), group therapy every so often, and a service dog. They didn’t know why, but they knew Beth didn’t like to talk about it. Surprisingly it was the one thing they never pushed on.

She should be happy. Spring was here, her boss had told her she was getting promoted within the next week or two, she had a great place to live, good friends, and someone who not only loved her but understood. Beth heard Fira whine and the dog jumped up on the bench beside her. Fira laid her head in Beth’s lap. Beth stroked her dog’s head and ears as she fought with her depression and anxiety. She really hated change.

She looked at the ring on her finger, put there just today. Simon had proposed during lunch. She’d accepted and now she was terrified. She’d been excited about the promotion, and while more than anything she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Simon she’d be in the public eye. Her life tragedies would slowly appear in all the news papers. Her psychiatrist appointments would be noticed. What scared her more was that Simon’s family would learn about her past. Georgia already knew some of it, but none of the rest of his family knew. Simon would get into another fight with his father over her. It’d happened once already.

Struggling to breath Beth forced her focus to the world around her. Trees just starting to turn green, the buds becoming tiny leaves. The grass was turning green with the rain and sun they’d had recently. Flowers popping up, sprinkling colour throughout it all. The sun, still up, shone on her back warming it. Continuing to pet Fira, Beth focused on the world around her. Spring meant hope, rebirth, a fresh start. If the plants could weather the winter storms and startle the world with their colours every spring, she could keep breathing.

Slowly her breathing became normal, thankfully it hadn’t escalated into a full panic attack. Beth got her pill bottle out of her purse and used a swallow from her water bottle to get the pill down. While she’d weathered this one, another could catch her off guard on her way home if she wasn’t careful. Using the resolve she currently felt, Beth sent a text to Simon. He’d wanted to tell his family today at dinner, she’d just told him that he was having dinner at her place and that his family could wait until tomorrow.

He’d be confused at first, but she knew he’d understand. He’d told her earlier that he’d happily ride her rollercoaster of a life with her. The ups and the downs. He’d done that already, after he thought about it he’d understand why she didn’t want to deal with his family tonight. But was he the only one giving in their relationship. She’d helped him through his anger at his father, helped him work on his struggles with imposter syndrome when he took charge of one of his father’s companies. Theirs was a battle of life where they stood back to back. Each watching out for the other.

Fira got up and so did Beth. The two of them walked through the park paths on their way home. Life was not perfect; Beth knew that more than anyone. It was filled with storms that took you by surprise. They broke your branches and ripped off your leaves. How you dealt with the storms was up to you. You could pick yourself back up or be like her mother and give up. Beth didn’t blame her mother. She’d learned later just what her mother had been dealing with, and while she wished her mother had gotten help and stuck around, Beth had had her own moments where she’d given up. Unlike her mother Beth had reached out. She’d gotten the help she’d needed and continued to do so.

Beth smiled at the sounds of laughter as children ran on the grass. She still felt the weight of her depression and anxiety, they never truly left her. The difference was she’d remembered she didn’t have to battle this alone. Birch trees were a system of roots that lent each other strength. She was going to go home to her own support system. Somewhere between six month and a year she’d happily tie herself to her strongest support.

Beth stopped at the edge of the park and looked back. It still felt like her father supported her every time she visited this place. She knew he’d be proud of her, and that he’d be thrilled with Simon. She wished the two could have met. With a last look at the park so full of the life spring brought to the world, Beth turned and headed home.