I should give up. It's been five years for goodness sake. I've had my heart hurt so many times, but I'm still going to wait. I'm convinced that it'll be worth it.
That's what I wrote in my journal one night at summer camp. It was after our evening session at chapel. The theme that week was marriage, so it's easy to understand why I was feeling the way I was.
I still remember that week, specifically Thursday of that week, Thursday night. But the events leading up to that night are crucially important, so let's start there.
"I know who he likes," I say with a mischievous smile on my face. The attention in our small cabin is all focused on me. It gets silent for a moment, enough for me to hear the steady rain that was keeping us from our free-time at the lake.
"Oh my gosh!"
"Who is it?"
"There's no way you know."
I knew this would capture everyone's attention, no one knew who Asher liked. I suspected that it was Mary. It obviously hadn't been confirmed by Asher, but they were perfect for each other. It made me jealous for a while because Asher was one of the cutest guys that went to our church. We had a history, not a serious one, but we liked each other when we were younger. All I wanted now was to be friends, but I don't think he even wanted to acknowledge that.
"Amy, tell us who it is!" Emmy says from her bunk. Everyone else piped up in agreement. Except for one person, Mary. Her and Asher had become particularly close in the past few months. She was really outgoing and had a glowing personality that I was quite jealous of. Her hair was a perfect blonde color, and she cared the tiniest bit about other peoples opinion. She had an old soul, she admitted it herself. She knew what was best for herself, and others. I found myself comparing my nature to hers sometimes, it was something that brought my self esteem down.
"I can't! You'll have to figure it out yourselves."
That was how the conversation ended. The rest of the night consisted of card games, boy talk, talking to boys, singing worship songs, and finally, chapel.
That night at chapel, something caught my attention, but also misdirected me from the sermon for the rest of the night. I was stuck in my own thoughts, replaying the same words that the pastor had said over and over in my mind.
"Don't spend your time searching for the right one, you don't want to get distracted from your calling to be the right one."
For some odd reason, Asher came to my mind. When he did, tears came to my eyes. There was something that was taunting my soul. It was saying to me, You'll never be the right one.
The worst part of it was, I believed it. Normally, I would tell my friends Marissa and Lacey about this, but I kept it to myself and went on with the week.
It became clear that I had made a mistake by announcing my knowledge of who Asher liked. News started spreading around, and I knew my name would be mentioned. I started walking between Marissa and Lacey, diverging myself from the view of Asher. I had a feeling he already knew, I could be so stupid sometimes.
Wednesday night was when he heard, at least I think so. We were sitting at dinner, Asher had just walked in with his sweet tea in his hand and his tray in the other. While taking a sip out of my cup, I see Ben walk over and quietly say something to Asher. Like a horror movie, I can feel their eyes flick over to me, burning holes in my dignity.
"So Amy, there's a few rumors of who people think Asher likes," my friend Kim says, distracting me from my embarrassment.
"Oh yeah, who?"
"Well, Jamie thinks it's Hannah, Hannah thinks it's Danielle, and Grayson thinks it's her," she says. I force a laugh at all the wrong answers.
"Are any of those right?" Finn asks, he's one of our guy best friends.
"I can't confirm even the right answer," I say, smiling. I pick up my tray after Marissa and Lacey are done, and we start to walk out. It's always a struggle, walking out of the dining hall. Especially since I have a tray in my hand, a big metal water bottle, and I have to avoid the legs of chairs that threaten to be the death of me. My stomach is a guitar, and electric one right now. The strings are being plucked at a grisly pace as I walk past Asher and his clan of fear-striking friends. But soon enough, the strings become vacant of a player as I'm almost out in the open, an area with no apparent dangers. Then, my loose shoe lace catches under someones chair, making me lose my balance and fall right onto my face.
Right. Behind. Asher.
I try to stand up without the help that's being offered by a numerous amount my christian friends, but I ignore it and fall right back down. I can hear the stifled laughs coming from Marissa and Lacey which make me mad. We would laugh about this later, but not right now. A hand on my back helps me up and I turn around to say thank you...to Asher. I was convinced that my face couldn't get any more red, but I was proven wrong.
"You're welcome," he says with his smile that woos all the girls. I smile and start to walk away when he calls my name.
"Uh, can we talk after chapel tonight? I just need to ask--tell you something."
"Okay," I say, knowing well enough that I'll be avoiding him and the so-called talk he wants to have.
My youth pastor takes my tray and I walk out scowling at Marissa and Lacey.
I ignore Asher after chapel and all day on Thursday. Whenever he would come close, I would pretend to be caught up in a mildly interesting conversation.
We were walking back to our cabin on Thursday night. It was our very last night, so the boys all got to come to the girls cabin, staying in the common room, to sign t-shirts and hang out.
"Amy! Amy. Amy Moss?" Someone was yelling my name, my heart started to beat ten times faster than I was sure it was supposed to. It was just a counselor, though.
"Hey, I'm pretty sure you left your water bottle at the ball courts, you can go get it if you want, just hurry back before worship," she says. I realize that I did leave my water bottle there and I tell Marissa and Lacey that I'll be back.
It was dark outside and the sounds of the cicadas were deafening. I kept hearing footsteps in the woods but I figured it was a squirrel or something. I grab my water bottle and start walking up the hill when I hear someone right behind me.
"You can't avoid me all week, Amy." I turn around and Asher is standing behind me with his hands stuffed in his jacket-pockets.
"Why are you here?" I ask.
"I was asked to make sure you got back alright."
"Well, I'm alright, so you came down here for no reason," I say, walking ahead of him. I start shaking from the cold, at least I think it's because of the cold.
"Take my jacket," Asher says. "You're cold."
"I'm fine, we're not far from the cabin."
"I am fine."
"Why are you telling people you know who I like?" The question is so blunt that it catches me off guard. I stop walking and wait for him to catch up to me. When he does, I turn and face towards him.
"Because I do," I say, still shaking like a leaf in the wind.
"How? Actually, Who--Who is it?"
"Mary!" I shout, my breath appearing in front of me, even though it's the middle of June. "You like Mary!"
"What makes you think that?"
"What do you mean? You guys are perfect for each other! She's the most outgoing person I've ever met! I can't hate her because she's also the nicest person I've ever met, and she--she's the right person," I say, trying to keep the tears out of my eyes.
"Amy," Asher laughs, "Mary is like a sister to me, I would never ever like her." He moves closer to me, close enough for me to feel the warmth from his body.
"I don't believe you," I say, crossing my arms over my trembling body. Before I can refuse, he takes his jacket and wraps it around me, the warmth is astounding. His green eyes catch mine and he cups my face with his hands. Then, his lips are on mine. I was living every girls dream, but it was real. When he pulls away, he searches my face.
"Amy," he says.
"You are the right one." Then he kisses me again, more tender this time. This one meaning more than the first. Maybe it was because I was happy. Maybe because I finally was given the conformation that I needed. Either way, I knew that he was the right one too.
The wait was worth it. I found my prince, it just took me some time to realize that I was the princess.
That was my last journal entry from that summer. I didn't realize that I was waiting for Asher. When I did, it struck me that it had been five years. Then I realized, when you find the right one, you'll wait for the longest time. My time was five years. And I'm completely convinced that it was five years too short.
One more thing, I will never forget is that night Mary came up to me and said, "I knew he liked you."