Paronomasia

February 6th : " A clown ! "

What was that? I mean seriously! What was that? He tried! I mean he really tried! 

OK, dear journal I think we have to talk tonight. We need to talk right now. I'm upset! OK let's begin by the beginning ... Because if I've just paid attention to the details I'm sure I will not be up at 3 am. Well as you know, I'm single right now... yeah I'm old,  yeah I have gray hair in every hair place of my body ( even in place I didn't expect them to grow ) ... but let's not talk about it right now...

Yeah I'm single. And as you know, I'm on this new dating app called "L.A.F.S".

What's "L.A.F.S" ? It's just an acronym for "Love At First Sight"...I should have known form the beginning that with such a lame name, I shouldn't try it. But you know, I want to meet someone...finally. The app is cool, nothing fancy. I've created my profile yesterday.

Username : "Tigreyss". 

What ? That user name rocks, and on top of that when the guys see the name tag, they know I'm the "real deal"... An old "real deal" but a "real deal" nonetheless. So, the after that, I've indicated my birth date. January 6 1986. And to finish, I've added some cute little pictures... Me at the beach in my gorgeous purple swimsuit;  me looking cute at the restaurant;  mein my bed looking tired but beautiful...you know the essential to capture THE guy. Ticked the checkbox to accept the terms of service. I did't even know why they asked me all that.

Let the Tigreyss chase some men ! And boom, that was it.  My account was created on L.A.F.S ... You know what, I hate that name.  I'm sure that it was one guy that suggested :

"Hey guys, we should name the app L.A.F.S because its an acronym for Love At First Sight "

Really ?!? And then the other people agreed to what John said...By the way my intuition tell me it's a John... :

" Yeah, John that's a great idea John."

Bunch of idiot kiddos ! OK, so I had my profile setup and stuff and then I received my first message. Just a few seconds later?! What ? My account wasn't even a minute old and there was already some guy messaging me ? In my mind I said : "It must be a creep Regina, ignore him!"

1 minute passes.

2 minutes passes.

10 minutes passes.

Another message comes. Same dude. At this moment I thought "Sir please calm down. Let me enjoy my account a little bit before going to the battlefield." Especially because I was looking at the profile of a good looking biker; with a full beard on his motorcycle, shirtless ...Anyway.

1 HOUR passes !

No other messages. I though ... Come on guys ! I know I'm not the beautie that I was in my twenties, but really ? Nobody else. So I just gave up... I 'm wasn't going to answer to that guy ...But I couldn't resist to be honest ! So I checked the messages from "UrChocolateBox"

First message :

"Hey Tigreyss, I love your name tag :)"

Of course he did. That was it. He was probably testing the waters. To see if I would answer right away. No no no, my friend. I know the rules of the game. That's not going to work on me...that's what I thought!

Second message :

" Feeling hungry ?" 

That! That right here ! That right here puzzled annoyed me a lot.I'm mean can't you just compliment me or something ? No you start with a joke that I'm seeing 10 thousand miles away! Chocolate...hungry...you know...Then I said to myself, this dude want to play. Let's play then !

" Yeah, "

" What you got for me ?"

I don't know if a second happens, but he answered right away.

" You already know ... Chocolate :)"

OK, I'm 34 years old, and I don't know but this guy didn't seem like a mature guy.

I thought I was talking to a child. Or a teenager playing those stupid video games on the internet. Or worse ... an adult version of that teenager, living in his mother basement ...playing video games while chatting with me and at the same times eating potato chips. Thinking about it made me sick. But I had nothing to do. So let's do it I said, let's see what this guy is made of.

" You thought it was funny ? "

The moment, I posted it , I saw , again, the little bubble indicating that he was typing. 

" You have to admit it, you laugh a little bit :P"

" No, not even a smirk."

" That's a YES in disguise baby ;)"

I don't know what was the most annoying infuriating part. The "baby" or the little smiley a the end. First of all I hate when people end their sentences with a smiley! I hate it! Second of all, "baby" ? He had the guts to call me "baby" ? This guy asked to be properly roasted that I night ! I swear on the tomb of Grandpa that I wasn't going to let him go like that.

" Sir, please do not call me baby."

" I'm not your girlfriend"

" not your ex"

" none of that"

" So please do not message me again!"

Boom ! There you go ! I don't know what was wrong with this guy. Or was it me ? Was I cursed or something ? No... That's it I was done with the app. So I just deleted it. That dude was so annoying !!! A true clown .

February 10th : "Almost messed up"

OK, you know what. I can't sleep no more. It's been 4 days, since I talked with this clown and since then I couldn't sleep. And I thought this morning that it was mister "UrChocolateBox"'s fault. I needed to understand what led this guy to contact me in the first place ! I was convinced it was HIS fault! Why ? I was only sleeping 4 hours per night these last 4 days. That's not normal! And when I was thinking about it in the morning, I had this "Ha Ha" moment. I didn't even look at his photos ! Stupid! I was really stupid ! I assumed it was the reason why my mind was racing everywhere instead of sleeping.

I needed to see his UGLY, potato chips' eater FACE! I needed that to understand that this guy wasn't worth it. That i didn't commit a mistake by talking to him like that. Because I thought about him. I thought about him at work, while my boss was complaining about the issues in the translation of that stupid book. I don't even know why those toadies people are so stressed out about that book.  It's horrible! I suspect that they only cared because it's a famous author...but the book is SO bad. Anyway, I thought about our HIM ?! How was it possible ? Han ? How ? I needed to look at this guy to convince myself. So I downloaded L.A.F.S again. Just to see to which type of clown I was talking to all this time. Done ! I opened it directly !

OK, no message from our guy. But wait no message at all ? That's annoyed me more than anything! I mean...I'm not ugly so how come I don't even have one message ? Not a single message... But that wasn't my current issue. I need to see his face ! Went back to my messages to see the profile of our joker.

And then my jaw almost dropped, like in the cartoons. He was fine. So handsome. Like an angel... Don't get me wrong he wasn't a model. But he could have been one a few years ago. He was tall. He had a beard. A lumberjack beard.  He wasn't skinny. Not chubby.  But he had a daddy body ... with abs. The perfect guy for me!

He had 3 pictures. The first one was a portrait. I could see he had some grey facial hair. OK, that's cool...At least he wouldn't be surprise... In the second picture, he was at the beach. That's were i saw my future six pack. The last picture, he was wearing a suit and was at some sort of formal meeting or something. That's when I knew I was looking at him as a potential match! That's unfair. But at the same time it's my fault.  I should have looked at his pictures before lecturing him about his bad humor ... I messed up this time. At least that's what I thought ! 

Because Mr "UrChocolateBox" messaged me a few seconds after I was done looking at his abs. And you will not believe what he said to me.

" Hey Tigreyss, am I cute enough ... Now ?"

What ? Was it some sort of voodoo magic ? No, that doesn't exist. My first thought was that this dude was spying on me.  Because the timing couldn't have been so perfect. I answered right away.

" Are you spying on me ?"

That was my mistake ! It was a sign of weakness... every woman with experience knows that she shouldn't show any sign of weakness... Too late ....

" Ha Ha Ha, not at all"

" Apparently you are new on the platform"

" Premium users are notified when other people look at their pictures ;)"

I never felt so relieved...So analyzing his message...It seems that he wasn't angry at me nor even remembered our previous conversation. That was strange but hey, this was my opportunity to attack :)

" Ha Okay...No more bad jokes today ?"

" Oh, you do like bad jokes now ? What a change in 4 days :)"

That was it ! A chance to redeem myself. A chance to bite my prey. A chance to cover our first conversation with a small little lie to start over. And I indeed took my chance !

" Sorry for the last time, I had a bad day at work so I wasn't in the mood to take any jokes ( good / bad ) "

That was it. After that, your girl spent the rest of the night talking with mister good looking "UrChocolateBox". Oh snap ! I didn't asked his name... I will do it tomorrow :)

February 12th : " They played with me (smh)"

It's frustrating when someone give you gift and before you can open that gift, that same person says something like :

" Yeah, about that gift. I will have to take it back...Sorry :)"

Or rather :

" Yeah, about that gift. There is nothing inside ... Sorry :)"

Yes the smile is to illustrate an actual smile on the face of whoever does something like that. I don't know why but in my mind they had to smile! I hate those people !This is exactly what I felt when I received this message today on L.A.F.S... I didn't believe what I was reading : 

" Dear Tigreyss, "

" We are happy to see that you enjoy using our application."

" It's been a week now, and we hope that you've been delighted by the company of "

" our bot UrChocolateBox ;)"

" As indicated in our term of service ..."

I couldn't believed it !!! I did't even wanted to read the rest of the e-mail. I don't even remember what they were saying. A what ? A bot ? B ... O ... T ? BOT !?! Like a machine ?!? UrChocolateBox was a bot ??? Was I talking to a bot for almost a week ? Did they really played with me all this time ? I mean technically we actually talked twice but still ...

I was chatting with a bot ? Probably the bot that was developed and designed by the same "John" guy that gave this STUPID app its STUPID name ! Come on ! I can't believe it! But now that I think about it ? This guy was responding too fast. Usually guys don't answer that fast. They try to marinate you with the time in order to strike with their best catchphrase...or the one their friend tell them.

I AM THE STUPID ONE...

I should have know that the guy with the weakest humor in the world couldn't be the same guy in the photo.

IMPOSSIBLE !

After that I didn't even read the rest of the e-mail... I'm so disappointed that he wasn't real ... but at the same time, happy that it's over. I've definitively deleted my account. Removed the app from my phone for the second time. Gave one star to the store with NO comment...  When I think about the stress, the insomnia it caused me I'm so embarrassed... Especially when I think about the face of the guy that have designed the bot... If I see him in person... I swear I will commit a crime that day...

But wait a second...This guy, the guy that has ( in my mind at least ) suggested that the application should be named L.A.F.S. That "John" guy. That's probably the same dude that have developed the bot ! Yeah ! No creativity ! Same humor !

L.A.F.S ... who name an app like that ...

Wait ... L.A.F.S ...LAFS...laugh ?... 

Was it a pun all this time ?