I Wish You Got Your Way

I step forward, my heart racing. I’ve had to do this before - not too long ago, actually. But even if I did it a million times, it would still hurt. It would hurt a million times more than the last time.

This is something I hate doing.

But everyone has to do it. I wish I was an exception, but what makes me any more important? Living without loss can’t really be living, can it? Anyway, there’s no point in wishing. Wishing is something you do when you have no hope. If you have no hope,  you have no hope. Wishing is an excuse.

I feel tears in my eyes, and I open my mouth, hesitant. I don’t know if it’s just me, or… I don’t know. It seems like the words refuse to leave my mouth. So I look at him, biting my lip, and say, “I have to tell you something.”

He smiles, his green eyes lighting up despite the cloudy day. “Sure. Tell me.”

“I have to say,” I whisper, not able to meet his gaze anymore. That happy face of his - I won’t be able to bear the pain of his smile falling. He’s always been so optimistic, so joyful, sure that I would - and he would - find happiness in this dark place everyone calls a world. “And I’m sorry about this, but I -” 

“Wait!” he interrupts me, his eyes wide. He knows what I’m about to say. He knows that neither of us want to hear it. He shakes his head. “Not yet.”

“Listen,” I try, my voice shaking along with my hands.

“No. I… I got a dog yesterday.”

“You did?” I act surprised, even though I already knew he got a dog. We both sigh. My lying will get us nowhere, it’ll just postpone. “It’s a Shiba Inu. I know.” I don’t want to sound as desperate as I do, but I can’t help myself. When you have to say goodbye, it’s easier to get it over with sooner rather than later. As is everything in life.

His eyes turn glossy, filled with tears. I’ve never seen him cry. I don’t want to see him cry. “Mia, I got into the school I always wanted to go to. The one you’re going to. I’m so excited to go. Together. With you.”

“Aiden…” why is he making this so hard? My head begins to pound with a headache, so I close my eyes and press my hands over them. Enough, please.

“Hey, did you know that I was born at a very young age?” he says, louder, as if it would make reality less true.

I nod, feeling the tears I had been holding back wet my palms. I wipe them away. My face is warm. He watches it. He’s seen me cry many times, but this is the one time it really matters.

“Ever since we met,” I begin, and for once he doesn’t interrupt me. He just looks, his expression sad, weak, upset, lonely. “I knew we would be friends. But you know that nothing lasts forever. Everyone shipped us or thought we were dating because you are a boy and I am a girl. They said that a boy-girl friendship was impossible, basically - and they said that nothing was impossible, at the same time. I know we both know that some things are impossible. The last thing that would be impossible though, is our friendship.

“We’ve been through some rough times. Yet we never parted. Do you remember when we were in eighth grade? You would tell me that I was the best friend you would ever have in your life. Then you told me about this girl you had a crush on. I thought it’d be fine. I supported you, but eventually you two got closer. One day, you didn’t come to wait for me in front of my classroom. I texted you, I asked where you were, I was more concerned then I had ever been. You told me that you were with her. Walking her home. So I called you, I screamed at you, telling you that you had a choice. Her, or me. I asked you if you would choose love over friendship. And then I hung up.

“I spent the weekend nights lying awake in my bed, not able to sleep. Even the tears that fell from my eyes wouldn’t make me. You didn’t text me. When we got back to school, I had to keep from bursting into tears every time I saw you. You never came over to me, didn’t even interact with me. At all. Just with her.

“She had replaced me. But when I saw you glance at me, I knew she hadn’t fully. Your eyes were full of pain. We didn’t fully understand each other.

“We were assigned partners for math. I asked you, angry and hurt, why you never talked to me anymore, and you only said three words, but they all broke my heart. ‘I chose love’. I shattered inside, and you knew that. You didn’t apologize.

“Slowly I realized that you weren’t the one that needed to say sorry, it was me. Eight years of knowing each other, but we still… didn’t.”

I watch, a lump forming in my throat as his frown twitches into a smile. He laughs.

The laugh was the strangest thing I had heard. It was choked up, but joyful. Before, I never thought we would part. Before, he never thought we would part. Now, we both know better.

We would have gone separate ways, even if I never had to move. Neither of us is perfect. Our friendship isn’t perfect. It’s as good as it’ll get, and that’s good enough. We love each other, not for love, but for friendship.

Love, or friendship? I had asked. I thought he would choose me. I thought he would always choose me. I learned my lesson, for better rather than worse, I think. 

In a way, he chose both.