The Scavenger Hunt of Shame

I stumble out of my bedroom, still wiping the sandman’s sand out of my eyes, and shuffle into the kitchen. It’s still dark out, but I didn’t get much sleep, because apparently Will brought home some woman last night, and things got loud.

I’ll be so happy when his place is finally renovated. Sure, I have plenty of room and I agreed to let him crash here for a couple of weeks. But that was when I thought he would actually respect the rules of the place he was a guest in. Oh how wrong I was. He may have taken the phrase “make yourself at home” a little too literally. It’s barely been a week and most of my food and a lot of liquor is now gone. At least he kept any major messes contained to the guest bedroom. But still, it will be really great to get my own space back to myself.

I go turn on the coffeemaker and rummage through the cupboards to see what survived the black hole known as Will’s stomach. I find a half a box of strawberry pop tarts. Jackpot! I rip open the foil and place them in the toaster. As I go to the cupboards again to pull out a mug, I track some movement out of the corner of my eye.

A woman, with long blond hair, holding a blazer and a purse was trying to tiptoe to the middle of the apartment. She turned to me and gasped. I don’t even bat an eye. One of the things Will had promised me when I let him stay was that he wouldn’t bring any strange people over. But I guess a player is gonna play.

“Hi,” I say completely deadpan. Picture the scene in The Dark Knight where the Joker meets Harvey Dent In the hospital. It was that kind of tone.

“Um hello,” the woman says smiling awkwardly and waving nervously. She looks vaguely familiar, but I can’t quite place her.

“Will still asleep?” I ask.

“’Yeah,” she says nodding as she buttons her blouse all the way to the top.

The Pop tarts pop out of the toaster. “Want one?” I ask.

She shakes her head. I take the treats out of the toaster and put them on a plate. The coffee is still percolating.

“You trying to sneak out?” I ask bluntly.

The woman blinked. That question probably sounded a bit suspicious, but hell with it. It’s my place and it’s too early for niceties.

“I mean, it’s okay if you are,” I say, trying to ease the tension. “I just want to know so I can make fun of him later.”

The woman looked around awkwardly. “Yeah, I guess so.”

I pour myself a cup of Joe and take the pop tarts to the couch. “Well, nice meeting you,” I say as I nonchalantly walk by her and sit on the couch and look for the remote. 

I really shouldn’t be this cavalier. There is a strange woman in my house. But I know Will enough to know that he wouldn’t bring home just any strange woman. He did have a discerning eye. She is kind of cute, with her brown eyes and button nose. She looked a little short and stocky, but looked like she had some muscle to her. And looking at her clothes, she’s probably upper middle class. Hopefully she isn’t a psycho.  She somehow looks oddly familiar. I can’t put my finger on it, but I get this eerie feeling of déjà vu by looking at her.

This mystery woman puts her purse down on the kitchen counter. “Look, ah,” she starts.  “This is kind of awkward…but could you help me find my things?”

“Things?” I ask as I take a sip of coffee. “What things?”

“Just my shoes, and my glasses.”

I continue sipping my coffee. How hard can that be?

“And my ring.”

I stop in mid-sip. That one sounds ominous.

“And my gun.”

I spit the coffee out. 

“Your what?” I say, between coughs.

“My service revolver. In an ankle holster,” she says.

I start wheezing. “Service revolver? You’re a cop?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. Is that a problem?”

“N-no, not at all,” I stammer. I’m fairly certain marijuana is legal in this city, but I’m still unclear about how much you can have before you need some sort of license or something. And of course I don’t have any of the sort. But I do have a ton of ganja.

Not that I plan to distribute any of it. I just love me some Mary Jane. I ain’t sharing with anyone, not even Will.

Well whatever. The sooner we find her things, the sooner she can get out of here. “Let’s just start,” I say as I start pulling out the couch cushions.

“Ok,” she says. “I’ll be in the bathroom.” 

I start patting down the couch cushions and looking under the couch to see if maybe something fell under. I eventually find the ring. My first reaction is to thank God that it isn’t a wedding ring. It’s actually a high school ring. It’s gold with the school colors of blue and red of Wyatt High School, my alma mater. Class of 2005, the same year as me.  I look at the engraving inside. It says “Jodie Blatt.”

Jodie Blatt…Jodie Blatt…

No way. It couldn’t be her. Could it?

“YES! FOUND MY GUN” the woman hollered from the bathroom. She burst out of the bathroom waving a revolver. As soon as I see that sight, I instantly throw my hands in the air, still holding the ring in my hand.

“Don’t shoot!” I plead.

The lady lowered the gun. “Why would I…what are you doing?”

I…am...slowly...lowering…my…hands…now,” I say slowly. “I...am…not…holding…a…weapon.” I inch very gingerly towards her and hand her the ring. “Is your name Jodie Blatt?”

She takes the ring and puts it on her finger. “That’s what the ring says,” she says.

“I went to Wyatt too. Did you ever work in the school library there?”

“Yeah for two years.”

I snap my fingers. That’s where I know her from.

“It’s me! Brian Morgan. We used to work together.”

“Did we?” she asked, squinting her eyes. “No, not ringing any bells.”

We move to the kitchen. I don’t think I changed that much since high school. Jodie however, was almost unrecognizable. She was a total Goth in high school. Jet black hair, heavy black makeup, piercings everywhere, black clothes, the whole nine yards.

“Nice bong in the bathroom, by the way,” she said nonchalantly. 

I shudder. I forgot that was in there.

“You’re just lucky I can’t see a thing without my glasses,” she said with a sly smile and a wink.

“Thanks,” I say. “Why would you leave your gun in a bathroom?

“Don’t ask so many questions.”

We move to the kitchen, and Jodie places a finer on her chin. “Let’s see,” she says. “We were drinking wine, and I thought mine was a little warm. I remember going to the freezer, and…”

She opens the freezer and pulls out a pair of heavy black Urkel-like glasses. I don’t even want to know how they fell off in there.

She puts them on and looks at me, and as soon as she looks at me she breaks out in a wide grin.

“BIG ASS BRIAN!” She bellows. “It IS you! Now I recognize you”

I haven’t heard that name in nearly 20 years. I haven’t missed it. And now she has the glasses on, I definitely see the resemblance to the girl I knew back in high school.

 “Wow you lost a lot of weight!”

“Yeah I guess so.”

Jodie snickered. “Who would’ve though a straight arrow fatass like you would grow up to be a pothead?”

I think I liked the adult Jodie better when I didn’t know who she was. 

Jodie looked over my shoulder towards my oven and pushed her way towards it. Opening it up, she pulled out a pair of high heel loafers.

I just stand there stupefied. “Why would you even…”

“We were drinking okay?” Jodie protested as she slipped them on. “Maybe I stepped in a puddle or something. I dunno.”

I think I’ll stop asking questions now. I don’t even want to know anything else at this point.

“Well, I guess that’s everything,” Jodie said as she walked to the counter to get her purse and blazer. “I’m outta here.”

Thank God, I think to myself.

“Hey, you got a card or something?”

“What? Me?” I ask.

“Yeah, how can I contact you? Can I have your number?”

“Um this feels weird. I mean, Will is right there,” I point to the bedroom.

“Is this a ‘bros before hoes’ thing to you?” Jodie asks. “Because I see it as two old friends just catching up.”

“You’re right,” I say. She hands me her phone, and I call myself on it to capture her number.

“Cool!” she says as he shoves it in her purse. “Don’t break any laws until we meet again. Remember, I know where you live.”

“Um, noted.” was all I could say.

As she opened the door and stepped outside, I could only chuckle at the last thing she said. 

“And tell Will I said…” and she made the so-so gesture with her hand.

Oh I am totally going to rib that guy when he wakes up.