The Guilt-free End

Ever felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend is ignoring you? Or perhaps that friend of yours whom you thought was your sole confidant and best pal has simply disappeared off the face of the Earth. Your Earth, that is. You feel like you've been left behind.

Yes, you say? And what's that? You've grown really tired of being the one initiating all contact? Yes, you've been the one who started 98 of the sweet, caring messages that you share, and you're the one who wrote the last letter ever exchanged between the two of you. And yes, of course, you're the only one of the two who still thinks of the existence of the relationship that is supposed to be between you two.

So you really don't think that you should be the only one maintaining the relationship?

We assure you, we understand.

Thus, we at Seraphix Connexions bring to you The Guilt-free End, a simple three step program that enables you to end off any relationship without any guilt. In these three easy steps, you will find yourself rid of that empty relationship which you think you maintain out of nostalgic and sentimental reasons, and best of all, it is without any guilt on your part!

Step 1: Testing the Waters

It would be irresponsible for us to ask you to simply jump headlong into ending a relationship which could possibly last a good long decade more before fizzling out and ending in a full blown divorce, leaving you with many, many, post-nuptial woes.

Or maybe not.

But the bottom-line is, we at Seraphix Connexions urge you to see if this relationship can be salvaged. Of course, we don't expect you to make any positive movements to the cause. What we want you to do, is to go quiet. We're assuming that you and your partner or friend don't see each other often, perhaps because your parents hate the fact that you're together, or simply because you just go to different schools.

Whatever the case, we want you to just put the phone down. Yes, that's a good start. Slowly, carefully, there, that wasn't so hard was it? Now that the phone's on the table and not in your itching fingers, look at it for a moment. Hasn't that little piece of electronic simply been the bane of your life? You'd send a message, then wait. The period of waiting, where you've spent way too many hours hoping for your phone to vibrate with the reply, and when it does come...

Its monosyllabic.

You let out a little whimper. Relief? Cause you actually got an answer? Sadness? The yes and no simply didn't suffice as it did in the days when it was a young budding crush and you would blush and grow shy with every sound that was made in your direction, favor or not.

So what we're asking of you is to not initiate any contact. In all honesty and fairness, it should be the other person's turn, shouldn't it? It's unfair on your phone bill, your mental energy, and the creativity that you put into each message that was so lovingly crafted to fit what you have to say in 180 measly characters (spaces and punctuation included). We're asking you to not initiate any contact for at least a full month. It'll be difficult, we understand, seeing your phone go silent, and the inbox empty itself of that oh-so-familiar name. But believe us, this is a must to see if your relationship is worth saving. At the same time, please don't email, tag, nor blog about the person.

We really do mean NO CONTACT for a month.

And you ask, what is the purpose of this exercise? Well, what we're trying to do is to force the person into initiating a conversation with you. We're forcing that silent half of yours to reach out, to make contact, to ponder your disappearance. So all we are asking for is a month of silence to that person. And if before the month's up, you receive a proper form of acknowledgement, whether it says sweetly, "Hey, been really busy these days, I miss you loads. Meet up soon?" or a brusque, "Where'd you go", you can consider the relationship worth saving.

Otherwise, proceed to Stage 2.

Stage 2: Sweeping Under the Rug

By this time, you should have gotten used to the silence on the other end. Your head empties more easily of thoughts about that person, and you have learnt to occupy yourself with other thoughts. For the lucky few, perhaps someone has even replaced the gaping hole that your close friend left behind. But for those who are not, here's what we need you to do.

Hide the memories.

It's like quitting cigarettes. The first step is to stop buying them. So you zip up those folders of pictures on your computer which your guys took together, smiling with your arms wrapped around each other, and then password protect it with a random BU$Yjasd&. Write down the password, and throw it to the keepsake box where we will then require you to put in all the letters, postcards and other trinkets that you were given by that now, for all intents and purposes, mute person. The box is then meant to be taped up, and stuffed under the cupboard where you put the clothes which you don't wear.

For sure you'll start rummaging through that cupboard a lot more for something to wear from it, but do try to refrain yourself from doing so. It'll be detrimental to our cause.

We at Seraphix Connexions know that it isn't fair to ask you to forget completely, and additionally, it's bad for YOUR mental health. You'll definitely start hallucinating his presence and see him in that crack on the garden wall, the tortilla chip you were so ready to chomp on, and of course, the clouds that are simply so malicious as to taunt you of your loss. So we're going to allow you to keep one thing out. But note, it cannot be a gift for a birthday or anniversary or any special occasion for that matter. What we want is an everyday item that would mean absolutely nothing but the fact that he or she gave it to you. You will cling on to it for the first few days, but our goal here is as follows:

We want you to lose it.

Misplace it, discard it, ditch it, but we want it to happen unintentionally. Don't try to leave it by your lunch tray at break time. You'll simply embarrass yourself by running after it when the cleaning guy clears the table. Just carry it with you, unattached to anything like your cellphone or bag or anything of that nature. Think of it as a book which you have to carry around, but is easily left behind on the roof of the car or the window sill at the doctor's. We know that for the first few times you lose the item, you won't be able to help yourself but feel either angered or depressed, and give in to the urge to get the object back. When you feel that way but are unable to get the lost item back, we need you to go back to the box to pick out a replacement item, and commence Operation Lose The Bloody Thing again from the top. Repeat the process as many times as you need to, and when you finally lose it without the urge to run after some moving object to retrieve it back...

You're ready for Stage 3.

Stage 3: The Grand Finale

Stage 3 is rather simple, really. You've put yourself through two heart-breaking, gut-wrenching stages, and now there's only one more thing to do since you're now able to deal with the non-existence of the person in your daily routine, or weekly and monthly routine for that matter...

GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

We hope The Guilt-free End©️ helps you with your silent relationship. Really, by now, you should be all fine and dandy and ready to rumble for a real life after that ice royal family member!

In conclusion, Seraphix Connexions is glad to be of assistance and we wish you all the best for the future!

Disclaimer: Seraphix Connexions would like to emphasize that the lack of guilt of this and that the participant of the stages creates only comes about at the end of the process. During the course of operation, it is normal for one to feel rather negative and bitchy about what one is doing, but any traces of guilt should leave by the time your life is back on track.

In addition, Seraphix Connexions will not be liable for any guilt felt, after the end of the process, by individuals who are extremely sensitive and like to wallow in self-pity instead of getting on with their lives. We mean, it really isn't our fault you can't make new friends.