To what could but shouldn't be

The honeymoon period is over. There is no longer the same excitement and adventure that we had initially, and I’m scared, so scared, that this is the end to our story together.

What if everything is my fault? What if I make everything boring and you regret being in a relationship with me? What if I am what is wrong with my love life, and that I don’t realize it because I have blinders on?

I’m afraid of what I could turn into. Would I turn into my mom, who despises the fact that she settled for my dad? Would I bring up old history from way back when we fight, just because we’re fighting? I don’t want to turn into the bitter, bitter husk of a human that my mom is, but I also don’t want to give up on what could be.  

I never thought of myself as an extremely jealous person. But here I am, envy and disgust piercing my gut and my heart whenever you talk about your coworkers, the life you had before me, and the ex-girlfriend of six years who you bought an engagement ring for. Questions about you and her tear at my mind. 

Are you actually over her, even though you were together for six years? Six fucking years.

Do you compare me to her? She changed you in ways I could never see, and so deeply that no one else could replace the memory of her presence in your life.

Are you using me to distract yourself from other worries, instead of letting me be the person you need distractions for? I wonder if, even after all the talks and the laughter and the food and the time spent together, that I am just one more name and number you put into your schedule.

Maybe I don’t want to know. Most of the time you aggressively hide your past behind your sense of humor and avoidant nature, but when you do open up and share your stories I am antsy and anxious and batty. I put a smile on my face and banter in my voice, just to hear you talk, because we often don’t. I hide the hurt and the physical disgust because I’m finally understanding how you became so fucked up. And I will keep the emotions from my voice because I’m finally learning about the pieces of yourself that you’ve lost, pieces that you’ll never get back.

But all these questions are just a mask for all the downhill behaviors I’ve seen in you, and the insecurities I see in me. You forgot our anniversary because you were having so much fun with your friends. You forgot to call me, and after I sent so many unanswered messages, I worried for hours about where you were, who you were with, what you were feeling. Things always had to be done your way, or else you would pout like a child and be angry. But your anger was frightening; it reminded me of everything I escaped and yet I was drawn back to you like a drug. And when I tried to bring up my concerns, you would not recognize your actions, denied any responsibility, and continued your railroading ways.

You make me happy and worried at the same time. Confused but acutely aware. Warm inside but cold without you. Thoughtful but also completely thoughtless about everything else. You make me want to drop everything just to be there beside you, even if everything else burns to ash.

I would ditch a lot of my responsibilities and friends for you. But I shouldn’t, because you wouldn’t do the same for me. I know people warn you about not leaving your friends behind when you find a significant other, but you make me crazy. God, can’t things be easy? I like you, you like me, we should just feel happy. And instead, I’m all the other emotions: worried, harried, angry, sad... I don’t know what to say or how to say what I’m feelings anymore.

I dreamt of losing you. Multiple times. And the sadness and despair that it inspired in me scares me. I don’t want to be dependent on you for my happiness. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone, least of all a man I’ve known for six months. I can’t be dependent on anyone because deep inside, the little girl who dreamed of her prince coming to find her on a white horse, is still there, and she’s hoping and wishing with all her heart, that it’s still possible. That it’s still possible to crack the cynic living and controlling the outer shell the rest of the world sees.

But the world has made the cynic strong, and she refuses to give up her post if there is even the slightest chance that when she reaches out to you, all she’ll get is your empty back.

I told myself I don’t love you. I wouldn’t catch a bullet for you, move across the country for you, or give up my car, bike, or material possessions for you. But I do love you, and I would do so many things if only to see you smile. I would defy my natural instincts for you, and not even regret it. I would spend those long nights with you, watching you play video games until morning. I would control my feelings around you, I would respect your time and your boundaries and not even blink an eye when you tell me that you have other things to do. But I will feel my heart break in my chest, and I will smile, and I will keep the hurt from showing, because that is me. And if I lose even that part of me, then it would destroy who I am.

I want to say everything to you but I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want to make this fleeting vulnerability permanent. I don’t want to be honest with you because that would require me to admit that I need you. You’ve become such a part of my life that every moment I’m not with you I want to be with you and every moment I am with you I want it to last forever.

I tell myself, our past made us who we are today. If I didn’t make the mistakes that I did in the past, I wouldn’t be here right now, with you, learning such simple things like how to love and what basic emotions represent. If you didn’t live the life you have, you wouldn’t be here, in my arms, so close and yet so far away. It’s because of these painful choices, these hard-to-accept stories and loves and lives, that we are able to be in each other’s arms, and learn about the best and worst parts of ourselves.

But logic is a campfire and emotions a tsunami. I hate that I love the feeling of being around you. And I hate that you can be okay without me. I won’t say these things out loud because you won’t understand. I won’t say these things because you will never placate me and my fears. Because I don’t trust you with my mind, even as I trusted you with my body and heart.

All I wanted was for you to need me as much as I need you.

And all I got was a handful of bitter tears and the constant sinking feeling that you will never need anyone or anything as much as you need denial.