Tears For A Lost Love

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, right at the tippy top of the Misty Mountains, there lived a big bad ogre in a castle guarded by gargoyles and topped off with turrets, towers and all that scary stuff that ogres usually have on their castles. ’Orrible Oswald, as he was known, was so-named as he happened to be a most ’orrible ogre who was just about as ’orrible as ’orrible could be. In fact, he was so ’orrible that none of the other ogres would have anything at all to do with him and he had to live alone. 

Well, not completely alone. Long, long before, he had abducted and imprisoned two little-eared, gentle giants, Sympathetic Sadie and Gullible Gulliver to cook for him and obey his each and every command. As time ticked on, his two prisoners fell head-over-heels in love and carefully concocted a cunning plan to elope together to the faraway kingdom of Kind King Kenneth over on the far side of the Misty Mountains where life was lovely. 

Eventually, the time came when they had scrimped and saved enough golden florins to make their escape. The very day before that could happen however, a cheeky young slip of a boy named Jack turned up at the castle kitchens just as Sympathetic Sadie was adding the finishing touches to ’Orrible Oswald’s evening broth.

“Excuse me Mrs Giant,” said the lad, as bold as brass. “Please could you spare me a tiny morsel to eat? I’m ever so hungry.” 

Fearful that ’Orrible Oswald might come along at any moment and mistake her tiny visitor for one of those bothersome little folk who periodically showed up at the castle, hunting for dragons or in search of a holy grail or some such ridiculous quest, she cried,

“Oh, you poor li’l creature, come inside, do. Quickly now, afore there be trouble!” 

Over a bowl of hearty broth along with a handsome hunk of Sadie’s freshly-baked bread, the boy poured out a sad sob story to the unsuspecting giantess about how his mother had sent him off to market to sell their only cow, Daisy, being as they had not a penny left to their name. On his way there, he explained, he had been diddled into handing her over to a fly-by-night con man with a glint in his eye, in exchange for five magic beans. When Sympathetic Sadie heard how Jack’s mother had then whipped him soundly and tossed the beans out of the window, she felt so sorry for him that a tiny tear trickled down her cheek. He had just reached the bit about climbing up a magic beanstalk which had miraculously sprouted overnight when, all of a sudden, the kitchen table started to shake.

Stomp… Stomp… Stomp… Rattle… Rattle… Rattle…

 Heavy footsteps echoed down the hallway and all the teacups trembled on the kitchen shelves.

“Oh goodness gracious me, what am us to do?” sobbed Sympathetic Sadie in distress. “It be Oswald, it be! Quick boy, hide! Here!”

Without further ado, she promptly pushed Jack into her closet, just off the pantry. No sooner had Jack pulled the door closed upon himself than into the kitchen barged ’Orrible Oswald, nostrils a-twitching.

“Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!” he roared. “I smell the blood of an Englishman… Be he alive, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread…”

Quickly ushering the ogre to his chair in the dining room next door, Sympathetic Sadie fussed around him, humming and filling his bowl up to the brim with her hearty broth.

“Oh, no, no Mi’lord. Ain’t nobody here but me,” she assured him. “Surely ‘tis the smell of this tasty broth I have a-bubblin’ here, all ready for your supper.”  

Now, whilst the gentle giantess was away serving the ogre his supper, Jack happened to come across the couple’s crock of cash concealed in the closet just next to him and his eyes grew as round as saucers with the sight. Why, this was just what he needed to end his family’s plight, he thought. So, the scoundrel seized the stash and scarpered, just like that.

In the castle courtyard outside the kitchen, Gullible Gulliver just happened to be seated upon his favourite tree stump, a-whittling himself a new digging tool and spotted the thief as he fled.

“Oy you!” he cried. “Come back ’ere!” 

But all his shouting was to no avail. Wicked young Jack bolted back to his beanstalk, threw down the booty which of course landed in his garden far below, and then began clambering down through the leaves. Well now, being as Gullible Gulliver was such a large, cumbersome giant and unused to chasing nimble-footed robbers, he was only halfway down the spindly stalk when Jack reached the bottom. There, next to the pile of stolen golden florins, awaited his mother with a sharpened axe. 

Chop… Chop… Chop… went Jack with the axe. In a trice, the beanstalk was cut clean in two, and over it toppled, sending the gentle giant tumbling far out into the deep blue sea. When Gullible Gulliver finally swam to shore, he found himself in a peculiar land called Lilliput. What happened to him there though, is a story for another day.

As for Jack and his mother, they did not live happily ever after, as they far too soon, squandered their ill-gotten gains upon knick-knacks and nonsense. After the death of his mother shortly thereafter, Jack teamed up with the fly-by-night con man with a glint in his eye and the wicked pair went a-roving across the land, conning unsuspecting individuals into parting with their hard-earned cash.

However, that is not quite the end of this tale, dear reader. There still remains for me to share with you, one final secret from Misty Mountain Land. 

The next time you witness a thunder storm, be aware that the deafening noise you hear is really the sound of that odious ogre, ’Orrible Oswald, having another of his terrible tantrums as he stomps around his castle, shouting in vain for his handyman. 

And Sympathetic Sadie? Well, I’m sad to say that our poor little-eared, gentle giant still remains up there, imprisoned inside ’Orrible Oswald's castle kitchens, lamenting the loss of her lover and shedding tears which trickle down upon us all as raindrops.