The Purse

    When the phone rang, I sensed it was from my sister, Marie. She didn’t call often, usually when she needed something, or when something was wrong.

    “What’s up,” I answered the phone.

    “Oh, I gotta tell you something,” Marie said, sounding emotional. 

    “I’ve got my ears on.” She was making sounds, but I couldn’t tell what emotion she was trying to convey. 

    Marie took a deep breath. “Okay, okay. I got a call from Mom and she was crying hysterically, and I couldn’t make out what was wrong. I was afraid maybe something was wrong with Cal or Dorinne. You know Mom’s not a crier. I finally got her calmed enough to understand what she was trying to tell me. Oh, God, Lynn, she’d lost her purse. I almost laughed at her, but she was really upset.”

    “She was crying about that?”

    “Yeah, you know, right? Mom had gone to Walmart and when she got home, she didn’t have her purse. Of course, she looked for it and then called Walmart, but no one had turned it in.  She looked again in the house and in the car. She was really upset because she would have to cancel her credit cards and get a new license and all that. So, I told her to hang on I‘d be over to help her hunt and that I’d help her cancel all the cards and all that crap.”

    “I’m surprised she was that upset. Do you think she’s losing it?”

    “Well, she lost it over this. I got there and she was still crying. So, I looked in the car, we retraced her steps, she’s gone to Walgreens, the Dollar Store and Walmart, but she bought something at Walmart, so she had it there. We searched her house again. I went to the basement where she had done a load of laundry. I even checked the washer.” Marie explained laughing.

“Well, you would have to. Remember when she put the dishrag in the freezer? She was only in her fifty’s then, no telling where she’d put things in her seventy’s,” I quipped.

    After her laughter subsided, Marie continued, “We sat at the table trying to remember all the credit cards, checkbook and other stuff she might have had in her purse. So, I told Mom I would call her bank and was looking up the number in the phone book. She said she had to use the bathroom and left the kitchen. I called the bank and was talking to a woman trying to explain what happened, when I hear more and elevated wailing from down the hall. I thought, ‘Oh damn, here we go again.’ I told the woman to hang on and put the phone down. I was about to turn into the hallway when Mom rounds the corner bawling and holding her purse to her chest.  I told the woman at the bank to never mind and went to pour Mom a cup of coffee.  She finally stopped crying and told me she had gone back to her bedroom to get a top she had bought at Walmart to show me and her purse was in the bag. She pulled me into a hug and just hung on me started sobbing and telling me she’s sorry. I console her and get her calmed down again and we sit and have a cup of coffee before I leave. Lynn, I tell you, she’s losing it.”

    “She’s not losing it,” I insisted. “It just scared her. We discussed that for a while, but I had to pick up the boys from soccer practice, so we ended the call. I thought about my Mom and her upset over the next few days. I didn’t want her to get fearful about losing her purse again, so I wrote her a letter to help her put her loss of it into perspective.  

NOWWPR

National Old White Woman's Purse Registry

December 21, 2002

Mrs. Peggy Celtmann,

    It has come to our organization’s attention that you have recently had a loss incident. We were happy to hear that your loss incident did in fact turn out well.  We at NOWWPR realize how upsetting, albeit, traumatic, a perceived loss incident can be for an old white woman. While we wish to extent to you our deepest empathy for your perceived loss, we believe that our organization may be able to help you in the future.

    Our organization, NOWWPR, (National Old White Women’s Purse Registry) has helped millions of old white women avoid loss incidents in the past year alone, thus avoiding the trauma associated with loss incidents. We feed that our work elevates the quality of life for old white women. Many of our old white women have even stated that our organization has indeed extended their lives at least several years.

Let us tell you a bit about what NOWWPR has to offer you.         

    First and foremost, we will register your purses on our national registry database, your purses will then be able to be tracked via GPS (Global Positioning Service) across the nation and at the most popular old white women vacation spots throughout the world. We also have partnerships with the most ‘old white women’ friendly retailers like, Walmart, Kmart, Dollar General, Big Lots, CVS, Walgreens, Goodwill and all Red Shield stores, just to name a few. These partners have direct access to our registry database to help bring you and your purse together again as soon as possible.

    When you register with NOWWPR, we not only log your vital personal information, but also get a complete description of you and all, and do mean all, of your precious purses. No matter how your busy life necessitates you dress, we’ve got your purses covered. You will be given GPS beacon pins for each one of you purses. If you are separated from your purse where other persons are not able to locate you, the GPS will notify the local policing agency and they will retrieve your purse and return it to you. You will also receive an identification tag for each of your purses with a special number that when entered in our database brings up your vital information. The retail person who has found your purse can then take steps to rejoin your purse with you.

    For a small fee you can also have a proximity alert for you purse. The alert sensor goes in your purse and the proximity indicator, disguised as an attractive brooch, is pinned to your blouse. The proximity alert has a computer chip in it, and you can record your name onto the chip. When you move out of range of your purse, the proximity alert on your purse will yell, ‘Help! I’m lost and I can’t find my old white woman – your name! If you are unable to hear this alert, the nearest person to your purse can have you paged to bring you and your purse together again, probably before you realized you have become parted from your purse. 

    All in all, we feel that our registry service is just what you need to avoid loss incidents in the future. We sincerely hope you will consider our important service. Please contact us at 800-TNOWWPR (800-866-9977) at your earliest convenience. Do it for yourself, do for your purses.

Sincerely,

The staff of the National Old White Woman’s Purse Registry]

Three days later I got a phone call. It was my Mom, hysterical. Laughing so hard she was unable to talk. She’d almost become calm enough to speak and then start laughing again.

“So,” I said, “you got my letter.”

I had said goodbye to my Mom three years earlier when my husband and kids moved to the Washington coast from Illinois. I would never see my Mom again, but she often told me that when she was having a sad or painful day, she would get out my letter and laugh again.  It would brighten her whole day. That is how I remember my Mom. Laughing.