Help Me Find my Way (Back to You)

This is the second party Katherine has been in in her entire three years in university. If she wasn’t strong-armed and begged to do this by the ghost hounding her, she would’ve left hours ago, but Mrs. O’Leary was the kind of insistent that makes you feel annoyed that turns back around to pity, like a small street dog who doesn’t give up a stick in their mouth. Usually the ghosts she encounters are quiet, following her wherever she goes; Mrs. O’Leary is the noisy bawling sort. Katherine should be writing her paper for her midterms in calculus but she’s in one of those dreaded frat parties looking for Mrs. O’Leary’s wayward son, Dennis. If my name was Dennis, I’d deserve to have my dead mother haunting me, Katherine thought in annoyance while combing through the many sweaty bodies cramped together in a tiny living room compared to the amount of people they managed to fit in. Parties aren’t her thing because ghosts love this energy, the happy energetic music draws in the miserable like flies swarming lights at night. She avoids them out of necessity and lack of interest; In the dim light, Katherine couldn’t distinguish people from the dead. 

One of the misconceptions popular media has over ghosts is that in reality, they look incredibly normal: no bloodstains, no chains at their appendages, no random ax cleaving their skull. Ghosts look like people, the only thing reminding them of their expired mortality is that they couldn’t touch or be heard by living people. Katherine serves as a conduit for the departed souls, an inherited trait from her mother whose work was similar to the exorcist from Insidious. Job opportunities for people like them are scarce these days, as most people think proof is doctored and their gift as a hoax. She didn’t really have any talent for it as well because she couldn’t sweet talk her clients the way her mother did. She was aiming for a normal life, a life her mother thought she was ridiculous to want at best and insulted that Katherine was squandering her gift at worst. Fortunately, since her mother’s passing, she managed to score a scholarship at a good university and has plans to start at an entry-level job in finance. Ghosts trouble her, but not to the extent like before when she was working with her mother. Katherine decides to stand at the side of the room, rolling her shoulders and stretching her neck, side-to-side.

“I can’t see him here, can you? Maybe he’s by the bar, my Dennis loves to make friends,” Mrs. O’Leary icy breath is uncomfortably close to Katherine’s ear, and the decibel of her voice is equal to the party’s bass. She’s a tremendous force of a woman, and Katherine who stood like an idiot for a few minutes at the front door to muster courage couldn’t help but feel wonder at her tenacity and annoyance at Dennis’ absence even though his mother is the reason why she’s out in the streets late at night. 

She wrinkles her nose and says, “Well, if we don’t find him here, he’s probably in another party and I don’t have the time or money to travel,” she hesitates and tries to look at the ghost in their eyes, “I’m sorry, Mrs. O’Leary but I don’t think I can find your son.” 

“You can’t stop now! You promised me you’ll find him!” Mrs. O’Leary’s wailing cries in the middle of the party noise is the last thing Katherine needed. If only her gift was something that was actually useful, like teleportation or flight. Anything that can take her out of this situation. “He can’t be anywhere else! I know he’s here, I know he got his acceptance letter and I know he’s gone here, it’s all he ever talked about,” Katherine watches her companion’s strength leave her and her body crumples to the ground. “I just need to see him one more time, that’s all,” she murmurs to herself before looking up to Katherine, “Help me, please.”

A disapproving voice cuts through their conversation and Katherine had to internally sigh. This night just keeps on getting better and better. “Honestly, Katherine, you can put a little more effort than that. You can just ask people around you,” her mother says as she scans the room as well. “You’d think someone whose name is Dennis is more of a sensitive, artistic type but I can see he’s quite the opposite,” her mother vaguely regards Mrs. O’Leary as the woman sits in the ground. “Katherine, darling, maybe you should talk to the ghosts in the area. More eyeballs looking for our boy, more chances of finding him! Just call them out, like I taught you,” her voice wafts weightlessly over the music but still amazingly manages to weigh Katherine down.

Her mother’s death two years ago should’ve put an end to her career as a séance but as obstinate and unmoving she was to Katherine’s wishes alive, she continues to pester her after death. Katherine had hoped her mother would ascend towards the Light, but on the day of her own funeral, her mother was already there criticizing the flowers Katherine put on her grave. Since then, she’s made her opinion clear about everything in Katherine’s life, which made it incredibly hard for Katherine to remember she was dead. She usually hangs around her dormitory as Katherine put her foot down on her mother following her during classes. Katherine is already regretting helping Mrs. O’Leary out, thinking it would be quick thing she can do before taking a power nap; Her obviously out of place attire already stands her out, and the sight of her talking to herself admittedly cements her supposed reputation around campus. The first instance of her gift tripping herself was when she asked a professor for directions during her freshman year and before she realized her mistake, someone already tweeted about it. Enough people think she’s crazy, she doesn’t need to provide them proof in real time.

“Look, I know your thoughts about this ghost thing, but can you just not?” she looks sideways to her mother and whispers, “It’s midnight, I’m in my pajamas in a party I shouldn’t even be in, and I don’t need this from you, Mom,” she hugs herself as she notices that two girls are watching her. They’re holding their damned cellphones, is everyone glued to their cellphones?

“Katherine, I am simply trying to help you. If only you practiced when I told you to, then this would’ve been over hours ago. How are you going to make money out of this like I did, if you can’t do the simplest things?”

“Well, Mom, has it ever occurred to you that I don’t want to be you!?”

Her mother’s shocked face is accompanied with the sudden silence at Katherine’s shout. As luck would have it, she managed to lose her temper in between songs. A generic pop song starts, but it’s too late, everyone’s trying to get a glimpse of her. She groans and puts her hands on her face. If only an earthquake happens and the ground swallows her up. If only people could see what she sees. She looks up to the ceiling and sighs. She really, really doesn’t want to do this, but when your calculus paper is due in seven hours and the person you’ve been with is grating on your nerves, needs must be met.

She mutters a curse under her breath and shouted, “Dennis! I’m looking for a Dennis! Has anyone seen Dennis?” The sight of a twenty-something in pajamas shouting a name seems to have worked in both ways: people stopped paying attention to her as the critical embarrassing moment has passed by, and that someone actually pointed her towards the damn boy, his best friend who went inside for a drink. He seems surprised at the name Dennis, but at this point his name could be anything and Katherine wouldn’t care. Her mother is surprisingly quiet beside her and the anticipation of seeing her son rouses Mrs. O’Leary; her strength seems to come back to her and her excitement ringing clear in her eyes.

The three of them move towards the back door which leads to the backyard of the house. While there were a few people loitering around, there was no mistake who Dennis was as Mrs. O’Leary quickly runs toward a lanky, slightly buzzed boy of average height. He’s surrounded by a few of his friends, and he seems happy enough which could be aided by the beer bottle he’s holding. He looks at Katherine as he says, “Y’know, I go by Max now. Dennis Maxwell. Max.” Mrs. O’Leary doesn’t seem to hear them, as she is too busy gazing at her son. She turns to Katherine with a smile.

Katherine scoffs at him, “Your mom calls you Dennis,” there was a jolt of surprise that zings through him, and he straightens his posture, looking at her. She’s used to that reaction, but she turns quickly to leave. Her job was done and she seriously needs to finish that paper. She hears Dennis calling her attention but she pays it no mind. He’ll know where to look, somehow. As she walks the street back to her dorm, her mother clears her throat delicately. She stops at the sidewalk and turns to her. The streetlight overhead casts a warm glow on both of them, and if Katherine turns her head, it looks like her mother is alive.

"You could've done better than that, you know. So much power is in your hands if only you utilize it," her mother finally said after a long pause. "But I realize that I should've known you weren't happy." They look at each other, and her mother quietly laughs, "I only ever wanted for you to be happy." Her eyes trace Katherine's face, they sparkle under the streetlight.

There's another thing movies got it wrong about ghosts: they don't stay because of resentment, anger, or bitterness. They stay because of love.

“So, do you think you have enough time to finish that paper?” she says, smiling as if she was nervous if she did the right thing. She looks contrite enough, which was a first for her. Katherine smiles.