Decisions by small me

TW: mention of suicide

Decisions scare me. Whenever I have to make a decision, I get so into my head it feels as if there’s an immense cloud there not letting me think straight. Once, I even had a panic attack. I was just trying to decide if I should go to the coffeehouse or order in. Then I ended up throwing up my coffee cause I felt pathetic about the panic attack over something so stupid. I had no idea what scared me so much. There were so many times when I told myself to just chill, to take it easy, but I couldn’t. To me, there was no difference between big or small decisions. My mind had the same reaction. As if it’s always fight or flight, and I always wanted to choose flight.

Decisions are important. They affect not only you but other people around you as well. For example, if I don’t go to that party with my friend she will be alone and if I kill myself today, mom would not have any other kids. So who do you choose? Yourself? Or everyone else?

I’ve always chosen everyone else. That one time when I was super depressed and had a full bottle of Tylenol in my hand, it was the only thing we had home, and I threw them down the trash instead of down my stomach, I chose mom. When I decided to study law, even though I cried every time someone raised their voice at me, I chose my father. Someone had to get him out of prison, just in case. And when I decided to ignore the fact that my feeling for my boyfriends weren’t there anymore, because that would make me a bad person, I chose him.

Choosing everyone else was safe. It kept me alive. It made my family proud. It made people love me. Basically, it made me a hero. With these kind of thoughts in my head, putting myself second to everyone else was an easier decision to make than choosing what I was gonna have for breakfast.

I’ve loved being a hero all my life. But by being a hero to everyone else, I’ve been a villain to myself. Getting sick by the process of trying to decide, only for me to choose the exact opposite of what I wanted. Most of the times I didn’t even think about what I wanted. It was scary. Going against the world. Having to face everyone, to tell them they’re not my first choice anymore. Disappointment coming from someone you loved was not a simple thing to accept.

Until one day it happened. One day I chose me.

I was staring at my boyfriend across the table. He was checking something in his phone, looking all calm and comfortable cause why wouldn’t he be. I on the other hand, was feeling like if you looked close enough, you could see a bubble of thoughts up my head, but you could not decipher a single one.

He had taken me to a nice Chinese restaurant; he knew I loved Chinese food, he basically knew everything about me except for the real me. After we were finished, we were waiting for the waitress to bring us the pie they always brought at the end of every meal, I took a deep breath and said what I’ve always wanted.

‘‘I think we should break up.’’

He was surprised. I could see it in the way his eyes widened and his phone fell to the table with a thud. It felt as if the seconds had stopped passing. There was no one else around us, just me, him and what I had just said. I started breathing faster, my heart was pounding at my chest, probably leaving bruises. My words hang in the air like I had just dropped a bomb without thinking that I might get burned too. Until I saw him smile. Then laugh. To say I was confused was an understatement.

‘‘I’m so glad. I’m so glad you’re choosing yourself for once.’’

I teared up. I could breathe. It was then when it hit me. This wasn’t anyone else’s fault. I had chosen to put myself second to every single person in my life. Yes I had chosen them but I also had the choice to choose myself and I didn’t. Why did I always make it so difficult for myself? Decisions weren’t that difficult. They weren’t difficult at all when you chose yourself. Sounds egoistic? It is. But for lack of egoism, I had made myself miserable all my life. I had shut myself up, silenced my thoughts when I shouldn’t have but let them destroy me when I shouldn’t have. I had pondered so much over small decisions, as if going to the coffeehouse or ordering in would make any difference, but I had not for once thought twice about putting other’s happiness above mine. I had wasted my energy over so many wrong things but that was about to change, cause after you take the first step there’s no going back.

The next day I dropped out of school. I almost had a panic attack doing it, cause of course it wouldn’t be easy, I knew that. But I had plenty of time to find something I liked and I was gonna find it because this time I had chosen me.

Then I went home, threw away every bottle of pills I had in my bathroom drawers and chose fight. I had also chosen fight the first time I did it but I was just realizing it now.

These decisions were life-changing. And once I started I didn’t hesitate once. Cause decisions get pretty easy when you’re doing what you want, when you’re following your heart as cliche as it might sound. When you’re protecting your mental health. When you start being a little egoistic.

And being egoistic isn’t so egoistic when it can save your life.

It was time to be a hero to myself. It was time to be the right kind of villain.