Ten Minutes of Meditation

The quiet of the morning is my favorite time of the day. Sitting in my kitchen listening to the hum of the refrigerator and the trickle of the water from the filter of the fish tank; the sounds of life. This is my time for daily meditation, so I move to the living room floor where I can lay on my back. Today is the last day of the year, December 31st, and my goal for this year was to focus on me, to improve my ability to relax and manage my stress. So, I started this daily meditation practice as part of that goal. When I am honest with myself, I feel like I have made very little progress. Most days my stress level still feels like it is at a “10” despite meditation, yoga, reading daily.  When I close my eyes for just a moment and focus on my breathing I hear the occasional whir of a car passing by. And while I try to stay focused on my breath, inevitably my mind will begin to wander. Where is that person going? What do they do for a living?  Perhaps they own their own business and have a day ahead of them that they have control over, unlike the rest of us who  work for other people and are at the whim of where our boss or demands of the organization head. I imagine a man in a truck, his faithful companion on the seat beside him panting with excitement at the idea of spending the entire day with his person. In my mind I see the man reach for the travel mug of steaming coffee in the cup holder and bring it to his mouth, enjoying the taste of the coffee on his tongue before it slides down his throat, warming him from the inside out. He looks at his dog, who is joyful, smiles to himself and keeps driving past my house where I lay on the ground, trying to concentrate on my breathing so I can face another day. Survive another day actually. Shouldn’t life be more than just surviving each day?

Breathe! My mind yells at me, trying to get me back and focused on the meditation that everyone says will help me to focus on what’s important. I comply and am back in my head, thinking of nothing other than my breath, until I’m not. I need a bucket list, I think between breaths. I am forty-three which means that there is most likely less of my life ahead of me than I have already lived. At least, less active years as I am already feeling the age and exhaustion creeping into my bones each day. Or is it creeping into my soul? Maybe it is my soul that is tired, I just think it is my body. Breathe! Stay on track! It’s only ten minutes, I think to myself. But for an overthinker, ten minutes of breathing and being in my own head is an eternity.

I have tried this meditation stuff off and on for years and I just can’t focus. Or I don’t want to. I try not to use the word can’t since I had a fitness instructor tell me “can’t means won’t, don’t accept it” in an attempt to motivate me to work harder. It did and I pushed and eventually started to see the changes I so desperately wanted in my body, but never in my mind. I have thought about getting that saying tattooed on me somewhere so every time I get discouraged, like three hundred times a day, I can look at it and motivate myself to keep going. And once again, I am not focusing on my breathing. In….out…..In….out…..can’t means won’t….

What am I doing with my life? This is the place I go to most often when I try meditating. More accurately is the question where do I want to go? When I reflect back I realize that while my life has not been easy, it has certainly not been what one would call difficult. I have never gone hungry. I always had a roof over my head. I have always been cared for by someone; a parent, a friend, a lover. I am educated and know how to take care of myself. I have common sense and almost always play it safe. This translates to boring, hence the meditation and trying to get deeper into myself. There has to be more. We have this one amazing chance on earth, there has to be more. 

Breathe you idiot! You can think about all of that stuff later. Right now, you need to clear your mind. In….out….in….out….another car goes by, another person headed somewhere. Another monotonous day at work or an adventure? I think they are headed out on an adventure. Maybe they woke up today and decided, enough is enough I am going to go find myself. It’s a woman. A woman like me, in her forties, married, two teenagers, two dogs, and a lot of responsibility. A lot of people are counting on her. But today, she said “fuck it”. She packed a bag with a few outfits, her cosmetics, her glasses and current book. She filled up a water bottle and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter and headed out the door while her family slept. She fired up her car, backed out of the driveway and was off into the unknown. She is passing by my house, music cranked up, her favorite Fleetwood Mac song Dreams blasting and she is singing along at the top of her lungs. Her singing sounds like a dying cat but she doesn’t care. She is done caring about what others think, what is the “right” thing to do. She’s doing it, she’s heading out to find her passion and her destiny. The smile on her face is so big that the muscles in her jaw hurt from the stretch. I am envious of that woman. Breathe in….out….in….out.

Or maybe there is a family in the car. Headed out for an adventure. The husband and wife are in the front seat, each has an insulated travel mug with coffee or tea in it, personalized to their taste and style. In the backseat are two young children, strapped into their car seats or boosters, bundled up drinking from a sugar free, all natural juice box. On the radio are family friendly songs, from a cd or playlist, and everyone is singing along and smiling. They are happy and free; free from worries for one day, excited to spend time together as a family. The strollers are in the back with the picnic lunch and the extra diapers. The whole day, their whole lives, stretch before them as they travel down the road carefree. I remember those days, they appear as a life that belonged to someone else because they are so far away and so foreign now. When and how did everything get so complicated? When did the carefree days end when all that I desired was a snuggle or a kiss, where bath playtime was the highlight of the day, when the biggest worry of the day was did the kiddos get five full servings of fruits and vegetables?

Focus on the beach! My mind is telling me. Forget the kids, focus on your breath and the beach. I allow my mind to focus on the white sand beaches of Cancun. The water is so calm, lapping gently at the dock that stretches out into the sea. I see myself running down the dock, laughing and diving into the warm, yet refreshing water. I am at peace in the water, my mind focusing on how good my body feels to be weightless and swimming. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel the sun on my chest and stomach as I roll to my back, kicking and floating back to the beach. I feel the soft, wet sand in my fingers and between my toes as I not so gracefully stand up in the receding waves and shake the excess water from my hair. In my mind I see myself walking towards a crush who has become a lover, who is lying listlessly on the lounge chair reading his book. I long to be on that beach, I long for the warmth and the quiet. I dreamt so many times of curling up with him reading, stroking his hair, enjoying the focus on each other and our desires.

Dammit, I am terrible at this!  And with that I am back to the reality that he was not a huge fan of being in the ocean and that I had killed any chance of fulfilling that fantasy with my overthinking and need to know the future instead of just living in the present and enjoying it. I killed any chance of even just a few months of great sex by overthinking it, by playing it safe and doing “the right thing”, scared to make a big change. Maybe he found me intimidating? I’ve been told that before though I find it hard to believe. I guess I have learned how to play the part of a self assured, brave independent woman well and put on the mask. But I’m a fraud. Deep down I am this incredibly not brave person who pushes her feelings down to make others feel better. Someone who just wants someone to love her, warts and all, crazy ideas and fears and frustrations. Does my husband love me like this? Or does he love the person I have become for him? Am I brave enough to find out? It’s been years since the crush, but sometimes the desire remains, now fulfilled inadequately by my rechargeable friend that resides in the drawer of the bedside table, buried beneath the sexy lingerie that longs to be worn.

Breathe in...out….in...out. Focus on the breath and how your body feels as it connects to the earth below you. This isn’t working so I switch to the guided meditation on the app on my phone and the calming voice of the narrator begins. He tells me to let myself feel my body and breathe into the places that feel tight. I feel my shoulder blades touching the soft carpet, the back of arms slightly tickle as I adjust my shoulders to pull away from my head. All of the stress is carried there and throughout the day they creep up, closer and closer to my ears until I consciously push them back down. I need a massage. Maybe a sexual massage. I know they have those places for men, what about women. No, that’s dirty, don’t think about that! Sex with strangers should be avoided at all costs, good girls don’t sleep around and you’re married! Oh, Mom, get out of my head! This is my time to let my mind go where it wants. Jesus, can I ever get away from those stories I was told, and that I told myself, about how I should be and act. Buried so deep in my psyche that I don’t even realize how they penetrate my reality until I am quiet and really listen. The voice in my head says; tell your husband what you need and want, don’t be embarrassed about being judged. Ha! Easy to say, hard to do. Stop! Focus!

The carpet really needs to be cleaned, I think as I am letting my body sink into it. Maybe I can do that this weekend since it is a holiday three day weekend. Will it be warm enough to open the windows for the carpet to dry? Probably not. I scooch my butt towards the wall and kick my legs up, balancing them against the wall while sliding my yoga block underneath my lower back. My yoga instructor said this move, called hips on a block-how creative, is really good for my anxiety and I should try to do it for five minutes a day. Huh! Sure, let me schedule that in somewhere I thought at the time. She is a great yoga instructor but seriously out of touch with the demands on working executives who are also mothers. There is barely time to pee each day let alone stay in once place for a full five minutes. So, I am multitasking again; meditation and hips on a block together. I can do this!

Breathe girl! My brain is yelling at me again and again I try to focus on my breath. In….out...in...out. The narrator is talking about how to start the day fresh, let yesterday go, focus on today. Focusing on the present is really hard for me as an overthinker, I think. Yesterday I yelled at my daughter and called her a bitch for how she was treating me. What am I doing? This isn’t the parent I want to be;  impatient and mean. But I can only take so much of her attitude. On a good day I can talk myself down and realize teenagers are selfish and just walk away. But yesterday she screamed “I hate you” and I just lost it. I hate me too, I wanted to scream back, can’t you see that? But instead I just told her to not talk to me until she could do it without being a bitch, walked into my room and slammed the door. Great parenting there. Real adult-like, I think. Breathe...let it go...in...out...today is a new day to try again. 

I think I have about three minutes left and I am antsy. I still have to make lunches; mine and the kids. What should I bring today? No leftovers from last night, maybe a salad? Ugh, here I go again, not focusing on my breath. I am really bad at this meditation. Maybe with practice I will get better? Focus on the narrator, what is he saying now? He is talking about living my values each day as I walk through the world. Ok, what are my values? I used to know what I valued but lately everything is up for questioning. Family, I definitely value family. I should call my Mom more. She is so lonely, I am a terrible daughter, I should call her everyday. But she drives me nuts, talking to her literally makes my blood pressure rise. Her cognitive challenges are getting worse and the conversation goes in circles. 

Values; what else do I value? Yes, my integrity. Very important. Do the right thing even when no one is looking. I do that right? I think so. Though lately, at work, I feel like I am constantly battling with people to do the right thing and it’s exhausting. Why am I always that voice of reason and integrity. Oh right, that’s my job. I can’t do this job anymore, but I am stuck. I need a job, I can’t just walk away to fulfill my passion. Wait, what is my passion? Focus! Breathe in...out...in...out. I can do this for a few more minutes. Quiet brain, just focus on the breathing. I push my lower back into the carpet, my hips are screaming at me now. Yes, hurts so good. 

The narrator is ending the session. He is saying “good luck out there today”. Is this guy for real? I finish by taking two more deep breaths, filling my lungs and pushing my stomach out. Then releasing the breath and letting my stomach and diaphragm come back into my torso. I open my eyes and the sun is starting to come up, the light peeking through the slats in the blinds. I gently remove the yoga block and let my hips return to the carpet and flip my legs to the right. I maneuver my body into table top position and push my hips back for a minute of child’s pose. I stand up. Why don’t I feel relaxed? I just let my mind go blank for ten minutes, right? I don't think this meditation is working.