Dazzling, something.

'love' i spoke after two or three minutes of thinking, while staring at the space blue ceiling which had milky ways too. when the room is dark and the blinds are closed, when you lay back on the sofa and let every negative thought flow away from your brain in the universe, it really looks mysteriously like a sky. i dont know whether there were more stars on the blue ceiling or in my black eyes. 'what about it?" my psychologist, in her 30's asked while caressing the edges of her peach new blazer, i can tell it's new by the way it appears, thick and straight which easily gets crinkled when new. she tried hard, to understand high school naive love attraction and my unspoken thoughts, she even tried to remember her own teeny, very juvenile love but it was all blank in there, in her mind, yet one thought keep on popping, 'it has been so long'. she shrugged herself and glanced at me. 'you know, i never believe in love in first sight and blah blah blah but this one was weird, it was different, it was like a magnetic force, an unwanted one, not demanded thing, it pulled me in to it on it's own.' i tried to pour it down, like the Grecian urn, John Keats wrote about. i was trying to clear up the mess in my brain, trying hard to find the correct vocabulary and phrases to explain her how it felt like when i saw his, my high school's only sweetheart's message pop up on Facebook. i had changed my profile picture from a girl in long grey net skirt timidly smiling in her parents organic garden to this very sophisticated picture, my friend took in front of London eye, i was wearing a black , single lapel suit, all dressed up before heading to the publisher's office, to meet the publisher who had finally agreed to take things ahead after i failed for 21 consecutive times. My high school lover saw it, my picture and messaged me to meet him in this new restaurant which got quite famous in a short period of time due to it's food service and mainly because of it's location and the ultra gorgeous skyline the restaurant gives, complimentary. 'i need, just a little bit more about it, to get to my final conclusion'. she took a deep breath in the fresh smelling air which had a tinge of lavender and love. she knew it already, but she wanted to go back on her own memory lane, when her first ever boyfriend broker her heart, cheated on her with her best friend. she laid back on the chair, unbuttoned the only button on her blazer and closed her eyes. meanwhile i started to speak out everything, since we never talked about love, and it wont matter if tell her my most sinister secrets, because i am going back to my country soon and she wont see me again as i know it at least for now, i wont be able to afford to come to London again. "it would absurd to say, i believe in love.' i added, the psychologist, smiled upon hearing it. 'what is love, it nothing, it bullshit, especially the love we look for now a days. we are just buyers, we are looking for the best product in town, the richest, handsomest, the most suitable. yuck. i don't know whether i was in love before but at least it was all natural and no faking." i looked at my fingers and the paint stuck in my nails from last night's painting session which my friend took me to, i was just trying to spend some quality time. 'of all the men i have ever come across in my 27 years of life, i have never came across a men as wise as him. the moment he crossed my sight, when i was 16, nervously preparing for my GCSE's, he sat in front of me in, library. wearing his purple hoodie and no head phones or cellphone with him as most of the boys always had head phones on or mobile in hand. he was reading harry potter, his fingers touching each letter of Harry potter on the cover while his head was sunk in it. i dont know what made me wanted to sit next to him, his purple hoodie, the novel he was reading, 'philosopher's stone' or the fact that his father died three weeks ago. he was always reading or sitting by the window when it was raining cats and dogs, staring at the racing drops on the hazy glass, with his hands in his pockets, gloomy expressions on his face, adam's apple moving up and down every now and then in a despondent attitude while his feet always froze.

after few months we started dating, he never took me to the movies or shopping but to the lake, which was as blue as his eyes, which resembled the most exquisite ocean on earth which was still not found yet, but i was dying to sail on it. the lake water would resemble the skyline and the crimson and pink rays of the setting sun and ending day, i loved it all. we never touched or did anything else, just sat down on the floral cotton sheet, with a brown basket full of sandwiches, flavored yogurt and fizzy drinks between us. he would make me a crown with the wild flowers and i would wear it till the end. we would talk for hours and hours until our mouth would hurt and eyes would get dry. we would bust the heaters and pull the windows down of his truck and sing to taylor swift's songs. 'lover' would play usually, we would repeat it a thousand times, and then he suddenly left one day, i got to know he shifted abroad, his maternal uncle called them to Uk. we never got time to say good bye. it felt too good to be real. oh shit!" i blurted out when my eyes fell on the digital clock on the desk. "i am late!" i hit my last note and rush to the door. "but dont you want to listen to my final conclusion?" the psychologist asked as she straightened her back and took the rough brown thick notepad in her hand. 'don't have time, message me" i responded.

i jumped in to my leather smelling rental car and headed to my hotel first but then took a u turn because there was no time for going back to hotel, changing and then heading to the restaurant. i drove my best, while brushing my hair. thank god i took a shower in the morning and used the new rose hair serum which mother bought from the body shop on black friday sale. my clothes weren't that bad, i thought. although they were not what i wanted to wear on this specific occasion. i had decided for a black velvet v necked dress which i bought from Zara two days ago but still this knee length plain red dress which my older sister bought from newyork when she was on her honey moon, was good too, i tried to calm down my racing heart. when i stopped at the red signal, i took out a half melted, half smudged red lipstick from my bag and traced it on my thin lips, smacked them twice and threw it back in. before leaving the car, i wiped my velvet ankle boots with a tissue and took a final glance on the rear mirror, the beret looked good on my brown hair.

the waiter took me to the second floor through the wooden stairs where each step you took was noticed by your brain. i loved the van gogh starry night painting on the stairs. 'there he is' the waiter guided me with his right hand stuck in a handle position.

i saw his hair first, then his black turtle neck shirt and then his coffee brown coat and then his smile. everything slowed down as i walked towards him, he looked exactly the same but with much more mature airs. every thing went on slow motions. the tinkling noises of the glasses and cutlery felt like a wonderful melody to my ears, the delightful mixture of perfumes made the air classic, meanwhile the skyline stood still. it was a second chance given to me by God. we both anti lovers could start something from bottom and give it a name. when my cell phone suddenly beeped, i stopped to check it and saw a notification from my psychologist, i swiped on it and it said, 'call it whatever you want to, but it's first synonym will always be love. It's love.'