Interview With the Dragon

The makeup man applied a new layer of lipstick and some powder to the woman’s face while one of the tech people handed her a microphone. The two stepped away, out of range of the camera crew, leaving the woman to face the camera alone.

“Good evening, everybody,” she spoke into the microphone. “My name is Gloria Smitherigh, and I am about to knock on the door of tonight’s very special interviewee, Mr. C. Robert Dudleigh. Mr. Dudleigh is the sole surviving member of the Dragon Battalion that fought, some would say, terrorized the kingdom fifty years ago during the War of Rebellion.”

Gloria walked over to a large wooden door that covered the entrance of what looked to be a cave in a hillside. A huge knocker hung on the door, and she grasped it and banged it against the wood.

There was no answer.

“It appears Mr. Dudleigh didn’t hear my knock,” said Gloria. “I have heard rumors to the effect that he has become hard of hearing.  I’ll try again, and if he doesn’t answer, I’ll call him on his dragon phone.”

Gloria lowered the microphone and whispered loudly to a man standing nearby, “Somebody did make an appointment with Dudleigh for this interview, right? He knows we’re coming?”

“Yes, oh yes,” the man whispered back. “He knows. Don’t worry.”

Gloria gave the man a stern look and turned back to the door. Again, she grabbed the heavy knocker and gave it some extra strength this time.

“Who’s there?” came a voice from inside the dwelling.

“Gloria Smitherigh from the KING News Network. We have an interview with you.”

“Oh yes,” said the voice from inside. “I’ve been expecting you. I’m sorry if I didn’t hear you. I was in the kitchen.”

There was a sound of shuffling footsteps followed by half a minute of clicking and clanging as whoever was inside opened the locks on the door. The door swung open, revealing a heavy, seven-foot-tall, green-scaled dragon wearing a gray vest and black trousers.

“Hello,” said the dragon. “Welcome. Please do come in. I apologize for the mess. I don’t have enough room for everything, and it accumulates on me, especially all the gold stuff.”

“Don’t you worry about somebody stealing your gold?” asked Gloria.

The dragon lifted his head, took a deep breath, and let loose with a stream of fire.

“No,” he said.

“Well,” said Gloria, “I can see that your hoard is perfectly safe with you here.”

“Where are my manners?” said the dragon. “Would all of you like some tea? I just made some.”

“No, thank you,” said Gloria, followed by the crew members.

“Well, please come in and make yourselves at home,” said the dragon. He held the door open while Gloria and the cameraman stepped past him into the cave.

There was a narrow aisle in the cave, bordered on both sides by ceiling-high piles of mostly gold objects, including goblets, statues, jewelry, and small pieces of furniture. There was barely enough room for one person to squeeze through on the way to the kitchen, and the cameraman couldn’t get his equipment into the house through the narrow canyon.

“I don’t think this will work,” said the cameraman.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said the dragon. “Why don’t I bring a bench outside, and we can all sit out there and have our interview.”

“Good idea,” said Gloria.

Mr. Dudleigh disappeared into his cave and returned carrying a stone bench, which he set down outside next to the door.

“Again, I apologize,” he said. “My family has been accumulating that horde for generations, and I just don’t know where to put it.”

“I understand,” said Gloria. “It’s okay. I don’t mind sitting out here.” She and Mr. Dudleigh took their seats on the bench, and she began the interview.

“So what is it like being the sole survivor of your battalion?” she asked.

“Well, I’m sorry the rest of them have passed, but I’m glad I’m still here,” he said. “Longevity runs in my family, and I hope I inherited it. If so, I might live to be 100, more or less. It depends. I quit smoking cigarettes several years ago, so that should help.”

“I thought all dragons lived to be hundreds of years old,” said Gloria.

“Oh, don’t believe everything you read,” said Mr. Dudleigh. “That’s a fairy tale, made up to scare children into behaving. We live as long as humans, and if we eliminate refined sugar and white bread, we can live a little longer.”

 “What is it like being a dragon in modern society? Are people still afraid of you?”

“Humans are always afraid of those who are different. Why should dragons be the exception? Yes, people are still scared of us. It’s good in a way because it keeps the riffraff away. I can choose which humans I want to have as friends and which I would rather scare away. Actually, that isn’t the most challenging thing about being a dragon. The worst thing is this compulsion we all have to accumulate gold and other things. Have you ever seen that television show where they present people who hoard things? Well, that’s us. It’s part of our nature, our instincts. It makes life complicated.”

“I’ll bet it does,” said Gloria.

There was a screeching noise as the cave door came slightly ajar.

“Oh dear,” said Mr. Dudleigh. “I keep saying I’m going to get that door fixed, and someday I will.” He rose from the bench, walked to the door, and slammed it. Instead of closing, the door flew open, and some of the gold horde from inside the house came tumbling down on top of Mr. Dudleigh, causing him to fall.

“I hate it when that happens!” he said. He pushed the fallen gold pieces aside, rose, and dusted himself off with his talons.

“So what can you do to alleviate the problem?” asked Gloria.

“I wish I knew,” said Mr. Dudleigh.

 “Maybe you could sell the items off,” said Gloria. What do you think?”

“I never thought of that. I’m not sure my ancestors would approve.”

“Well, they aren’t around to say anything.”

“That’s true.” Mr. Dudleigh looked into the camera and said, “I have a collection of gold and other objects that has been in my family for 900 years. Each generation has added to the hoard until it is piled to my ceiling with only a narrow aisle to walk in. The prices will depend, of course, on the daily price of gold. I don’t want to lose money on this deal.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said Gloria to the camera, “If you are interested in purchasing any of Mr. Dudleigh’s gold or other objects, call the KING News Network at the number you see on your television screen or email us at kingnewsnetwork.com. We’ll be glad to pass your offer on to Mr. Dudleigh. How do you feel about that, Mr. Dudleigh?”

“Are you offering to do all the work for me?” asked Mr. Dudleigh, “Yes, of course, I accept. Any way I can get rid of all the junk is alright. Do you hear that, people? Contact the network. They’ll get in touch with me. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call my precious objects junk. None of it is junk. It just seems that way when your family has been collecting it for 900 years, and you have to live with it and protect it. Please, please, please! I desperately want to unload it! I’ll tell you what – I’ll give $10 off to the first ten people who respond. How’s that?”

“That’s good, Mr. Dudleigh.”

“And I’ll throw in a toaster oven.”

“Okay, Mr. Dudleigh. Well, I see that our time is up. Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed, and good luck with your garage sale. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.”