The Basement

July, 2001

My name is Jupiter and this is my first journal. Ms. Tone, my English teacher says I could be a great author someday, but for now a journal will keep me sharp. So here goes….

I am 10yrs old but i'll be 11 in three months. I live with my momma, my step- daddy, three sisters and my little brother. My sisters, (Rainy, Misty, and Stormy) are 7 years old and triplets. They are ir-ra-ta-ting. I sometimes act like I can't tell them apart just to mess with them. They get so mad and I just laugh. First secret I'm going to tell you is sometimes I really can't tell them apart if I don't get to see where their freckles are. When I was little they scared me and I just called them all the same name. Momma showed me that they actually do have some differences. I just had to learn them. I try to stay away from them. They are always trying to get me in trouble.  I love my little brother though. His Name is Mars. He is 5 years old and is already way cooler than my sisters. They’re such girls. Barbies and glitter and bows. I think I just gagged a little. Anyway I take Mars everywhere with me. He is still little but once he gets bigger i just know we will have all kinds of fun. The girls have each other and I have Mars. Daddy is my step daddy but i never call him step daddy because he has always been there. He has raised me as his own and there isn't a better Daddy in all the world. Second secret, I'm his favorite, he told me. Shhh that's our little secret he said. Then he gave me a big hug. It's ok though because the girls are mommas favorite for sure and-….. Oh shoot  I hear momma calling to get ready for church. Until next time………

October, 2001

UUUUUh!!!!!! Why did this have to happen to me?!?!?!? I'm so horrified nothing will ever be ok again. I just want to die and truthfully I feel like I am dying. Maybe I should just pray and ask God to take me now. What is this pain?? How do women deal with this??!?! And OMG I'm so embarrassed I totally freaked out. This is what happened:  So i spent the night at my friends house in the middle of the night i wake up in puddle of blood (apparently the women in my family bleed heavy whatever that means) of course i freak out wake up the whole house shouting at the top of my lungs while crying hysterically, “I’m dying! help me please! I don't want to die!!”. Momma isn’t real big on talking about those sorts of things. So I had no idea it could happen like that. Once I was able to be settled I was then informed of something much worse. I had entered womanhood. I got in the shower and cried for an hour hoping the quiet storm, a local radio station that plays old school r&b drowned out my sobs. I don't know why I feel  like I've lost something. Plus I think, well I feel like, Daddy is being weird towards me. I hope it isn’t because of this stupid period….….. Until next time….

March, 2003

Omg it's been so long since i wrote in here. And soooooo much has happened. Lets catch up. I got my first boyfriend. He's so cute. His name is Jason and we kissed! I was so scared but Mars was my lookout and I knew he wouldn't tell me. Having a boyfriend is cool. He is a “badboy” everyone says so, that's why I like him. Plus!!! He's 15. I couldn't believe he wanted to talk to me but i mean I will be 13 soon and he just turned 15 so I act like it is no big deal but really IT IS!!!!. All the girls at school are jealous. We are really cool like homies but that's definitely my boo.  Second, I got into my first non physical fight today. This girl at school just kept bullying me talking about my hair and my clothes. Just a little bit at first then it got worse and worse. She would not quit just all day everyday. Like so mean for no reason. Finally i just got so sick of it. Today i couldn’t take it anymore I stood up looked her dead in her face and shouted at the top of my lungs, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO DO?!?!?!? YOU WANT TO FIGHT?! HUH???!!!! DO YOU???!?!? LETS GO!!!!!!!”. My heart was beating so hard I think you could see my shirt moving and I felt so sick. I really thought I might throw up, not to mention I don’t really cuss like that and they sounded weird coming out but I was happy with the effect. I couldn't let that beastly girl continue to make me feel afraid. What was the worst she could do? Amazingly she backed down. I couldn't believe it. I felt so powerful. I totally thought she was going to beat me up. Wish I had known all this time that all I had to do was show her I'm not afraid to get beat up or whatever .Who would have thunk it?? My only regret is that Ms. Gray was in the room andIi definitely did get detention but I felt it was well worth it. I had to tell momma of course but she wasn’t even mad not even about the cussing. She said she was proud I stood up for myself. I think that was the best part. Anyway got to go to bed.... Until next time…….

August, 2003

Jason and I are done. He wouldnt stop asking me to have sex and i just felt so pressured. I didn't want to disappoint him or have him tell everybody i'm just a baby so i did it. It was awful. It hurt. I was scared he was rushing and rough. It  wasn't like the movies. Not to mention he seemed just as scared as me. Which really surprised me. Everyone said he would leave me if I didn't do it because that's what he's used to. And if he wasn't used to it then why had he been so pressed to do it even after I told him no like 50million times. But hey what do i know?? Obviously nothing and neither does anyone else because he dumped me like the next week. At first i was super sad but now i'm over it. I just want to forget it ever happened. The whole experience was far worse than i could have ever imagined.Definitely not something I will be doing again anytime soon. I don’t care who it is....Until next time……

December, 2003

My Daddy found you and now he knows about Jason and what we did. He waited until momma left for work. I don't even think he told her. He made me tell him what i had done then he cried i was so ashamed and embarrassed. Then he beat until i had bruises everywhere and called me a whore and said that's all i'll ever be now. He began to rip my clothes off and right before he shoved himself into me he said you want to be a woman ima show you what being a woman is….…. Until next time…..

January, 2006

 I tried to be the perfect daughter so he would love me again like he used to. Nothing I do is ever enough. The only time he talks to me is in the basement. Every other night I meet him there. He said I was fat and that it disgusted him. The beatings got worse. But the meetings in the basement didn't slow down at all.  I've started exercising maybe it will help with the beatings

March,2006

 Im totally fit now.  Not one inch of fat anywhere. I'm always tired but it's worth it. I’m finally close to my target weight. 5’6 and 100lbs i'm almost to my target weight. I only eat 3 crackers a day, drink a lot of water and I have a rigorous workout plan. At first it involved a lot of different things and more food but now really it's just cardio and self control. I had to quit volleyball and the debate team they were cutting into my workout time. Plus i dont have the energy for much else. Mom keeps asking what's wrong.how can i tell her what’s really going on with me?? Would she believe me if I told her that she is sleeping with a demon. I don’t want to find out. So I tell her I'm fine. 

September, 2006

I can't hide my weight loss anymore. I don't care, I won't stop. They can't take this away from me.  I control what goes in and out my body. He has threatened me and even tried to beat me into eating. But I just throw it up. Sometimes right at the dinner table just to spite him. The basement meetings hardly happen anymore. I think I truly disgust him now but I also see fear in his eyes. The last time we met in the basement he begged me to stop and that my mother was worried and I was causing unnecessary problems. I just stared through him. He can't touch me now. I've wrapped myself in bones.

                                        February, 2007

 Mars asked me, really begged me to go biking with him. I didn’t want to go. I knew he wanted to know what was wrong with me. Things between us had changed only because of me though. I was afraid to let him close. So little by little I have shut him out. I was just trying to shield him from my pain. As soon as we started out he began. He asked if I was mad at him and my breath caught me and I almost broke down. I got off my bike, gave him a hug and tousled his hair. “Of course not my spaceman”. He smiled at the nickname I hadn’t used for him since we were little. Then he became solemn, looked me dead in my eyes and said, “don’t leave me Jupiter I love you.” I spent the rest of the bike ride trying to see through my tears..... Until next time…..

July, 2007

I collapsed again. Mom is checking me into a hospital. He won't come out of his room. After everything he has done all the beatings and the abuse he has done i thought he'd find joy in my current state. Damn him he has the nerve to actually seem sad. They told me if i didn't start eating more this would happen. What do I care ? We all have to die someday the way i see it the sooner the better.

September,2007 

Doing better I guess at least that's what they tell me. I really don't know. He keeps coming to see me at night just standing there like he can't understand what set of circumstances has led him to this place. Other times he rocks in the chair that has been pulled to my bedside mumbling to himself. If i didn't know the evil that resides within him i would think he was praying for my swift recovery. Alas that would require some type of love from him and I've long since realized that innocent affection is nomore and maybe was never there to begin with. What i do know is  I would rather die here alone in this stinking hospital than ever have him touch me again. Yet I loathe giving him the chance to stand over my grave. So I must live long enough to piss on his grave. Then I will be free.