Serial Sasaeng

April 4, 2023

I’ve been accused of being a lot of things: creepy, obsessive, a stalker. So when it comes to my love for Han, a member of an underground idol group called ASR, of course, people say I’m a “sasaeng”. I feel so misunderstood. I prefer to call myself an intense romantic. My feelings for Han are real, and I didn’t just see him and fall in love with his looks. It’s the contrast between his cute face and athletic body, his perfectionist personality, the way he jokes around like a child, and not to mention he’s exceptionally talented. My love for him is pure, growing daily through every Youtube video, interview, and live stream. We must end up together, and I will do everything to make it happen for his sake. If he ended up with someone else, it wouldn’t be fair to him because no one can love him as I can. 

Everything I’ve done in life, I’ve done with the goal of marrying him in mind. I learned Korean, moved to Korea to teach English, and worked my way into the K-pop industry as a stylist. Finally, I caught a break and got an interview with the same label Han is under. You wouldn’t believe it, but as I left the building, I made a wrong turn and ended up outside the Publicist’s office. No one was around, and her Mac was on- she must have hurriedly gone to the bathroom. My adrenaline rushed as I quickly looked through the contact list, and, oh my god, there it was, Han’s contact information and address. My hands shook so badly that I could hardly type it into my notes. After all these years, I’m finally able to make him mine. 

May 25, 2023

I’ve been tracking his schedule for a while now. Every Wednesday, he hits the gym in the morning and spends the rest of the day at home alone getting that much-needed alone time he needs as he’s truly an introvert. This is when I’ll strike with a grand romantic gesture. Being an underground idol and all he lives in a pretty average, low-security apartment building. In the morning while he’s at the gym I’ll sneak into his house with roses, wine, and his favorite snacks to show how well I truly know him. I’ll make a trail out of rose petals leading to his bedroom where I’ll be waiting there for him. I’ll wear my red silk lingerie with the big bow on the butt to symbolize me offering my entire being to him, the present of physical and spiritual intimacy on a level no one else could ever offer him. 

May 31, 2023

Fuck, what did I just do? I went to Han’s apartment and set everything up as planned, but when he returned from the gym, he wasn’t happy that his soul mate was waiting for him. When he entered and saw the rose petals on the floor, he yelled out, “Who is here? Come out now.” He was putting on a tough act, but his voice betrayed him with a quiver. 

I came out of the bedroom. “I’m here to unite with my other half finally. I’m your biggest fan, but I have much in common with you. Sometimes I never knew whether I wanted to be with you or be you. I have so much respect for you.” 

His eyes were wide with fear, and he was sweating. 

“Maybe that was too forward?” 

“I actually recognize you from ASR’s meet and greets. You’re at every single one. You always bring me Banana Kicks with a romantic letter attached. I’ve read them, and they’re all very touching. The love you have for me is charming. Although misguided by fantasies you’ve made up in your head to escape the mundaneness of life.” 

“Wow, I knew you would get me, oppa.” 

“I try to understand people because the world needs more empathy. I really appreciate your support as a fan for all these years. Because of fans like you, we can keep making a living doing what we love. Your visit here today has inspired me to keep working hard and giving it my all. However, it would be best if you got going. I don’t want to cause you any trouble, but you can’t be here.”

“Please just give me a few minutes. This means everything to me.” I tightly wrapped my arms around him, and he gently hugged me back. 

“I can’t. You know I can’t hang out with a fan. I really don’t want to have to get the police involved.”

I couldn’t let my last chance slip away without giving it my all. In a last attempt at making him fall in love with me, I grabbed his face and pressed my lips hard against his. He pushed me away.

“I’ve kept it a secret all this time with the help of my great Publicist, but I have a girlfriend. She was my high school sweetheart. We’ve been together for ten years now. I might make it public, but know how crazy the fans are- wait, I didn’t mean that.” 

My vision went red with rage. How dare he love someone else. What could they offer him that I couldn’t provide a thousand times better? At the end of the day, if I can’t have him no one can. I grabbed the heavy lamp next to me and smashed it over his head. He fell to the ground and was bleeding pretty severely. He was only half conscious yet had the nerve to say, “Have you ever seen me as a human, or have I always just been a projection of your ideals? Was I a trophy boy you wanted to collect to prove your worth? You’ve never known love, only obsession. You’re an empty shell of a person, and I’m all the qualities you wish you had.” He tried to scoot himself to where his landline phone was. Who even still has one of those? 

My feelings for him left at that very moment. Love turned to hate. I became so angry at him for calling me out and seeing right to my rotten core. His head hit the ground, and he fully lost consciousness. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife to finish him off with. I stabbed him so many times that he could not survive. Finally, all those negative emotions that accompany rejection have been released. I returned to my rational self, cleaned off the knife, showered, and ensured I left no traces. They’ll never catch me. 

June 1, 2023 

A new idol group made its debut today! The group's name is Nineteen, and one of the members, San, really caught my eye. I can’t stop thinking about him. From this day forward, I dedicate my life to him. San, my love, you’ll be mine someday.