Lost in the Supermarket

Despite being so bright red and green, the cardboard Santa next to the till looked battered. Wilting a little to the left, he looked like he’d been propped up last December, rather than being a decoration for this coming Christmas.  

A child with flushed cheeks – no doubt from terrorizing his mother throughout the store – lunged for the weary Santa. As he tugged the cardboard toward him, gleeful, TJ realized why old Saint Nick was in such poor condition. Even after his mother admonished him, the child continued to sneak desperate, twitchy glances at the decoration.  

Realizing he had been looking at a stranger’s child for a solid twenty seconds, TJ shifted his attention back to the cereal aisle. He had been meaning to decide on a new breakfast, but the options were overwhelming. Honestly, how many cereals did one society need? He looked at the various marketing schemes, wondering what terms like “wholesome” or “innovative” meant in the context of cereal.

“TJ?”

The voice, familiar and foreign all at once, pulled him from his cereal reverie. When he turned to find the source, it took him a second to adjust. It was like seeing a celebrity in an airport, where you need a few moments to first doubt yourself and then finally confirm the reality.

“Alice!” When he said her name, the immediate and warm smile on her face confirmed what he already knew.

She went in for a hug, and he recognized her lavender vanilla body spray. After all these years. There was something both intensely comforting and a little bleak about the fact some things never change.

When they pulled back, she shrugged with a grin. “What do people say in these situations? ‘As I live and breathe’ maybe? What does that even mean?”

TJ laughed, shaking his head. He had so many thoughts fighting for attention at once and couldn’t find the one to commit to with his mouth.

“Are you living here again?” He finally settled on a question.

“Nope. Just passing through. I’ve got a show two hours away tomorrow. Thought I’d pop in on the parents on the way there.” She maintained eye contact, polite curiosity in her eyes. “Do you still live on 88^th?”

“No. Mel and I moved to a townhouse last year when she got pregnant.”

She clapped a hand to her mouth. “Oh my God. Congratulations. Boy or girl?”

“Girl. Six months old now. Her name’s Kelsey.”

Alice smiled. “After your mother.”

He nodded slowly, feeling a panicked sensation creep in. This friendly chatter could only go on for so long, and then she’d be gone again. It didn’t feel like he’d had enough time to get answers to his questions, to soak up the forgotten sensation of being around her.

Years ago, they could only go about three hours around each other before one of them picked a fight. Something about their two personalities created friction that was as pleasant to soothe as it was addicting to start.

Right now, three hours sounded perfect. He wanted to know if she was still the same woman, as her barely changed face would suggest. There was something different in her expression, something heavy. Where had she earned that?

Before he could scramble to think of something else to say, she beat him to it. “Well, it was great to see you.”

There was nothing else for him to say but, “You, too. Take care, Alice.”

She smiled up at him for another moment, and now he was sure both of them could feel the weight of it – the desire to keep talking. But then she stepped past him, leaving a faint scent of vanilla behind her.

He grabbed the first box of cereal his eyes landed on, no longer capable of caring about something so insignificant.

When he stood next to the cardboard Santa at the till, he tried to discretely glance around the store. Was she still shopping or had she breezed out, eager to get away?

“That’ll be seventeen oh six.” The bored-looking teenager at the till had a ring of bright blue eyeliner around her eyes. It had smudged to the point where he was pretty sure it no longer looked as she originally intended, but she also had the air of someone who didn’t have the energy to care.

He had never been so slow to pull his debit card from its spot in his wallet. Even though he could feel the blue-ringed eyes impatiently watching him, he decided to insert the card and punch in his code rather than tap it. The debit machine rung through faster than any other purchase of his life.

Before stepping out into the cold night, he had one more look around the store. She was nowhere in sight. Maybe she was hiding. Abruptly, he felt embarrassed. Had he misread her happiness to see him? Was she currently texting her friend about the horror of running into her first ex?

Shaking the thought from his head, he stepped forward to trigger the automatic door. There were only a handful of cars in the large, snow-dusted parking lot. With a jolt, he saw Alice was leaning against her red Civic.

For a moment, she didn’t notice him. Arms crossed as a shield against the cold, she stared off at nothing. As if she sensed his stare, she shifted to see him.

“Hi.” She had to almost shout the word due to the distance between them, which made the whole situation even funnier.

Closing the space between them, TJ crossed over a dozen empty parking spaces to meet her. “Hi.”

“Sorry.” She said this out of nowhere, but he understood what she meant. “Do you want to grab a drink?”

She took another breath as if she were about to say more, to explain her reasoning, to check if it was okay. Then, instead, she closed her mouth and waited for his response. That was something different about her. The confidence just to state something and then allow the silence. She used to talk so quickly, lapping herself, not letting anyone get a word in, as if the shelter of sentences would keep her safe.

“Sure.” He hesitated. “Oh.”

“You have to get home. Of course. Don’t worry about it!”

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s just that Remy’s closes early on Sundays now. In ten minutes, actually.” They both knew there was no other bar within a twenty-minute drive.

Maybe this was the universe conspiring against them, rejecting the idea of their catch-up. TJ didn’t believe in coincidences. Too many experiences had given him the firm belief that things happen for a reason. Perhaps he was meant to just go home and wish Alice all the best in her life, the one that was now completely foreign to him. He was curious for the details, to know how life had treated her, but you don’t always get what you want.

Alice pulled a six-pack out of her grocery bag. “Your truck’s bigger than my car?” Her playfully exaggerated shrug brought her shoulders all the way up to her ears.

He laughed. “How did you know I kept my truck?”

“Some things never change. Also, I saw it in the parking lot when I pulled in. Well, I was pretty sure it was yours. I couldn’t remember your license plate.”

It felt awkward to walk to his truck. For a moment, TJ felt a wave of squeamish regret. What if he was about to embark upon the most painfully long beer in human history?

He put their bags in the backseat before opening the passenger door and stepping aside for her. She smirked, and he shook his head.

“Still weird about guys getting doors for you? Strong, independent woman that you are?” His fear of awkwardness slipped away as he remembered how easy it was to banter with her.

Hopping up into the truck, her smirk faded. “No. Just remembering how much I used to hate it. I really gave you a lot of grief over that, didn’t I?”

As he slid into the driver’s seat, he quickly turned the heat on. “So, you’re okay with guys opening doors for you now. Wow, who even are you?”

She put her hands up against the hot air channeling out of the vents. “Oh, I’m still me. I’ve just been around enough assholes not to turn down a little chivalry here and there. I guess I’ve learned how to pick my battles, or maybe decipher what are actually battles.”

When he didn’t speak, she turned to see his surprised expression. “What?”

“Nothing. But really, who are you?”

“Shut up.” She laughed, and it was the first genuine sounding laugh of the night. “Who are you now?”

He took a moment to consider the question. “I am the co-owner of Athletica Sportswear. I’m a husband and a father.” He paused. “That’s about it.”

“No more identities?”

“Those are the key ones. What about you, comedian?”

“Yes, comedian. That’s about it. Oh, and I can’t forget – disappointing daughter.” She pulled a beer out of the cardboard packaging and handed it to him before cracking one for herself.

“Did the visit with the parents not go great tonight?”

“It definitely did not. I always do this, too. I convince myself that they’ll come around and be the supportive mother and father I have in my mind. The longer I go without seeing them, the more I’m able to create them as I want them to be in my mind. I get excited to see them. And then after five minutes sitting across from them, I feel like a pile of shit. You’d think I’d learn eventually, right?”

He watched her take a big sip of her beer, considering her question. “Well. I think everyone does that with their parents. Set themselves up for the same heartache they’ve had a million times before. Recreate their childhood bullshit.” He half-smiled. “But really, your parents must be impressed with you now? I saw you on late night last month. I mean, fuck. Congratulations. You’re killing it.”

She offered a small smile in return. “Thanks. They didn’t watch it.”

“You’re joking.”

“Nope. They said it wasn’t ‘their kind’ of comedy.”

“There’s no way they didn’t watch it.”

“Is it better or worse if they did? Was it so horrifying for them they thought it was better to lie to me than tell me what they thought of it?”

“There was nothing horrifying about it. It was hilarious. I couldn’t believe it when I was flicking through the channels and there you were. You really did it.” He played with the label on his beer, just teasing the corner of it. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you at the time.”

She glanced at him. “I wouldn’t have expected you to.”

They both allowed the truck to fill with silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Neither of them had expected anything from the other in a long time.

“Are you happy?” Her question was heavy, impolite. It somehow felt right.

“Mostly. I don’t know. Isn’t the human condition one of eternal dissatisfaction?” He spoke the last words lightly, like a joke, but she maintained her unaffected stare.

She clearly wasn’t going to let him off the hook.

Tugging a little harder at the beer label, he sighed. “You always wonder what your life would be like if you made a few different decisions. Isn’t it insane how drastically your life changes based on a single decision? It doesn’t even seem like a big one at the time, but then you look back and see the domino effect and realize the gravity of it.”

Nodding her agreement, Alice remained silent.

“There are days where I wonder how life would look if I took that soccer scholarship. It’s hard to admit that to you, of all people.” He paused, reflecting on how much she had pushed him to do it. “I know you think I made the wrong choice.” When she opened her mouth to interrupt, he quickly continued. “No, you do, and that’s fine. We were always different breeds. But the older I get, the more I understand why you were so adamant about it. I see now how it’s typically better to take the chance on something than to risk a lifetime of regret.”

By now, the label was threatening to fall off with every touch of his fingers. He gave it a final tug, setting it free. “I don’t regret it. I know that when we were together, I could easily have gone down either path. Honestly, I think I talked up the foreign scholarship route so you would be impressed. It was never me. When I come home and Mel greets me with Kelsey asleep on her chest… I think ‘this is it.’ I did it. This is the dream.”

When Alice blinked, a tear escaped her left eyelid. Instinctively, TJ reached for her hand. “What is it?”

Smiling, she squeezed his hand before letting go to wipe her cheek. “Sorry. I’m rather emotional lately. It just... it just makes me really happy to hear you talk like that. I always wondered if you were content in life. To know that you’re satisfied means a lot.”

“Your turn, missy.” They both chuckled as his old term of endearment rolled off his tongue.

“Despite my state this evening, I’m pretty good.” She sniffed. “I’m not going to pretend the nights in hotel rooms don’t get lonely and make me wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. But it’s the only thing I can imagine for myself. And whenever I get another crumb of success from the powers that be, I use that as fuel for the next six months.”

Alice took a sip of her beer, and he could tell she wasn’t done even before she took a breath to speak again. “The worst part of being on the road all the time is that whenever I come back to my apartment, to my local friends, to regular life… everything’s a little different. My friend has a new fringe or different coloured rims on her glasses. The grocery store stops stocking my favourite tea. You know, when you’re gone, people don’t stop living their lives. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll be on the move too long and it’ll be too late to rejoin society. I’m losing days.”

TJ almost offered a consoling comment but caught himself. She’d see through the transparent attempt at thin comfort. It was more respectful to acknowledge the truth of what she’d said and not pat her on the head as if it weren’t real.

“That makes sense. Well, staying in one spot has its downsides, too. You get quantity instead of quality time with people. You take things for granted. You can lose days that way as well.”

Alice nodded. “I guess you have to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice for the life you want, don’t you?”

TJ gave his agreement with one firm nod. “You know, people talk about you all the time. No one in this town’s surprised at your success. Except, I guess, your parents.”

Snorting, Alice clapped her hand to her mouth for the second time that evening. This time, it was to stop the beer from spluttering onto his windshield.

“I’m sorry.” He laughed, not at all sorry. It was nice to see her like that. “I made the comedian laugh.”

“Yeah, you know the right button to push.” She looked out the window, and both of them watched as the last employee of the grocery store locked up the front door. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Please.”

“I’m hoping to meet someone who makes me want to give it all up.”

He studied her face for a moment, then shook his head. “No, you’re not. Maybe you sometimes wish you were, but that’s it.”

She wasn’t ready to give up the fight that quickly. “No, really. If I continue this way, what will my Christmas look like in twenty years? Passing through another hotel room? No family?”

“You can’t just think of what you want your Christmas to look like in twenty years. What about the other 364 days? You have to think about what you want your average Wednesday to look like in twenty years, too.”

Silence for a moment. “Damn, TJ. When did you get so wise?”

“I think producing a human unlocks another level of intelligence.”

“That is not always true.”

“You’re right.” He laughed.

The interior of the truck lit up red as the brakes of the car behind them pulled away. Both of them could feel it, that their time together was supposed to end now.

Alice shifted in her seat to make full eye contact. “This was really nice. It’s like riding a bike, talking to you.”

“Thanks for the drink, Alice.” TJ allowed himself to study the details of her face for another moment. She really hadn’t changed very much.  

“I hope I run into you buying cereal in five years. We should do this again.”

“Make it three years.”

She smiled. “Goodnight.”

Without another word, she reached into the back to grab her bag. As she turned and opened the truck door, he got his final whiff of lavender vanilla.

Even after he watched her Civic drive away, he remained still in the truck. He had often wondered what it would be like to see her again. Every once in a while, he’d look at her social media to see what city she was touring in. He wanted to know more about her life. And her sudden appearance tonight had offered him a bird’s-eye view of his own life. To have a few answers to his often-wondered questions was a good feeling.

Even better was the feeling he had as he reversed his truck out of its spot and started the trek home.