Lint

It is an innocuous…don’t really know what to call it. It reminds me of having your soul cleaned by a professional. Your sins are pulled from you by the mere mention of the word salvation. Father Maytag and Mother Westinghouse, delve into the spirit of who you are, and spin the inevitable shedding of life’s lessons into the collection basket for easy disposal.

But that is not the reason I chose lint as something to collect. My first inclination was to use it to stuff pillows with, like the new version of My Pillow, which in actuality would be closer to personal experience than some guy who appears in your medicine cabinet and suggests you’d sleep better if you were aligned. My mind of course jumped to an add suggesting I may just be out of alignment. Then, I began to obsess about paying for the service. Not having the protection of the new syndicate, “If It Can, It Will.” Of course, they assume you will become eligible for acceptance for their protection, by having a problem that will not occur until after they have changed their name, and moved on, or you have been so often dismissed by a synthetic televangelist voice you simply expect to be abused. But such is…

In deciding I needed a hobby, I will call it that, as it was suggested in this time of self-imposed isolation, and my delicate nature, I needed something to take my thoughts off the incompetence in the world around me. Incompetence seemed a natural progression of choice in the consideration of Lint. Lint has no political or social ambiance that allows bigotry and arrogance to flaunt its dismissive paranoia on the material from which it has originated. Therefore it represents the everyman nostalgia.  Just because the everyman phenomenon never became recognized as a phenomenon, should not prevent it for remaining a possibility.

Lint also has its own spiritual following that was founded on the scripture, According to Dust. Or at least that is my interpretation. “Encounters Under the Bed,” a must read.  Dust is also an innocuous element, but it has a distinctive organic panache, that because of its nature radiates a color differential unrivaled by imitation, and therefore a step above lint, which is primarily varying shades of gray or brown, depending upon personal fashion choices. Gray and brown are not the most inspirational of colors, but then they are representative colors of the majority of God-fearing political analysts.

It is for these reasons, as well as the fact that one has to do little to acquire the desire of your needs, makes it available to anyone who may or may not, have the funding to partake of this unique and entertaining endeavor, collecting.

I have always had an unfulfilled desire to know what lint actually consisted of. Especially after the cost of clothing soared. If I have to pay an exorbitant amount of money for a shirt, because it purveys a modicum of success or social status, I anticipate it will remain a viable example of not only fashion, but necessity, for longer than it takes me to proceed home and place it lovingly on a pillowed hanger in my closet.

And then there is the question of becoming involved with a business that encourages 6, 10, and 12 year olds to exploit material to produce a shirt likely to succumb to deteriorating principles, allowing the smiley face of Gump to find its way into the realm of wash pails and auto waxing.

So, I began to look at lint in an entirely different light. When something can change from, lets say an iconic example of acceptable design, to an element that will make you sneeze if you are not aware of its ability to distract, I had no choice but to delve into the basics of where it came from, what it actually was, and why.

I didn’t know what the exact definition of lint was, but being that it was to become my most recent chance to redeem myself from the intoxicating world of advertising and exaggerated promises, I went to Google for advice. I was shocked. The synonyms for lint are, fur, hair, fluff, and bandage? According to Wikipedia lint is the common name for visible accumulations of textile fibers, usually found, in and around, clothing. Not one word about dryer traps and the need to keep them clean if they are to remain functional. 

Now, I’m confused and begin to doubt my original assumption that lint could set me free, while allowing me to maintain my ability to attract and analyze differing opinions. A marvel that can hang out, and yet become an intimate part of my existence; spirituality. Lint becomes part of one of our most personal of all consumer goods, and it is commandeered, a speck at a time, by an invisible thief that wishes nothing less than, the emperor having to stand naked.

This revelation caused me to re-examine my new found passion for all particulates, lint in particular. This entire ordeal is responsible for me remembering an ancient proverbial question of my mothers, “Where have you been, what have you been doing and what were you thinking.” The questions succinct, but to the point. Because I was covered in mud, or there was a policeman at the door, solicited her queries, and my ingrained response, “Joey did it.”

Now, there was no Joey, but then I’d discovered there was no Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy either. I learned by example to believe lying was not only acceptable but encouraged. Especially if the intent was admirable, despite its lack of monetary compensation. I have always believed a tooth should been worth more than a dollar, having been to a dentist, and later receiving the bill.

I began to collect lint in 2010, the 21^st century after Christ. I have, with the aid of neighbors, family members, and ex-friends, produced a lint lump weighing somewhere in the vicinity of 1500 pounds. I keep it in the laundry room next to the dryer, for efficiency reasons. 

I was asked the other day by a washing machine repair man, what I planned to do with the…he didn’t really have an adequate description for my fluffy sculpture. I assumed he meant lint, and me having at some point, to remove it from my home. I had not given it much thought; any really. The idea of course, of making a competitive pillow that a consumer created themselves from particulates they themselves encouraged, was intriguing. But after checking with the patent office, I realized pillow mania was already injected with more possibilities for undisturbed sleep, than there were insomniacs, so I laid my plan to rest.

Lint also has an interpretive inference pertaining to not only objects, but people. Being referred to as lint, can have only one pejorative meaning and it suggests a sense of, “Good Riddance,” to anyone it is applied to.

After having considered the advantages of collecting lint, and the disadvantages of not doing so, I have decided that perhaps used gum would be more readily adaptable to my life style. Whereas lint has limited recycling possibilities, pre-chewed gum, with the simple addition of moisture, can be used to seal leaks, wreak revenge, stress remediation, and making anyone in the process of creating a future collectible, look like a cool person from the 1950’s.

But when considering my health, mental or otherwise, and after examining the potential for euphemistic existentialism, I have decided to resign from the need to self-heal and revert to a more selfish prerogative, the tabloids. Where I am able to interpret any fact in the light of my own prejudice, and arrogance, thus eliminating my need for external distraction, altogether.