I don't know what it is about him. There is something that makes me unable to resist. I am drawn to him and I don't know why. And when I get someone in my head like this, I can't stop until I have them. Until I know what they are all about.

He is mad at me again. I said something hurtful again. I don't understand how I always manage to offend him. This massive specimen of a man is the most fragile, emotional person I have ever known. I always thought it was women who were supposed to be this way. But I have learned it is quite the opposite. He is the fragile soul, I am the mean brute. When we can't agree (which is a lot these days) we just go to bed. Fucking at least has stayed consistently great between us. I think it is the only part of our relationship when we can perfectly connect and understand one another. The second words enter the equation, we are doomed.


I moved in with him, I hated paying rent and he had his own house in the country. Or so I thought. Turns out his mother lives there. I have been tricked and I now I am in hell. I never wanted to live at home, even when I did live at home. It has a stigma but I know it is not that big of a deal. Right? Anyway, I am going mad. I feel this odd need to compete, the female style of interaction. Especially older women from the 1950s, they grew up understanding that bitchy way of interacting. It's not their fault it was the mainstream, but I don't want to exist with that in my reality. Anyway, I am really in a tight spot now. I have nowhere to live, so now I am out in the country with a man and his mother. Did he trick me, or did I trick myself?


I left without any ceremony. I think the last fight is what did it. He told me he didn't love me anymore. All we did was fight so we tried to just be friends, but that didn't work either. Too much hurt, too much damage had been done and I wonder why. When we got together we were so hooked and infatuated with one another. Where does that all go? The things I said to him, I was so cruel and he could never have done anything so bad as to deserve such hate. I know that I inflicted on him my own self-loathing and I think the scariest part of this realization is seeing just how much I hated myself. Seeing how you treat others is the real barometer. So now I know, and since I couldn't stop my destructive cycle the only thing to do was to leave. Enough is enough. So I set out to the west from the east. In a desperate attempt for something new. I hope my car makes it. I hope I make it.


The West is a place where you forget who you are. Who you were and where you want to go. It is a dream state and remembering anything other than the moment is nearly impossible. Who was I before this? I ride along in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's Jeep and we head for the looming Rocky Mountains. So wild. So free. He is always quiet and contemplative. He tells me I am strong. It is nice to be told that even though I don't really understand in what ways he means. It must be something I take for granted and overlook in myself like we all do. I can see his strength easily but I am clueless what mine is. Still being told it reaffirms my desire to be it, to rise to the occasion. So maybe just by believing it, I am it. We never fight even though we have nothing but differing viewpoints on the world. Fights are a laugh because we are not actually trying to convince the other. It's more an excuse to get aroused before sex. Fighting as foreplay is my favorite I have decided.


The water is as warm as a bathtub. Technically, I am not supposed to be here. The oceans have been banned from humans since 2020, but I don't care, I couldn't resist the transparent waters any longer. If I get incarcerated for enjoying a few moments of natural pleasure, well, oh well. You can get arrested for nearly everything these days. This beach is very remote in the jungle of Latin America. I have a better chance of getting a disease from the GMO Mosquitoes as I do of getting a police officer finding and capturing me down in this place. I drifted and floated in the lazy waves staring up at the sky wondering where it all went wrong. Why I could never stay and be content with any man, why the world went to shit, why I was here, meant to be living for all this. The simple fact was, I was too masculine in nature to be with anyone for too long. When you pair off, you give up something of yourself. It's great for a time, but eventually, I always want that part of myself back. I can't just give it away, it's on loan, that's how I rationalize myself. I look at those couples, I know the sacrifice. I see behind the smiles, and I cannot understand the security and desire to be controlled. We live in a controlled reality, maybe I was improperly programmed. Maybe I am meant to be the equal opposing force in this reality. It sure makes people uncomfortable to see a young woman living a completely independent life. But I don't see many people anymore, in a way it makes things easier. Less to explain, less nervous glances. After the virus and the near extinction of the human race, it was rare to see anyone for very long anymore. We all thought they would take the barriers of control off us someday, but they just got more rigid, and I decide to disappear and live outside the law. Or else, I would have nothing to live for anymore. I floated there in that water for a long time, the sun began to set. And I knew I had to carry on, you can't stay still very long when you are always on the run and technically no longer exist.


I wandered and found a deserted piece of land. People do not leave the confines of the fortresses these days. The great big walls block out all desirables that must be infected. And so the leftovers outside of civilization are left for us to scavenge and find. I found a small worn down structure in the rainforest. I am sure it has been deserted for a while. You can never be sure if you will be safe out here on your own, but I still prefer to take care of myself than be stuck behind those high walls. Still, I choose independence after all these years. I have learned to defend myself out here in the wasteland. It was that or be raped and killed, frankly. Like when that man attacked me. I don't remember when I just remember the options were simple and clear cut. Live or die. I would not be taken as a slave. I found the strength I had wondered whether or not I had in my youth on that day. I say not just my physical worth but my mental worth. My wit is what saved me. He could have overpowered me, but I outsmarted the bastard, I shoved my elbow into his face and shot a bullet into his skull. I burned his body and left my little jungle home. It was time to move again. There were obviously people lurking about and just because I had defeated this man did not mean I wanted to make a regular occurrence out if it. I liked living a forgotten woman's life by now. Sometimes I was curious about how the world had transformed behind the high walls. I would get all the clues I needed when a robot guard when patrol through every few days or so. I found the only way to outsmart these bots from finding me was to be in the ocean. Probably why it had been outlawed all those years ago. They could see you, so I would go far out and get behind a protruding rock because they could not feel your energy. Your frequency was blended with the oceans, the last place of protection. I would stay on the coastline for this reason. I wonder how many others are out here living like me.


Another hideout. I don't see myself leaving this one. I am tired of running. I am going to try to fortify this one so that I can spend the rest of my days on this earth here. I wonder why I held onto life this hard in the first place. What was the point? Did I have such a fear of death or was I simply distracted in my search for freedom? My dire need to preserve my freedom. That's all I can say my life has consistently represented, for better or worse, I have maintained my freedom fastidiously. It's the only thing I ever wanted enough to maintain. I still think of those men I once loved like haunting memories. I wonder what happened to them. Where they immersed in the system? Did they get married and have kids and disappear? Sadly, I am sure they did, they were too loving for their own good. I always wanted to save them, or I thought I did, in the end, I really just wanted to save myself. That is the only thing you can do in actuality. If they don't want to be saved, they must be left behind. Or maybe I was left behind, it's all how you look at it. I miss their sweet love. I miss people. Not how they are now, how I remember them. In a past reality that will never return. When people could party and laugh and dance and feel free, even if we never were. I have come to realize that freedom is something humans are not meant for, humans are meant for enslavement, we almost yearn for. But our souls will fight to be free. It's all about which one wins the internal fight. I wouldn't say freedom is better, we always doubt the course we chose and wonder what the other path would have been like. Even in my dark moments when I wonder, I know this was the only path for me. And there is some reassurance to that in my now old age. So I will make a hole for myself out of the earth. I will defend it and hopefully, I will go on from this earth as peacefully as I tried to live in it.


I think this will be my last entry because my eyesight has nearly gone. If I have any more power to control my own life I will try to die soon. I have stockpiled as my food as I could and I hope that will be all I need to get me through the tiring act of dying. Once you hit a certain point of life it all becomes dying. And I want to die right. That means having what I need and being as comfortable as possible. But since my sight is going I am nervous about existing on my own blindly. If I cannot defend myself I will die potentially terribly. I had a truly magical experience a few moons back. It was a native American man, or maybe he was Mayan, I don't know the exact area I am in anymore. But he showed me the different plants in the area and which ones work for what. He showed me the deadly ones and how they kill you. One of them was called EndRose, it ends life with deep sleep. I took some of that plant and plan to use it to end my life when I can't take it anymore. It was like he was an angel or something because he appeared just when I was starting to worry about doing my death right. It will be over soon. I am exhausted from life and honestly excited for the next one, whatever it may be. The uncertainty is no more than this one has been. So many unexpected changes have turned and winded the course of my life. I still do not know if I see the point in it all, other than to survive on your own terms. Above all else, to live a free life.

April 07, 2020 01:36

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