Burn the F*cking House Down

This story is inspired by the wildfires burning through my state of residence and the west coast of my country. The fires were in large part initiated by humans, as well as lightning strikes, and they have killed thousands upon thousands of animals, destroyed countless acres of land, and demolished peoples’ homes. My aim for a funny story is to try to provide a sense of light and humor in the midst of all the chaos.

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“Paul. Hey. You know what time it is?”

“I do, Wizz. I really, really do.”

“It’s time for…”

“…Burn the F*cking House Down!”

“That sound you just heard over that––what’s the word, Paul? The fancy one?”

“Oh. ‘Expletive’ is what you’re looking for there, Wizz.”

“Yeah. The sound you just heard over that expletive there is the sound of something called a ‘dolphin’. Remember those, Paul?”

“Ah. Cool things, dolphins. And oceans. Man, do I miss oceans. I miss ‘em. I miss em’ bad.”

“For our listeners out there, specifically all the kids that might've missed the stuff that went down––although I don't know why kids would listen to this show, honestly; seems a bad move on the parents' part..."

"Focus."

"Right. Oceans were large bodies of water––”

“––bloody massive, more like––”

“––that had lots of life in ‘em, including these cool animals called ‘dolphins.’ And fish. And sharks, and octopuses––octopi? Octopi, sure––and coral and all types of stuff. Crazy to think it all went to hell a decade ago, huh?”

“Great. You just ruined the surprise, dipshit.”

“Oh. Right. Happy Ten Years, listeners!”

“As Wizz so eloquently stated, it’s been ten years since the The Great Burn began, and exactly nine years and three hundred and sixty-four days since our very first episode! Time flies when everything goes to crap, doesn't it? In honor of our very humble journey, we have an announcement to make, folks. This is our––and say it with me, Wizz––five hundredth episode!”

“––episode! That’s right, folks. You wasted five hundred precious hours on this shit-show of a podcast. Congratulations.”

“And to celebrate, boy, do we have some gifts for our listeners. We know it’s hot out there––as in, I-can't-go-outside-or-else-I'll-burn-to-a-crisp-hot––so we’ve already gone ahead and sent gifts directly to your homes. Suffice it to say that you won’t be very ‘thirsty’ after you open your gift boxes. That’s right, folks. Premium bottled water. That shit doesn’t come cheap. You’re welcome. And, don’t forget to––”

“––to purchase your Burn suit! That’s right, everyone. We’re getting paid to advertise. We’re absolutely horrible people now. Accept it.”

“You can have your very own Burn suit delivered straight to your door by calling 1-800-575-555 now. Simply tell them your address, pay the $2,675.00 fee, and in two short weeks, you’ll have your complete Burn package sent to your doorstep. Enter the outside world with peace of mind, as your suit protects against fire, ash, and, even, smoke inhalation! Wow-ee!”

“Wow, Paul, great reading there. Why didn’t you get into acting again?”

“Coincidentally, Wizz, I’m thinking of starting it up. I hear people are finally going outside to film again. Thankfully. I don't know how many more of these 'home' movies I can take. I'm about two seconds from shoving forks in my eyes if I have to see one more superhero movie about some beefcake who 'saves the day' by ordering takeout rather than using a stovetop. Big whoop.”

“Oh, lord, please don’t tell me they’re all going to be wearing those goddamn Burn Suits.”

“You’re going to be so disappointed, Wizz.”

“Ugh. Dammit.”

“You know what? I don’t mind how they look. Pretty fashionable, if I say so.”

“You think a wet towel is fashionable, Paul.”

“Oh. Listeners, I know you can't see this, but I'm clutching my heart. Don’t say that word, Wizz. It makes me sad. You know it does.”

“Towel?”

“The other one. Dipshit.”

“Oh. Wet. Yeah. That one hurts the heart real good.”

“Speaking of ‘wet’, did ya hear? Apparently, the Water Trade hit some new highs this week. Government’s cracking down hard, but those guys still got away.”

“Of course they did. Water’s booming right now. They’re not going down without a fight, not when they’re making it big.”

"Kinda scary that they have that whole monopoly on the thing that pretty much keeps us alive, though. Seems to ruin the 'hoorah' a bit."

"Hmm. I don't know. I'd rather put my life in the hands of the Traders than Big G over here."

"Big G?"

"Government, Paul. Keep up."

"You might have a point there, Wizz."

"I always do."

“Wizz, I hate to say it, but those Traders might just be making a few more of those big bucks than we are.”

“I think you’re right, Paul. Maybe it’s time we get into the black market. We could do with the funding. Hear that, listeners? We need money. In other words: give us your money.”

“Hush, Wizz, give em’ a break. I consider it charity that they’re even listening to us right now.”

“That’s true. Didn’t think of that.”

“Speaking of low on funds, folks… Wizz is right. I know––not a phrase I say every day. But unfortunately, our studio… well, it burned down a few days ago, folks. The Great Burn got her, and it got her good.”

“Stop. You’re making my heart hurt again.”

“Listeners, we know you’ve all gone through trying times yourselves. But, if you have it in your heart, please consider throwing a few bucks our way. We’d love to continue doing what we do best––”

“––which is talk about absolutely nothing of importance, evidently––”

“But we can’t do that without a little bit of cash. And rebuilding. So, until we can get our studio up and running again, we’re down for the count. That debt thing? Yeah. It’s not fun.”

“It sucks. A lot.”

“Wizz speaks the truth yet again.”

“Folks, we’re signing off for now until we can rebuild our studio. We can’t do what we do without her. So, for now, please visit our website to make a donation––”

“––a preferably very generous donation––”

“So that we can get back to talking about absolutely nothing at all.”

“Well stated, Wizz.”

“You could even say I’m right again.”

“Nah. I’m good.”