Family Photo

Knocking on the bathroom door which seemed to feel like eternity in my young mind. I was starting to panic, would I have enough time to get ready? A cold sweat started as I feverishly hit the door trying to prompt my older sister to hurry up. Finally, the creak of the door opening as she looks at me in disgust. "Are you wear that?", she retorts in mockery. It was a pretty blue dress my mom recently purchased. I was rarely in a dress and very uncomfortable. I would prefer to be in my cut offs with a comfortable cotton t-shirt on. I knew today, my uncomfortableness was more important to my mom. I didn't want to let her down, as I feel I often do. My sister exits the bathroom with her blonde spiral curls perfectly fall upon her face. Crimson lips berates me as she walks by, lightly nudging me out of the way. The soft scent of honeysuckle filled the hall as she proceeds down it to the stairs. The clicking of her high heels almost angrily because I interrupted her time of beauty. She mumbles, "don't be long, Mom will be mad if we are late." I walk into the bathroom and glance in the mirror at my unruly locks. I throw a little detangling mist in it. I grab a rhinestone barrette twirl my hair and clip it in. I am trying to make an attempt to appear more "ladylike" on the limited time I have to get ready. Just as I put my lip balm on, I am summoned to the family sedan, for the drive to the park for our annual holiday family photo shoot. As I run down the stairs, I see my family awaiting my arrival to leave in the entryway. My sister states, "it's about time." This is a family tradition, I didn't like at all. We walk out to the sedan.   I get in my seat, my sister looks perfect with the sun glistening on her golden hair, looks at me with disgust. I sit next to her, careful not to touch the "heiness" a title bestowed upon herself. I may wrinkle her beautiful dress if I dare to touch her. I truly loathed this day. My brother jumps into the car boisterously, knocking me into my sister. She appears frustrated with the fact I touched her.  She pulls out her compact mirror to make sure a curl did not get knocked out of place. She whispers to me after careful inspection of herself, "you are very lucky". As if I knocked into her purposefully. I sat gazing out the front window and I hear my parents arguing. It becomes white noise to me now. Any trip evoked the daily arguments between my parents. My sister was in oblivion, looking at herself in her compact mirror. My brother was looking out the window most likely daydreaming as I was. How I wanted to escape this metal imprisonment I was stuck in. Escape was a place I would go to. I forgot my notebook that I would write my thoughts in. My mind began to wander on thoughts of my adventures at the creek down the street. I sat on the edge of the old wooden bridge that joined one end of the creek to the other. Dangling my legs over the edge, listening to the sounds around me. If I was lucky on a hot summer day a gentle breeze would blow. I could be found with my eyes closed taking it all in. The scents of the wildflowers, the water beneath me depending on the rain would flow fast or slow. A soothing sound the flowing water. It was solitude and a place where I wrote my thoughts in my notebook. Each page, I would doodle something I saw that paired with my writing. It was my happy place, the place I chose to escape daily family life. The place I truly felt like I could be myself. 

We arrive at the park, the photographer waves his hands with a big cheesy smile on his face. He summons us over to a large oak tree littered with some beautiful perennial flowers. The backdrop has an old weathered barn. The beautiful patina of weathered red. I thought of yesteryear, perhaps this was a farm with beautiful horses galloping amongst the gorgeous field that surrounds us. How I longed to explore that barn. I knew however today I wouldn't have that chance. My sister's dance recital is right after the obligatory family photo. As the sun it my face I closed my eyes for a moment wishing I was exploring rather than standing here waiting for my position in this photo. With my eyes closed I feel a tug on my dress. The bow being adjusted by my mom to assure perfection in her photo. We must appear the perfect family. Mom sends the portrait which is converted into a holiday card to at least 100 family members and dad's clients each year.  However nothing is further from the truth. Our little perfect family was truly dysfunctional. The dysfunction was normalized, but it still rears its ugly head. My sister lives in perfection, I survive through escape and my brother a stellar athlete. That photo hides all that is truly wrong in our family. Mom reaches over to my brother as she straightens up his hair. She looks adoringly upon my Dad as she straightens his tie. Just a moment ago, they were in a heated argument over his continuing to working late. He looks beaten the workload at times appears overbearing. We get into our positions and the cheesy smile appears again as the photographer tells us to smile while we say "family". We all get readjusted in different positions and once again the shutter starts. I am in my little dream world as this continues. I lose focus as he continues to snap the shutter. A fake smile plastered on my face as I hear the snaps of the photos.  We review the photos on the camera before we leave. My sister analyzed every last photo to ensure she looked her best. I could care less glanced over at the barn and daydreaming. The photo shoot is over, I have 364 days until the next one.

As I have gotten older, I began to miss those times with my family. We have moved on with families of our own with our own little idiosyncrasies. I still loathe photos but know these create memories that last our lifetime.