Is Killing Really A Bad Thing?

*TW; mentions or themes of blood, death, guns, self-harm.*

The man just stood there, alone. As if he was asking to be killed. He didn’t seem to be worried about anything, he should know better than that. Everyone knew to be on guard as long as I was loose. 

I stepped closer but avoided looking at him fully, aware that he might sense me watching him. The sixth sense; what I like to call the “Hex Sense”, where you can feel when someone’s watching you. My hand curved around the handle of the hidden knife. Coldness ran across my body, and it felt good. 

Realization hit me like a hammer and I let go of the knife.

We’re not killing anyone! I yelled at myself. No matter how much they look like they’re asking for it.

I turned away from him and began to walk away but stopped. It was highly tempting to go stab that man in the heart, right there and then. 

No! 

I shook my head, why was this so hard? No one should have this kind of issue. Never, no matter how twisted they are. No matter how twisted I am…

That man has a life…He might have a family, kids who rely on him. He needs to live. I told myself. I took another step away from him. I closed my eyes tightly, refusing to look at him. I needed to avoid that man, or I might break and then it would be a living nightmare for everyone. 

I opened my eyes and let out a slow breath. He has to live another day. No matter how much I want to take it from him. 

I glanced over my shoulder and saw his face. Calm, unworried. My body began to shake. I was losing control over myself once again. We are not doing this! I wanted to scream, to cry, to go hide in a dark corner and stay there for the rest of my life. 

Why was this so hard? I shouldn’t have this problem! I should be a normal man, not a psycho who wanted to take another man's life. 

I stepped closer to the man, I wanted his life…

But I stopped, I knew I shouldn’t take it. No matter how tempting it was.

No one has hired me to kill him. So it’s a risk to try, even if it’s so tempting. I have to focus on my own life. Remember what Jake told you, you’re no longer an assassin. Just a normal man with a normal life. My gaze went to my shaking hand. But it was so freakin’ hard to give it up. I have always killed, now it’s just part of me, and that man was taunting me!

I slipped into the shadows and watched the man. He just stood there, doing nothing. Not aware that he was being watched. His clothes were slick and fancy as if he was going to some fancy place later with someone. He was probably waiting for someone. Maybe a date or a co-worker or something. Why else would he be in fancy clothes and have that black hair combed back so neatly? Out of everything he did one thing drove me nuts more than anything, he was so bloody careless! He never looked behind him, he didn’t seem to care that there was an assassin still on the loose.

But you’re no longer an assassin, Nico. You’re a normal man, nothing else. No killer, no hit-man, just a normal man who has no experience of taking another human's life. 

A suspicious man approached my target…

He’s not my target!

 The new man looked like he had seen something. His blue eyes looked hollow, as I knew mine did. A bullet hung from the man's neck, but it didn’t look out of place on him. His brown hair was a mess, like he had just gotten out of bed or something. He didn’t wear any fancy clothes like the other man, only some jeans and a gray hoodie. The two men looked nothing alike, and yet here they were, talking to each other like they were best friends.

To my relief, this man was more observant. His eyes were constantly scanning the people around, looking for any threats, like myself. I knew that would help keep me more in line. 

For a moment our gazes met, and his eyes seemed to soften. Then he looked away and said something to the other man.

The other man looked surprised but didn’t show any sign of caring too much. Once again he was being careless, which relit the flame inside of me. 

How could I kill that man and not let the bullet man spot me? 

It would be tricky to side past Bullet’s watchful eye and stab the other man in the heart without Bullet realizing. It would be tricky, but not impossible. I had done it once before, I could probably do it again. 

Hopefully this time there isn’t a gun involved. I thought, my hand running across the scar where a bullet had once hit me. That night had been rough, but I still finished the job. 

…

See I had a job on a cold night. The full moon was high above in the sky. Casting a white glow on everything. 

I had one job, take out a man, Calix, that was his name. I had been tipped off that he was meeting someone at midnight at the lake, but I knew he wouldn’t be going to the lake. Why would someone secretly meet at the lake out of all places? On a weekend like this it was always busy. But I had an idea of what my contact had meant even if he didn’t, he didn’t mean the actual lake. But in fact the ruins of an abandoned building called, “The Lake”. 

So I went on my way to The Lake. That old building looked like it would collapse at any moment. The windows were boarded up, and the door was hanging on by a single hinge. I could’ve probably blown on it and it would have collapsed. 

It looked like it came straight from a horror movie.

A perfect place to hold a secret meeting…

I found myself a hiding spot and patiently waited for Calix. 

He came in a few minutes later. His dark eyes constantly scanning his surroundings, he was aware of the dangerous spot he was in. He strolled past my hiding spot without a second glance.

A foolish mistake that everyone makes…

I was able to silently follow him from afar. I kept a knife, the knife in my hand, ready to finish this. He turned a corner and disappeared from view. I stopped, he could be aware that I’m following him and he could be waiting on the other side with a gun. 

I cautiously turned the corner. Calix was nowhere in sight. Of course my caution made me lose sight of my target!

Angry at myself I moved faster, using all of my senses to keep aware of what was around me. 

The house smelled horribly like dust and even something rotting. It was bad enough that I could almost taste it, making me gag. But I kept my mind on my one task: Find and kill Calix. 

After some time I found him. He was in a dusty room that looked like it once was a dining room. 

Calix looked over at me, his dark eyes seemed to cut through me. 

“Why I wasn’t expecting an assassin.” He said casually.

“I wasn't expecting to be spotted either.” I remarked, running my finger across the blade.

“Too bad you're outnumbered.”

 I looked at him only then did I realize someone was walking behind me.

I gripped my knife and slipped away. His friend had a 45 in his hand, and fired at me. I was able to dodge the bullet, and I rushed at him. 

The man dropped the 45 and grabbed my wrist. I kicked the gun out of his reach and grabbed his arm. I began to twist it, pain spread across the man's face. He let go of my wrist. Big mistake. I impaled him in the chest with my knife and staggered away from his body. I was able to get my knife back, from his chest.

When I looked over at Calix he had the 45 pointed at my head.

“Make a move and I’ll drop you!” He growled, hand on the trigger.

In a split second I made up my mind. I ran at him, knife ready. But I wasn’t planning on stabbing him. Calix pulled the trigger the same time I threw my knife at his head.

He dropped to the floor, dead. And the bullet struck my shoulder…

…

The sound of footsteps from behind snapped me out of thought. But when I looked, there was no one there.

My mind is just playing tricks on me. Trying to drag me back into the past.

 When I looked back over both of the men were gone. I cursed at myself for letting them slip away. I began to scan the crowds, looking for either man. I hoped to find Bullet’s friend and hopefully he will be alone, and Bullet had left. 

Then I spotted the man. He was headed for an alley across the street.

How stupid is this guy? No one in their right mind would just willingly walk into an alleyway! I doubt he even is aware of his mistake. I was running low on patience with this guy, and I was running out of reason on why I shouldn’t kill him. After confirming that he was heading for that alley, I slipped into the crowd myself. 

Keeping my head low I walked for the alley, I didn’t want the attention. Attention is a bad thing if you are an assassin. 

Without realizing one of my hands rested on the knife again. The coldness returned. I sighed and enjoyed it. It seemed to make my mind sharper and more aware. I was able to see the man from where I was. He was still being unobservant, he just walked to the alleyway, not even trying to hide that that was where he intended to go. He earned many glares from onlookers. But no one made a move to stop him. Why would they? It was that man’s fault to be going in there in the first place.

I watched him slide into the alleyway, he didn’t even look back. He was a fool. Slowly I approached the alley. Once I was out of sight from the people in the crowd, I pulled out the knife. The silver blade was neatly curved and the sunlight sparkled on it.

 The man was a few feet ahead, his back turned to me. I silently approached him, knife in hand. I watched every single move he made, aware that he could have a gun or even a knife of his own.. 

You still shouldn’t do this. A part of me whispered. I’ve already gone this far, so heck why not finish what I started?

The gap between me and the man began to close. I already felt the blood, the death as I stalked closer. I held the knife ready to strike, when a rough hand grabbed my shoulder.

I froze. 

“Drop the knife, kid.” A rough voice said from behind. A cold barrel of a gun was placed against the side of my head.

Kid? Does he not know I’m thirty? 

My hand stayed on the knife, I was unsure if I could let go of it.

“Drop the knife or I’ll shoot!”

Ruefully I dropped my knife. It clattered against the stone floor, it echoed for a moment before there was silence. 

“Now get on your knees, your hands behind your back.” 

I complied, hoping that the man would offer me a clean death. I closed my eyes, as the man tied my hands together with rope. I heard him approach me.

 After a moment I peeled open my eyes, afraid of who it was. To my astonishment the man who now loomed had messy brown hair and wore a gray hoodie, a bullet hung from a chain around his neck. 

Bullet knelt and looked me in the eyes. His hollow eyes made me guilty

 Why did I go against his wishes? He’s been through enough! I looked away.

“Who hired you, kid?” He asked.

“No one did, sir.” I replied, refusing to look at Bullet’s face. 

“It’s Dash, and if no one hired you, then why are you trying to kill Codey?” 

Tears stung my eyes, “I tried to stop myself. I was told I was retired, that it was over. Like I was never a killer before. He should’ve never let me loose in this city! You should drop me here and now, put me out of my misery.” 

Dash set a hand on my shoulder. “Why, why wish for that?”

“I’m a bad man, Dash! I killed many innocent people and ruined others' lives!”

“Look at me,” He whispered. I reluctantly looked at him, his eyes looked softer than they were before. “Your not a bad man,” 

“Did you not hear me? I killed the innocent!”

“Yes, I did hear you. You’ve made some big mistakes. I have too. I’ve killed three men, and only one deserved it.” 

“Dash, I am a bad man! I shouldn’t be given another chance. I already got a second chance and you saw how well that went.” I nodded over to the man, who I was guessing was Codey. 

“You're not a bad man, you're just a good man who made some horrible decisions.” 

I felt a lump in my throat. Was he trying to kill me with guilt? If so, it was working.

“Dash, we got company, four o’clock!” Codey called. 

Dash grabbed the 45 that rested next to us. 

“Watch the kid, Codey! I got this.”

“I’m thirty!” I cried, tired of being called, “kid”.

Codey nodded and ran over to us. He tossed Dash a rifle. Dash caught it and looked down at it, his eyes widened.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked, quietly in awe.

“Your little 45 ain’t going to do a thing to that sniper. It’s time you use a real gun, rookie.” 

A gunshot came from somewhere above and Codey ducked. The bullet missed its intended target, but it struck me in the side. I cried out in pain, but with my hands still tied behind my back, I couldn’t do anything about it. 

Dash pointed the gun up at the rooftops above and shot one, twice. The gunshots rang out across the alley.

Could the people in the city hear the gunfire? If so, will the police show up soon? I suddenly wondered.

Another shot was fired from above, but thankfully this time no one was hit. 

Dash returned fire again. “Codey! Switch me, he's hurt and I know enough to help him.” He called, reloading the rifle.

Codey ran over and accepted the rifle from Dash. After Codey had a hold of the gun, Dash ran over to me. He knelt down and examined the wound in my side. 

“How bad does it hurt?” He asked, worried.

Codey fired the rifle, again. Making my head pound.

“Pretty bad.” I utter through gritted teeth.

“Let me see what I can do.” He replied pulling out a small first aid kit. He pulled out some tweezers. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see.

“You never told me your name.” Dash said, as pain shot through my side. 

I thought about it for a moment. My name was Nico Willson. But I didn’t know if I wanted to be known as that anymore. If Dash was really going to give me another chance, I didn’t want my true name to come back and haunt me ever again. 

I opened my eyes and looked at him, “It’s Andrew Lopez.” 

“Don’t worry Andrew, I’m not going to let you die. No matter how much you think you should.” He whispered, handing me something. 

I looked at it, it was a small, worn down pendant of a tree. It looked to be engraved into the wood.

“My friend Amir gave that to me a year before he was shot and killed. I have had it with me ever since. But I think it’s time for me to let go , so I want you to hold onto it. If we never make it out of here, you’ll remember, me and what I’ve told you; There is no such thing as a bad man-”

“-only a good man who made bad decisions.” I finished locking eyes with him. A smile crept across his face and a tear drizzled across his face.

“I may not have been able to save my friend or my brother, but I’m glad to give someone another chance.”