Another Sleepless Night.

It has been a tiring day. It's funny how I get tired when I have nothing to do. I tried to sleep in the afternoon but I couldn't. It was fine until a few days before, but now I am starting to get worried. I haven't slept in the last 2-3 days. I didn't think that it was possible, but it is true. It is almost 3 am and I can sense the silence around. I know that the fan above my bed is trying hard to drag me into sleep. It has been a testing time.

I still remember back in the days I used to not sleep by choice and now I am here. It's not so bad. It's just that sometimes the eyes get too heavy and teary. I sent all my servants on leave today and did all the work by myself. I thought that if I get tired, I will be able to get some sleep. But I still can't.

I don't like the noise of the fan. It irritates me. But I can’t switch it off because then It will be too hot. I have a broken air conditioner and I didn't call the mechanic because I hate being with people. I don't know when and why it started. Gradually I developed a hatred towards people. I don't like the noise at all.

I had an argument with my cook yesterday. I was angry. He shouldn't have used his phone while cooking. He kept talking loudly with someone. I got frustrated. He needed a lesson. It was my house and not his. Sometimes, I realize that it is my problem that I can't handle things properly. It happens. It's life.

Today was the limit. I kept telling my maid to not watch TV while she was working. Those ugly commercials and shitty news annoy me. She doesn't know how to clean and funnily she is doing the job of cleaning for quite sometime now. I hate her. I had to let her go.

I know that I am overthinking. I know what’s wrong with me, I just don’t know how to fix it. I was never like that. I spend my nights watching movies and reading books. I never had to struggle with my sleep. It always came natural to me. I guess things started changing when my life started falling apart. It never went as I planned. Today, in the evening, I was going through my dreams which I wrote on a paper five years back. I realized that I am nowhere near those dreams. I am still at the same position as I was then. Only difference is that I am depressed now.

I was supposed to be a script writer, but whatever I wrote was shit to the producers I met. All those pages now serve dust below my table. I think I have tried enough. Nobody can turn around and say that I gave up. Maybe I am not as talented as I imagined back then.

I read about a young author in the newspaper today. Her first novel has been a huge hit and she is just 21 years old. It is troubling me. How can it not? I am frustrated and trying to sleep with no success at the age of 35 and she is more successful than I am and she is probably working on her next book. There is no stopping her now.

I also read some motivational articles online. They didn’t help. They made things worse. Earlier I followed them, but now they all seem like waste of time. I have enough time to waste. I am thinking of calling my servants back. I can’t sustain without them. I need some people. I need to get used to the noise. Eventually I have to go out in the sun.

My room has a huge glass window and I can directly see the outside world through it. But now as I observe the window, I realize it needs cleaning. I will have to call my maid in the morning. I will help her in cleaning. I need groceries too. I don’t know if my driver would come after the scolding that I gave him earlier today. I will definitely try.

I need to start writing again. I need to start working again. There in no one with me to motivate me. I need to do it by myself. I feel like I should talk to my mother. She has raised me alone, maybe she can help me. I just don’t want her to think that I am a failure. I have never shared my real self with anyone. I don’t want her to know that her only child is not what she thinks. I won’t tell her. But I will definitely talk to her. It helps.

I want to write more but I don’t know what else to write. Writing in the night about the day always helped me to sleep. But I don’t know if I can sleep tonight. If I try and fail again at sleeping then I would again start feeling negative. I won’t try today. I will just keep writing what comes to my mind. I know it’s late but I want to call my mother. I just want to hear her voice....

I called her.... My call woke her up. I am happy that she can sleep peacefully at her age. I shared my day with her. I told her about my servants and how I gave them a leave. I didn’t tell her about my failed life. I don’t want her to be unhappy. She told me that she is coming to see me tomorrow. I am worried now. When she comes, she will know about the lies I have told her. I don’t have any big house or servants. I don’t have a huge glass window. I do have a small room with a little window in the toilet. I need to stop lying to her.

My mother died last year. How can she come to see me? Maybe it’s time. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to sleep.