The Dog that Shagged Me

The proverbial burning of the midnight oil ensued for the deranged medical student with his nose stuffed in cocaine; except the midnight oil was the electrical bill, and the cocaine was coffee. Words like nicotinamide dinucleotide and glutathione peroxidase taunted the medical student, who only had enough energy left to stare blankly with his eyes redder than a baboon’s ass. Biochemistry used to mean something to the man, but by this time the brain of the once brilliant medical student (the term “brilliant” being loosely used to actually mean operating at 57% capacity at least, not including caffeine and sugar) had been failing him for the past five hours.

He lamented his lot in life. Why did he let his parents brainwash him into thinking this was a good idea? They didn’t even make it sound appealing. Say, want to subject yourself to nearly a decade of mental strain and torture and enter yourself into an oversaturated healthcare system that doesn’t value you anyway? Gee, sign me up! He could have been a writer, a businessman, a piano player, or a song-er (wait, that doesn’t sound write). But no. Here was the pitiful medical student, choosing to blame “the system” rather than his dreadfully shitty time management. 

That said, he was accustomed to such feelings. He could say things like this all he wanted, but he could not deny that some of what he learned he found genuinely interesting. That, and it wouldn’t hurt to have a fallback occupation if ever things went south (and of course it had to be the most hassle fallback in existence). And it is due to that reasoning that he couldn’t afford to throw this exam. For the academic scholar, a feat he still wasn’t entirely sure how he achieved, failing the exam would also mean his hopes of accruing that sweet scholarship money for himself would be over (in case things ever went south-er). In 28 hours, May 31st would arrive, his doomsday (of which there were already 36). And he wasn’t sure if he’d be ready by then.

He’d reached the point of saturation. The words reflected meaninglessly off his head and right back down on the page. He considered his options. The cocaine stood idly to the side of his table, staining whatever paper was under it. Although, he knew coffee would probably do more harm than good at this point. His brain had been fried for the past few days, and he couldn’t allow himself to crash into nothingness tomorrow; that was his final day of cram studying, much more important than now. 

The medical student turned to his window, spotting the first signs of light in the once dark sky. Sleep would be the best option, he decided, to recoup his losses today and make up for it tomorrow. In a feeling that no orgasm could ever compete against, the medical student flung himself upon his bed, caressing the skin of his pillow, and allowing his slobber to moisten up its clothy face as he hung his mouth open. Bliss settled upon the face of the weary medical student, his mind now empty of such obscenities as catalases and cytochromes. 

He heard a high-pitched moan. He smiled. Was this the beginning of a wet dream? God knew he could really use one right about now. 

The moaning continued. He got excited.

A bark. That ain’t right.

He sat upright and erect, more so than his penis. Another moan–a female. Another bark–a dog. He gritted his teeth, realizing what was happening, aggravated more so by the fact that his britches would not be moistened tonight. This was not the first time his next-door neighbor shagged her dog. He tried to explain the situation once before to the admin office, but they brushed him off on the basis that he was the only one complaining about them. The sounds repeated themselves. It wasn’t his fault that the ears of a medical student became aware of even the most minute stimulus every time he tried to focus. No matter, the medical student thought to himself amidst the sounds of a pet owner enjoying her dog a little too much, he would sleep through this as he always had.

The medical student greeted his bed once again, apologized for the interruption, and continued making sweet sleep upon it. 

Awoooooo!

“Son of a bitch!” The medical student moaned back. Normally, he would love to hear the moans of a female, but to have them interjected with the cries of a freaking dog not only softened him up, it made his heart punch his chest every damn minute. Unless he could sleep soundly tonight, the efficiency of studying the next day (of which it technically already was) would be ruined. This was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, or in this case, his sanity. He threw on something decent and burst out his door, right down to the next room. He bashed his hand repeatedly on the door until a young woman finally answered. Her eyebrows were angled downward and her arms were crossed. He couldn’t help but notice how short her shorts were, and he had a pretty good idea why.

“I’m going to say this very politely,” the medical student drawled. “Stop shagging your dog.”

The woman’s face twisted. “I’m not shagging my dog, you pervert,” the woman screeched, the intonations and inflections in the way she spoke irritating the medical student even more. 

The medical student slapped his hands on his face and felt the bumps of his eyebags on his fingers. “I’m going to file a noise complaint right now if you don’t stop.”

“Oh please, the admin office probably isn’t open this early in the morning. And besides, they’re reasonable. They’ll be on my side because I can do what I want with my dog.” From behind her legs, a fat fluffy dog peeped its head out, breathing shallowly with its tongue hanging out to one side. Its black beady eyes met the medical student. Indeed, the dog was cute, but not cute in that way.

“Did you ever think that you were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, that you didn’t stop to think if you should?”

“It’s my dog, and I can play with it however you want. That’s my freedom.”

“Little too much freedom. All right, noise complaint time!” Without another word, the medical student left the shouting dog owner as he descended the elevator and went down to the administration office (actually open 24/7). The staff guy (probably a receptionist, but he liked calling him staff guy) greeted him and almost jumped back upon seeing the sorry state that the medical student was in. After filling out a form and explaining the situation, the staff guy called the woman down for a chat. He had the two seated beside each other in front of his desk. They didn’t spare even a side glance to one other.

“For the sake of clarity,” the staff guy began. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Lady won’t stop shagging her dog.”

“I wasn’t shagging my dog, and this guy is trying to tell me what to do with my pet.”

The staff guy paused, mumbled to himself if he was paid enough for this, and upon realizing having two angry residents was worse than having one, continued. “I’m sorry ma’am, but he is within his rights to request you turn down your volume if it is indeed excessive. Regardless of what you choose to do with your pet.”

“This is outrageous!” The woman’s ears glowed red. “I paid for that room and I am within my rights to play with my dog however I please.”

“Y-yes, play with your dog, but you have to keep the volume down.”

The medical student snorted. “Staff guy gets me. And is it really within your rights? Shagging a dog has to be a crime, right?”

“Okay,” the woman brought her hand up. “Honestly, it’s the audacity for me. First of all, why on earth would you think I was shagging my dog?”

“You were moaning.”

“I wasn’t moaning you asshole, that’s how just I sound when I’m having fun.”

“Oh, I bet.” 

“I’m serious.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

“Hell yeah I’m gonna—wait, what?”

“Let’s hear the alleged fun sounds,” the medical student gestured to the staff guy. “He can be the unbiased third party, isn’t that right, staff guy?”

The staff guy nodded slowly. “I have a name you know.”

“Well then,” the medical student said to the woman. “Moan away!”

“It’s not a moan,” she said with a dastardly pointer finger. “And I will show you all.” With steely determination, the woman puffed her chest out, and made the fun sound.

The entire room of only three people fell silent.

The staff guy bit his lip and darted his eyes off to the side.

The medical student nodded with the certainty of a university professor. “See what I mean, good sir?”

The woman shook her head. “Simply untrue. Surely my learned friend here knows how to get his head out of the gutter.” 

The staff guy remained silent, leaning forward on his desk and twiddling his fingers, deliberating the matter with the logic, tact, and seriousness required of the situation. 

“For me to reach a proper conclusion,” the staff guy said, “I would request you repeat the sound.”

She repeated the sound without hesitation.

“Got that? That wasn’t a moan, right?” The woman asked the staff guy, her chin pointed upward in satisfaction.

The staff guy rubbed the back of his head. “How do I word this… you see, miss…”

“Oh, I get it,” the woman scowled. “You’re just as perverted as him.”

“I didn’t even say anything yet…”

That was when a door from the back opened,  and walking in was not just a senior administrator, but the senior administrator. The click of her heels silenced any noise that would have come out, her blazer neatly buttoned over a white blouse. She rolled her eyes at the display before her.

“Is this a noise complaint,” she asked the staff guy.

“Yes ma’am,” he said.

“All right then.” She crossed her arms and stared up at the clock over the door. “I don’t usually get complaints at five-thirty. This better be worth my time.”

“Ah, Mrs. Sheila,” the woman stood from her seat and smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

The medical student bowed toward Mrs. Sheila. “Madam, if you can spare a moment, I forwarded said noise complaint to the kind sir over here, as my next door neighbor won’t stop shagging her dog.”

Mrs. Sheila was not amused. “Is this some kind of joke to you?”

“N-not at all. But her ‘fun sounds’ when she ‘plays’ with her dog have been keeping me up all night.”

“Fun sounds?” Mrs. Sheila spat.

“Yeah, fun sounds. I’m being serious Mrs. Sheila, watch this. ” The medical student gestured to the woman. “Go, do the thing.” 

The woman lifted her head up with a grin. “Surely, Mrs. Sheila, you don’t think this is a moan of sexual implication, do you?” 

She made the fun sound.

Mrs. Sheila remained unmoving. 

The staff guy scratched his head.

The medical student awaited Mrs. Sheila’s deliberation with bated breath. This would be the moment of truth, the deciding factor between good and shitty sleep. 

Mrs. Sheila opened her mouth. “You do realize it’s the volume of the noise and not the type of noise that’s the problem, right?”

“Well yeah, of course,” the medical student said. “But that is a moan right?”

One of Mrs. Sheila’s eyebrows twitched, and the medical student proceeded to bow and blurt out many apologies. 

Mrs. Sheila turned to the woman. “For my final decision on the matter…”

The woman’s eyes lit up. The medical student buried his head in his hands, accepting defeat. 

“Keep the volume of your moans to a minimum, darling. And don’t try to make things complicated. You would not want that.” She nodded to the staff guy, and with a swift turn of the heel, Mrs. Sheila walked back to the door where she came from.

The woman’s jaw was wide enough for a baby to pop out. 

And the medical student hollered and yakked and snorted up a wad of snot that came dangerously close to kissing his lips. He had won! Good sleep was upon him!

The staff guy clapped his hands together (alas, the show must end). “I do believe that concludes this enchanting early morning of ours. Sir, madam, I certainly hope this issue is resolved.”

The woman never closed her jaw, words wanting to be said but never found, as she along with the celebrating medical student left the office and returned to whence they came. The medical student layed down on his bed with an impish grin on his face, savoring the reaction of his neighbor. He grabbed his phone to commemorate this moment, perhaps to share such a silly yet triumphant story to his friend, or to write it down and laugh about it the next day. Instead, his eyes were drawn to the date. May 31st, four in the morning. 

Thus was the problem with shitty time management. In his cocaine-driven stupor, he had internalized the wrong date. His exam was, in actuality, to commence in four hours.

In the context of all that had occurred one would expect outrage, a shock of adrenaline to pump through the medical student’s baggy sac of a heart and over his body. Such was not the case given the state of the broken man. He had nothing left in him to keep him awake. In such a state, one could seamlessly skip over the first four stages of grief in a sort of mental health speedrun, and get right down to acceptance. And that is exactly what this medical student did.

He brought himself to a stand and stared at his reflection on the window. A face of pure calm, knowing fully well what he had to do. He left his room and walked a few steps down to the door of his dog-loving neighbor.

He knocked on the door to a now silent room. He waited with monk-like patience. She opened the door with an ugly look on her face. Her dog—the one that started it all—peeped its head out from her legs once again, and looked up at the medical student with an adorable underbite. 

The woman crossed her arms. “The hell you want? You come back to gloat?”

The medical student shook his head. Slapping his arms to his sides, he bowed respectfully, all the way down so far as his aching, sleep-deprived back would let him. “I would like to apologize for my earlier actions and accusing you of shagging your dog in front of the admin office.”

“I knew there was—wait, what?”

“That was wrong of me to allege something so embarrassing in front of those people without evidence. I apologize.”

“Y-yeah, you got that right.” The woman paused. “I-I’m just—I don’t know what to say.”

He shrugged as he brought himself back up. “It’s been a long day for me. I was trying to sleep and I lashed out. My bad. You don’t need to—”

“I’m sorry too,” she said. “About making my fun sound too loud. It’s just when Michelle wants to play, I can’t just say no.”

The medical student nodded. The dog had since turned around, and all he could see was a droopy, furry tail wagging. “I’d imagine it’s hard to control yourself when you have a cute dog staring back at you all the time.”

“Right?” The woman picked up the scruffy dog in her arms, and upon a single stroke of its fur, the dog panted happily. “Precious, isn’t she?”

“Sure is.”

“I actually got little Michelle here back when I first moved into the city. I mean, my first time going away from home for university? I was excited to see what was out there for me. But leaving everything I knew, that scared me. Like, this was the only university where I was able to get a scholarship, and wouldn’t you know it? None of my friends wanted to go to that university. Go figure. But I thought I could make a name for myself from the ground up. Get a fresh start. Not as easy as it sounds. In a city so big with so many different people, the last thing I expected was to feel so alone. Michelle helps me cope.”

The medical student was surprised at himself for feeling something in his heart when she said that. “As someone who moved here just for medical school, I know that feeling. Out here on an academic scholarship I didn’t think I’d get, and now I have all this pressure to try and keep it because I don’t know what I want. Cocaine—I mean, coffee, helps me cope. But now I have this exam in four hours and it’s either gonna make or break me, and I’m not sure what else to do.”

She sighed. “God, I didn’t know you were going through something like that.”

“Likewise.”

“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”

“And I’m sorry I was so aggressive.”

“Cool,” she smiled and nodded. 

The medical student cleared his throat. “I’m Alex, by the way.” He brought his hand out for…

“Dara,” to shake.

“So, Dara,” Alex said. “I actually came here for one other reason. A simple request really, since I really need to stay awake to study. Really need to.”

Dara’s eyes lit up. “Fine. This is to make up for me disturbing you a while ago: what can I do for you?”

“The one thing you do best.” And so Alex, the desperate, caffeine-driven medical student with a sleep debt more expensive than his rent, clasped his hands together and said, “Can you please shag your dog again?”