A Letter for My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

Why do you guys fight so much?

For a while now, but especially for the past year, I’ve been feeling very hurt, stressed, angry, scared, and hopeless, and it’s because of you two.

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I know I’m a horrible daughter and a screwed up person in general. I know I’m prideful, spiteful, disrespectful, so selfish, and so so many other things, and I’m truly sorry. I’m trying to be better, but it has been hard because I have so much pride, and I’m so sorry. I also wanted to say that you guys have blessed me in so so many ways and that I am so thankful for you guys and all the sacrifices you’ve made for me. You guys have been so good to me, and I’ve haven’t been the best to you guys.

That being said, I am so done with you guys fighting all the time. It’s selfish, and you’re ruining our family. I don't know why your teenage daughter is the one who has to be telling you this.

Please know, it’s emotionally, and as a result, physically, tiring, exhausting, draining for me to write and even think about this, and it’s taking me hours and hours to write it because I have so much I want to say, and it’s so hard to keep track of all my thoughts.

To start, let me just give you a complete breakdown of how I completely broke down during the week of New Year’s.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On December 29, Dad was asked to speak at a church in Brooklyn, so you guys dropped my siblings and I off at our normal church while you guys went to Brooklyn. When you were done, you texted our family group chat:

Dad: When we tell you, plz walk to the corner where we dropped you off

Mom: It’ll be in about 20 min FYI.

Twenty-one minutes later, we receive more texts.

Dad: I’ll be there in 10. Mom and I are separating

Dad: Ask her why

Obviously, the first thing that came to my mind was divorce, but I brushed it off, thinking Dad was just saying it because he was mad.

Ten minutes later, we’re on the corner, and Dad isn’t. We wait another thirteen minutes before the youngest (I’m going to call him “J”) gets too cold and we go back inside the church. The oldest (“M”) texts and calls you both multiple times, and it’s not for another eleven minutes that one of you (Mom) texts back and says: Take an Uber home if you can’t get in touch w dad. That message was sent at 1:59 PM, and it was the last we heard from either of you for the rest of the day.

When we got home, neither of you were there, though I later figured that one of you came back home before going off to who knows where because I noticed that the cars were switched. Whoever came back home had the, dare I say, decency to unlock the front door for us in case we didn’t have our keys.

The rest of the day was exhausting. J kept asking when you guys were coming back. I don’t even know how he felt that day, but I hope you guys feel good knowing that you put your seven-year-old son through all of this for the stupidest reasons ever.

I was so angry that Dad had abandoned us and that you guys were acting like children and that you were putting me through all this. I was sad that you guys hated each other so much. I was scared because I had absolutely no idea of what was going on or where either of you were. Not to mention, my anxiety was making me go absolutely insane.

You can’t even understand how bad my anxiety was though. When I get that stressed out and when I’m that confused and scared, I immediately jump to worst-case-scenario. And in this case, I was convinced that someone had been physically abused. Go ahead, call me dramatic. That’s just how my brain works when I panic.

The next morning, Mom came back. I don’t remember what happened the rest of the day except for a conversation that happened late at night over text.

Dad: What is your mother doing right now?

Dad: Shes not getting ready to go out and meet me?

M: not sure if she’s getting ready upstairs

M: she didn’t mention anything

Dad: Can you go check?

Dad: Maybe she fell asleep?

Dad: She does that alot

Mom: Will see you tomorrow... too late today

Dad: Did you fall asleep in the past?

Dad: Didn’t you used to make late night runs?

Dad: Come so we can talk

Dad: If you don’t, then I’ll fully understand.

Dad: Goodnight everyone...see you tomorrow late morning or so.

(Your mother. Is he really still going through with this ridiculous childish nonsense? Did you fall asleep in the past? Didn’t you used to make late night runs? What does that mean? Did Mom… cheat on Dad? No, she couldn’t have… I don’t know. I don’t want to know.)

Again, you can’t understand how terrified I was. At some point in the night while I was in bed, a possibility crossed my mind of what might have happened if Mom had gone, and it was just so awful that I don’t even want to think about it.

Dad came back the next morning (New Year’s Eve). You guys were still fighting. The whole day, I was so scared because I kept thinking you guys were going to leave again.

The day was a blur, but at night, we went to see Little Women in theaters. I cried so much while watching because the emotions running in my head were so overwhelming. The movie made me feel good and hopeful because there was so much love and forgiveness in the March family, and I thought it would help you guys reconcile, but it also made me feel sad and desperate for the same reasons — they had so much love in their family, and we didn’t. When the movie ended though, nothing had changed between you guys, and all of my emotions were replaced with anger, bitterness, and despair.

We got home just in time to watch the ball drop on TV, and wow, what a great New Year’s celebration we had. Not a single smile was seen that night. Just a single “Happy New Year” from each member of the family, despite the New Year being anything but happy so far.

Just as J said his goodnights and was about to go to sleep, M said something along the lines of, “Are we going to talk about it or what?” It was dead quiet for a few seconds before Dad just went, “Talk about what?”

That scared me so much. Again, you don’t understand how terrified I was. I had no idea what was going on. Confusion, anxiety, and pure terror led me to believe that something really awful was about to happen.

Later that night (around 2 AM), you guys started texting in the group chat. I don’t have the exact texts, but they went something like this:

Dad: come downstairs if you want to talk. ur mother just left the house again because she doesn’t want to talk about it

Mom: That’s not what I said at all so I don’t know why you’re twisting my words.

Dad: anyways fact of the matter is that ur mother and I are getting a divorce

Dad: ur mother is getting the papers right now

At this point, M knew how traumatic this would be for me, so she rushed over to me, took my phone from my hands, and removed me from the group chat. For the next ten minutes, I cried, and M hugged me and soothed me.

My older sister took on the role of a mother because our own mother and father were too busy acting like children — in fact, they were the ones who caused our pain in the first place.

I don’t even know how to explain how utterly awful I felt at this point. My whole world crashed. I was just in so much pain.

Once I was able to calm down, I realized what the divorce would mean financially for our family. Dad was going to lose his job as a pastor. How would we get any money? How would we be able to afford two houses, two sets of furniture, and two cars?

And though this wasn’t as pressing, what would this mean socially for me? All my friends and all the aunties and uncles from church…while I had no doubt that they would still love me and my siblings, how would this affect my relationship with them? Would they not want to interact with my family because of all the awfulness? Would we still be allowed to see them? Even if we were able to spend time with them, nothing would ever be the same because of my family’s shame.

Divorce is normal in this day and age, and it's honestly so incredibly sad. No child should ever have to either split their lives into two or have to choose one parent over the other because their parents can't live with each other without fighting.

When I woke the next morning, I just stayed in bed and cried. I was so full of dread and anxiety and sadness. I didn’t want to have to see you guys and talk about the divorce. I just wanted everything to be over.

Eventually, you both came to my room. While you were on your way up, I heard Mom laugh at something Dad said (I guess Mom came back sometime in the night), and I immediately became so enraged. You guys were going through a divorce, and you had the nerve to joke, to crack a smile after all this time?

And then you came into my room. Dad said something along the lines of “Mom and I talked about it, and we’re okay now. We’re sorry.” And I just broke. As you know, I spent the next hour sobbing on my pillow.

What upsets me is how you guys just expected me to get over it. Like it was nothing. I was completely heartbroken, and you just wanted me to stop crying.

Another thing that upset me is that one of you saw my phone and had the nerve to say, “Why is your phone upstairs?” You quickly followed that with “It’s okay this one time though.” Are you. Kidding me. I had my phone in my room so that I could check the Ring app to see if either of you would leave again. I was terrified.

And then you go on about the rest of the day pretending that you guys were never fighting. We went out to eat. We smiled. We laughed. We spent time together. Everything was normal. We never talked about the divorce. In fact, we never spoke of it again. It has been seven months, and neither of you have brought it up a single day.

I would’ve certainly brought it up if not for the fact that I felt like it would end in certain divorce as well as the destruction of our whole family.

I don’t think you understand how hard and emotionally taxing this has been on me. Seven months, and I haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone. Obviously, we can’t speak about it to anyone because Dad is a pastor and our family has a reputation to uphold. I haven’t even been able to write it down until now because I feel so strongly about it that I can barely express it.

I'm just so angry because I feel like I'm being gaslit. You apologized on New Year’s Day in my room. Ever since then, we've all acted as if it never happened even though it clearly did. One thing in particular that disgusts me is when I hear one of you say, “Did you hear that so-and-so got divorced?” in the supercilious way you guys say it. Get. Off. Your high. Horse. You were right about to divorce, so don't give me that crap because it makes me sick.

Here are just three instances of when I felt gaslit in case you deny this and say I’m making it up.

First, there was Valentine’s Day. While you were on a date, you sent the group chat these texts. Yeah, I was glad you guys weren’t fighting, but what you said made me so angry:

Dad: Mom and I obviously don’t have a perfect marriage but evidence that we’ve grown was just shown…

Dad: was about to pick up this bottle of sparkling orange beverage which kind of tastes like a glorified orangina but it’s more expensive and she told me that she didn’t tighten the cap so we avoided a major tiff

(Mom and I obviously don’t have a perfect marriage. That is the most we’ve ever talked about anything related to the divorce, and I wouldn’t even say it counts as bringing it up because that’s just the sort of thing a pastor will say every once in a while to seem humble. We avoided a major tiff. So, what? If Mom hadn’t told you she didn’t tighten the cap, you would’ve fought again and then divorced? Wow. I’m so proud of you two.)

Second was when J said at the dinner table one night, “If Mom and Dad got divorced, who would you want to live with?” I left the table, went straight to my room, and cried. About half an hour later (8 PM-ish), Mom comes into my room and says something along the lines of, “Why are you upset? Are you still mad at J? He’s seven and didn’t know what he was saying. Please stop being angry and come down.”

I was not angry or upset with J at all. Obviously, he didn’t mean anything by it. It’s called trauma. I’ve only said this about a billion times in this letter, but again, you can not understand how scared I was over New Year’s.

Third, you guys fought at your dead daughter’s burial site. Just think about that for a second. It had been my first time there in over a decade (and J’s first time ever), and you guys choose to act like children as you visit your dead daughter. And then, after fighting at the burial site, in the car on the way home, and in the car for two hours when we got home, you pretended it never happened.

Do you understand how emotionally manipulative that is? I go through hours of worrying, and then, all of a sudden, it’s over. Yes, I was glad everything was okay between you guys, but it drove me insane. I would obviously rather you show each other love than hate, but seeing affection between you two sometimes angers and confuses me because are we just going to pretend that you two weren’t going to get a divorce just seven months ago?

Also, bringing up you guys shaming other people for divorcing again, why don't you take a look at your own families before you say stupid stuff like that. Dad, both of your siblings got divorced. Your younger sibling freaking had a child out of wedlock. Your dad constantly yells at your mom, and your mom constantly hides things from your dad. Mom, your brother and his wife fight about everything. I don’t know whether to be thanking all of you (parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents) for this or not, but I don’t even want to get married anymore because all of your marriages have shown me that true love is absolutely fake and that marriage is just a trap.

I’m sure you guys can tell, but I lost a lot of respect for both of you. You know how I’ve been getting really pissed off for no apparent reason these days? Chances are it’s because I’m thinking about what happened over New Year’s. It doesn’t even matter if it has nothing to do with what took place then. In my head, everything just leads back to it.

I’ve left out plenty of other details from all your fights that now trigger me because I can't even tell you how I felt at those times.

You could say I’m exaggerating, or you could say I’m victimizing myself too much in this letter. Maybe I am. But that doesn’t change how I feel. And you can’t change how I feel. Neither can I. Even if I am overreacting, being hurt and terrified for an illegitimate reason does not make me any less hurt and terrified.

To make things super clear, I want two things to come as a result of this letter.

First, I want you guys to know how I feel and just how much you guys are hurting me. Go ahead and say that’s selfish, but I have been traumatized by these events. Again, maybe I’m overreacting, but even so, it has physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually screwed me over so bad — I don’t know what to do.

Second, I just want you to stop fighting and be better. Love each other. Please.

Despite all the anger, frustration, bitterness, fear — everything — in this letter, I just want our family to be healed.

Don’t you want the same?

I love you both so much.

- B.