The Show

Good evening sir.

-         Good evening.

May I take your hat and coat?

-         Why, yes, yes you may.

Very well, sir. Please follow me. My, what a fine coat this is, sir! Excellent workmanship. Handstitched, too! And the very, very best leather.

-         Why thank you. Yes, it was incredibly expensive. I bought it for the occasion.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Well there it is. Safe and sound for collection later. Now. Allow me to show you to your seat.

-         Thank you, that’s very kind of you, but I shall in fact be accompanied by a lady this evening. She’ll be here very soon.

Of course, of course, a lady. Well, you may wait if you like. Here - or there - by all means. But when the time comes, sir, that, over there, is your seat.

-         That seat over there?

Indeed.

-         It’s rather small.

It is.

-         I don’t think it’s big enough for two.

Probably not.

-         And it’s very close to the stage.

Yes, yes it is.

-         Why, that seat is practically on the stage.

That is true.

-         I dare say, it doesn’t look very comfortable.

Oh, I assure you, sir, it isn’t very comfortable at all!

-         I see. Well, is it cheaper, on account of the discomfort, and its smallness, and its proximity to the stage?

I’m afraid not. In fact, it’s a great deal more expensive.

-         More expensive? But look at that seat! It’s possibly the worst seat in the house.

Quite possibly. In fact, probably most definitely.

-         Well I quite detest that seat and I should like an altogether different seat, if I may.

 Oh, I’m afraid that won’t be possible, sir.

-         I don’t understand. How can there be no other seats? I’m quite sure my lady friend would have booked well in advance. And knowing her, she quite possibly requested the very best seats in the house.

Undoubtedly! And I can promise you, sir, she shall have nothing but the very best seat in the house.

-         Well, this is ridiculous! There must be another way.  

Oh, but it’s a full house, tonight, sir! Not a spare seat to be found. Look around you. It’s not often folks like these get to enjoy entertainment of this nature.

-         Right. Right. And what exactly is the nature of this evening’s entertainment? My lady friend didn’t say. She only said to look my very best and to be quite on time.

Well I dare say, sir, you excelled on both counts.

-         Yes, yes. I dare say, I believe I did. But now, back to the seat. Could you not give me someone else’s seat? Perhaps the seat of someone who doesn’t look quite as… spiffy? Or perhaps the seat of a gentleman who isn’t accompanied by a lady of my lady friend’s – shall we say – caliber? She’s French, you see, my lady friend. And very wealthy, I suspect. What about that fellow over there – the skinny chap with the rather dark demeanor? He could have my seat, and I could have his, one-would-assume, rather-more-comfortable-seat? Or perhaps my lady friend and I could be seated together?

I am terribly sorry, sir, but that simply isn’t possible. That seat, over there, that is the only seat for you.

-         Well, my lady friend shan’t be happy with this arrangement. She is sure to object rather vociferously! I haven’t known her very long, but I can tell that she is very, very particular.

That may well be, Mr. Hopkins, and one wouldn’t want to upset a lady of such a… particular nature, I do agree. But I’m quite sure your lady friend will have absolutely no objections to any of the arrangements this fine evening. Not a single one, God willing.

-         And what – did you say – what exactly is the arrangement this evening? What exactly is this? She never mentioned. Did you say?

I don’t believe I did.

-         Well. Is it a jazz band? I detest jazz bands. And being that close to the stage simply won’t do if it’s a jazz band.

Not to worry, sir, it’s not a jazz band. Although a bearded man with an oboe is bound to make an appearance from time to time.

-         Well that sounds horrendous.

It’s positively horrific.

-         Good lord! Well then, is it a dance performance? I’m not one for dancing, I can tell you that much. It isn’t ballet, is it? I do loathe the ballet and I’m afraid I shall be kicked square in the teeth, given how close my seat is to the stage.

Oh heavens, no, sir, it’s not dancing and most certainly, most unambiguously, not ballet!

-         Well thank heaven for small mercies.  

Indeed.

-         Is it theatre? I’m not very partial to the theatre! All the dramatics! I simply couldn’t stomach it.

Oh no, sir, it’s not theatre. Although, certain elements are somewhat… theatrical, and I can’t say it isn’t without a fair bit of drama. But, oh! Look, sir! I do believe your lady friend has arrived. And right on time.

-         Yes, indeed! Right you are, my man, right you are. There she is. Oh my, she is a sight for sore eyes.   

That she is, sir, that she is.

-         I don’t believe I have ever seen, let alone met, a woman with such confidence. Such poise. Such a… commanding demeanor. She certainly does turn heads, doesn’t she?

That she does, sir, that she does.

-         Why, it seems there isn’t a single person here she doesn’t know. Not a single person here who doesn’t know her!

Well, perhaps just the one, sir.

-         I… I suppose… I suppose I should go over there and greet her now? If you’ll excuse me… I get the feeling the show is about to start. Oh, but about that seat-

 Yes, indeed, sir, the show is about to start!

-         Ah, but where is she going? Oh my! Shall I call to her?  

Oh no, sir! Don’t call to her. That would be quite obscene. Can you not hear the hush that has suddenly befallen the place? Can you not feel the raw excitement in the air? Look, the audience is all but settled… just the last few still shuffling expectantly into their seats. A whisper here, a giggle there.

-         Oh my, it’s gone quite dark!

Ah, yes. But, your lady friend, sir, is over there… Do you see her? In that single beam of light. Taking a breath, preparing for her entrance. I dare say, sir, this is by far my most favourite part of the evening.

-         But I don’t underst--

Hush, Mr. Hopkins. Hush. The time has come for you to take your special seat. These two fine gentlemen will escort you - right to it!  Now, my advice to you, this evening, Mr. Hopkins, if I may, is don’t resist. It only makes matters worse. Now please, do take your seat. Madame doesn’t like it when we’re late. 

-         But-

Goodbye, sir. And thank you for a most splendid coat.