What’s up with Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Josephine’s sleek and shiny silver Range Rover pulls up in the driveway and I double check my clothes and shoes before opening the door. I didn’t want to embarrass her with my worn out tennis shoes or yoga attire- a usual for me. It’s a rare treat when she takes off work and spends the morning with me. Today, we are just going to shop at Costco so I didn’t think I needed to dress up too much.

Sliding in the passenger seat, I give her a quick hug, discreetly double sniffing myself as I do to make sure I didn’t forget deodorant. I relax back into the seat as the familiar and pleasant fragrance hits me that can only be described as Aunt Josephine. There is no flower nor spice I can relate it to but I know it must have cost over a fortune for a bottle. Since I don’t carry a purse, I make a move to place my keys and phone in the console only to get stopped by Aunt Josephine.

“Nuh-uh. Not here,” she chastised. I know she meant it to sound lighthearted. “This is all glass and the keys will scratch it up. That happened to the last vehicle I traded this in for.” She was always trading in vehicles.

I attempt to toss them into the door storage compartment but her sideways glance and the furrow between her brows told me that was a ‘no’ as well. In the end, I left them on the floor on the too white towel she had placed for my feet. Did I check under my shoes for dirt?

Aunt Josephine has come along ways over the years and I am happy to report that she didn’t cover the passenger seat in towels this time. I remember back, years ago when I was younger and we had rare dinners at her house. Mom would always give us the big speech before we arrived. “Don’t forget to take your shoes off at the door. Don’t touch the walls with dirty hands. Don’t lean back on her couch. Don’t chew with your mouth open. Don’t touch the cheese.”

The list was endless but those were the most important. Especially the cheese. We dressed in our best for those dinners but mom didn’t need to worry. Aunt Josephine was a prepared woman. Upon entering, she had notes tacked on the wall in bright markers that said ‘shoes here’ with arrows pointing in one direction. It was truly hard to miss. Her apartment was mostly designer furniture and glass tables.

Her couch was the most uncomfortable place to sit but we did so with a smile, per moms instructions. It was a beautiful set, handmade from duck feathers by some fancy designer that matched the elaborate rug on which sat the glass coffee table. The problem with the couch was not its design, but from the 300 yards of cellophane she wrapped it in so no oils from our skin could penetrate it. Those evening went by slow but we left knowing no one dared touch the expensive cheese.

My flashback was interrupted as Aunt Josephine pulls into the corner Walgreens, just a few blocks from my house. I look over to find her pulling out a lint roller from her door.

“Cat hair. All over your clothes,” she stated. Oh boy. “If that gets into my air conditioner filter, it will clog it up. I’m looking into getting a HEPA filter but until then,” she smiles as she holds up the lint roller.

I take it and slowly start to remove the almost invisible cat hairs but she directs me outside. I quickly glance around to make sure no one I know was shopping at this hour as I let her de-hair me in the parking lot. Ok, so maybe Aunt Josephine still has some quirks but she truly has come along way.

Upon arriving at Costco a little while later, Aunt Josephine parks at the furthest spot away from the store. That was to keep anything from scratching her vehicle, she informed me. She pulls out a gift card she had gotten at Christmas last year and asked if I knew how to get her a membership with it so I showed her which direction to head just as small droplets of rain came down on us. Just before reaching the doors after what felt like a 5 mile hike, a car sped by us, splashing water everywhere, including Aunt Josephine.

“Drats!” She muttered. “They shouldn’t even have license,” she muttered again as she wiped the dark curls off her face. After straightening herself out, we continued inside. I’m so proud of her.

The line was very long, something I dreaded, but she seemed to be ok with it. I scoot a couple inches away from her and pretend to look at a nearby magazine rack as she started her usual observations.

“What the hell is that woman wearing?” “Why is there only one cashier?” “Who wears jackets like that in Florida?” ”How long does it take to take our money, give us a card and send us on our way? You would think they were winning the lottery up there!”

What feels like hours later, it is finally our turn. Aunt Josephine may have complained about all the people who took so long before her, but within seconds she is under the clerk’s sales spell, her eyes even gloss over when she hears about the reduced gas prices that come with her membership. Now it is my turn to get impatient as the bubbly blond prattles on now that she has Aunt Josephine’s undivided attention. Hook, line, sinker- poor Aunt Josephine is sold. She even forgot about being drenched in street water.

“Let’s get out of here before we catch cold.” Wishful thinking. I also didn’t expect her to give in so easily to a annual membership of $120.

Now it is finally time to shop. Aunt Josephine must have been in such a hurry, or perhaps still dazed from such a great sales pitch, she quickly grabs the first cart we find. I cringe at the string of cursed words that fly from her mouth as she yanks her hands back from the cart. Her right palm is smeared in a greenish gray gravy looking fluid and I didn’t want to imagine just what it may be. Bird poop? Or perhaps a green smoothie left out and oxidized.

She reaches in the pocket of her scrubs with her other hand only to come out empty handed. She had picked me up straight from work and didn’t want to waste the gas going to her house and back

to change. It was then I realize, she always carried sanitary wipes and anti bacterial sanitizer in her pockets and now she has none.

“Maybe we can buy some hand sanitizer here or baby wipes?” I suggest. “Its pretty cheap and usually sold in bulk.”

“I don’t want to spend money on 50 when I only need one. I’ll just wash it off,” she says with false bravado and a smile. I have a feeling she will be going in to her doctor after this for a checkup to make sure she wasn’t contaminated by that strange liquid. I quickly grab another cart that seems free of anything contaminating and follow her to the restroom. A public restroom; a room I’ve never, in my life, seen my aunt enter. I watch in fascination as she stealthy maneuvers her sleeve down on her free arm without getting any goop on it and use that to open the door.

Within minutes we are back on our way down the isles and I refrain from asking how she was feeling. First stop was is the bread isle. She picks and pokes but nothing seems to interest her. Next stop is the frozen fruits but only one bag of fruits are organic so she choses that. As we head to the vitamins department, we pass a young lady handing out samples. Curry chicken on rice. I was sure my aunt would refuse but she seemed to asses the lady.

I watch as her eyes drift to the black hair net- check. Next the gloves and apron- check. The third test is the lady’s overall appearance which seems to please Aunt Josephine and she grabs a sample and we continue. After a very long reading of every ingredients on every blood pressure vitamins, we are ready to check out.

Halfway to the checkout, Aunt Josephine clutches her stomach.

“Are you ok?” I ask as she rubs her stomach.

“Yeah. Why don’t you check out and I’ll meet you out front.” She says as she beelines to the

restrooms; the second time this day. I also note that she didn’t bother with her sleeves as she yanked open the doors and bolted inside.

After checking out, I wait for Aunt Josephine by the front, watching the rain pour outside the glass doors.

“Sorry about that,” she says as she joins me. “That curry gave me the runs.” I refrain from saying ‘I knew that would happen’.

“Ready to head out?” I ask.

She pulls out her phone to check the weather and gathers that it will rain for a few more hours and she didn’t have that kind of time to stand around. We maneuver the cart through the cars and rain until we make it to her vehicle. My shoes are drenched and Im sure hers are too. I stop pushing when I hear Aunt Josephine laugh. It’s a beautiful sound but I look over anyway, just in case. What had brought on her joyous mood?

She just smiles as she opens the back of her vehicle and then points to her mud soaked shoes. “I forgot extra towels.”

I can’t help but laugh too. Its not like her to forget so much in one day. As she closes the back, a milk carton rolls out just as the bottom of the hatch meets the car and an explosion of milk splatters everywhere. Both on us and inside the vehicle. Aunt Josephine is really big about food in her vehicle so I can only imagine the thoughts racing through her mind at this moment.

Instead of finding something to clean up with, she dumps out the rest of the milk and puts the carton in a plastic bag she had in the back. We load the car quickly and she slides into the drivers seat, wet clothes and all but I wait by the passenger door. Do I dare? Opening the window, she hollers at me to get in. I do as told, but refrain from leaning back, unsure of my wet clothes on her brand new leather seats. Aunt Josephine just smiles as she puts the vehicle in drive and heads back towards my house.

The ride back is quiet and I rack my brain for something to say but come up empty. Instead, I reach over and turn on the radio, hoping the music will up lift our spirits. “Cause you had a bad day, Your Taking one down,” starts humming through the speakers.

“If you don’t turn that off, I’m going to swerve off the road,” she says over the music.

I stifle a laugh and turn off the radio.

“You know, its really not a bad day,” she says after a beat. “I really enjoyed spending time with

you and shopping. We got a lot done and I found some high blood pressure vitamins. Organic too” Unable to help myself, I grin. She must have just had a massive breakthrough. Could this be it?

Maybe it just took something small, moments like these, outside her comfort zone. I sit back, completely forgetting about how drenched I am, and start plotting my next outing with Aunt Josephine.

As we pull up to my house, I gather my keys and phone, and lean over for a hug but she puts her hand up to stop me.

“I need to make sure I’m not contagious first.” I bite back another laugh. “And I have to go home and burn my scrubs, shower and bleach my body. Then I have to go to the dealership and trade this in for a new one again.” With a heavy sigh, she slowly shakes her head, “man what a bad day....what a day this has been.”

Well so much for the breakthrough, thought we were getting somewhere. I guess somethings really do never change.