Nelly

The door was a crack open. Nelly took a glimpse through that door. She saw nothing. She took a step back, breathed, and looked inside again. A small beam of light seemed to escape through the crack. She was over excited. Overwhelmed. She was intrigued by something in her. Nelly was so desperate to know the source of that light. The light was so overwhelming that it made her take a step back. Again, she breathed, and looked through that crack again. Feeling lost and anxious, the light disappeared again. At that moment, Nelly was nearly fainting, lost in the idea of nothingness. That idea scared her. It suffocated her. Nelly grabbed her posture again, and with every ounce in her body, she breathed and looked inside through the crack again…. nothing was there. The light had totally disappeared into the darkness of that crack.

Nelly decided to go back into her room and forget about that mysterious door. Alas, the idea of that door couldn’t escape her head. It kept banging over and over again until Nelly was near explosion. She felt a huge headache. She was unaware that the headache was actually the constant banging of the that idea. That erotic idea.

Nelly woke up the other day after a huge struggle to sleep. She tried hard to bury that thought. The tingling in her head amused her. Yet, the first thing she did was going again to that door. The crack was still there. The same crack. Again, Nelly took a step back, breathed, tried to look inside, but, took a step back again. She was terrified of the idea. Again, the idea of nothingness. What if the light was not there? What if she saw nothing? How can she eliminate that short glimpse of the light from her head? All these questions tingled Nelly’s mind. Simultaneously, they suffocated her. The air was very hard to inhale. That state of madness transformed Nelly into a breathless statue. Although she was in a static state, motionless, her veins were still pumping through her skin. Her brain was, in a fraction of a second, constantly tortured by those questions. Suddenly, she gained her motion, and started to run again to her room. The questions didn’t stop their tingling. Yet, they resumed as a remembrance of the torture. Nelly tried to sleep again…

The big house consisted of six rooms. Three rooms were downstairs, and three rooms were upstairs. Nelly’s room was upstairs. The three rooms downstairs were for her parents and for her two brothers. The other two rooms upstairs were empty. One was for guests, and the other with a crack opened door was forbidden to enter it. It was never understood actually, why a room that was forbidden to enter had a cracked open door. Shouldn’t the door be totally closed? Or even sealed? who left it a crack open? who was there? Why someone would try to enter that forbidden room? Eventually, why it is forbidden in the first place? All these questions played in Nelly’s head, at the back of her head while she was somehow asleep. She was in between the two states of consciousness and unconsciousness. Lost, in the amidst of all. The questions kept replaying at the back of her head. Nelly was in torture, since her first encounter with that ounce of light.

Nelly’s parents were rich. The father was a former mine owner, and now, a current real estate company owner. The mother, a hypocrite, lost in her wonderland of fantasies. Her first fantasy is the fantasy of being the most beloved woman in the town. The second fantasy is the fantasy of being the richest woman in the town. The third fantasy is the fantasy of having the most intelligent son in the town. The fourth fantasy is, well, not revealed yet... but it is related to, being the most respected woman in the town, regardless of pretentious woman she meets with for the morning breakfast, and whose sole objective is to maintain a minimal level of conversation. One of the random fantasies she has, is the fantasy of having a beloved husband, whose sole interest is her happiness, although they barely speak. The father’s secret goal is to divorce the mother and marry his secretary (typical). However, the secretary’s secret goal is to blackmail the father for money (in the future), open her dream company, and marry her secret boyfriend. Yet, the boyfriend’s secret goal is to marry the secret girlfriend, after she gets the money from the blackmailing of her boss, then steal the money in dodgy scams and off to the Caribbean Islands, where he will spend his life fishing on a luxurious boat.

Again, Nelly liked the thrill that the torture gave her. She pretended that her torture was only a mere amusement, although that wasn’t the case. At the end of her continuous self-questioning, she reached an ultimate conclusion, which is the source of the light is just her imagination. She entertained herself with that idea. Lost in the idea of imagination, she started to create an entire world full of light. She was so disillusioned to her own capability of imagining things, that her mind kept constructing endless thoughts of light. A house of light, bedroom of light, candy of light, street of light, water of light, and even people of light were just the beginning of her disillusioned imagination. Nelly was highly concentrated in her own word, forgetting her surroundings. The room, the house, the parents, and even her own physical existence was mere coincidence, a coincidence of being born. Yet, a slight voice, very timid, very immature was slithering at the back of her head, sending timid sentence. That sentence was very timid that even her unconsciousness was unable to collect it, track it, and comprehend it. Amazing how our unconsciousness works, yet so trivial and silly that it can’t even pick an existing signal, regardless of how timid it is. “Go and check that crack again.”, that timid voice kept saying. After its fruitless constant attempts, it finally got a chance to be heard and caught by the unconsciousness. How it worked? how was the unconsciousness able to detect that timid signal? It is still unknown for the humans existing and non-existing how that timid signal was amplified to an extent that it was caught. Serious questions here to be asked. Yet, the answers are very superficial and can’t tackle the deepness of the questions. However, a theory might be proposed. Is the curiosity of the human nature that powerful? Is the curiosity of the human nature so powerful that it can amplify timid signals? Is the curiosity of the human nature so powerful that it can transform a timid thought into a very daring one? The human nature is so complex, yet so simple that even Nelly, a very lost soul in the illusion of her imagination, was able to amplify her timid thoughts.

The thought grew louder and louder until it was able to break the wall of consciousness. Nelly grabbed her physical body and went again to that a crack opened door. At first, she was terrified to look again, but the now-daring thought was so compelling that the physical existence of Nelly can no longer ignore it, or even yet, defy it. Nelly went close to that crack, closed her eyes at first, then was compelled to open them again, breathed, looked through that crack again, and saw nothing. Again, there was nothing. No light, nothing. She started to cry, terrified, bewildered, perplexed, and petrified at the idea of nothingness. She felt extreme anger at her current state of being. She was so happy in her own imagination of light, in her kingdom. Nelly’s happiness was turned into horror. Her imagination crumbled, and became a non- existing idea, even so in her imagination. Her imagination refused now the created illusion, or was the first sight of the light an illusion? Or was the crack an illusion? It is unknown to where the illusion lies, whether her family and their own illusion, or whether the light itself, or whether Nelly’s imagination itself. Thoughtless ideas are rushing into Nelly’s head, crashing her consciousness membrane, penetrating her unconsciousness. Nelly’s own creating kingdom transformed into a fear of nothingness. That damn nothingness that can even penetrate imagination., regardless of the substantiation.