The Beginning After 730 Days

This is the first time I will be doing this. This is the first time I had the courage to face you and tell you what I really wanted to say. To tell you my feelings, to tell you that you are the one who I’ve longed for, for so long. This is the first time I’ll confess.

I walked along the streets; the sun gleamed as I look around my surroundings. A cold breeze flew by just as the first few days of spring arrived. There are beautiful flowers blooming on the gardens of each house, different colored leaves sprouting on the trees, and the smell of freshly mown grass engulfed my nose. I smiled. Even though I have been a nervous-wreck, the environment soothed and calmed me.

Before I knew it, the blue-roofed house with white painted wooden walls was in front of me. My breathing fastened and blood rushed to my cheeks as I saw him coming out of his front door. He looked at me and gave me one of his charming smiles. My cheeks became redder as I smiled back.

No turning back now. This is the day where I’ll tell him I love him.

I smiled at the memory. It was clear as day, even as 2 years have passed. After the day I confessed, we shortly got together. We became a happy couple, full of wholesome and loving moments. One moment we had in summer was one of the most memorable times for me…

I sighed as I look at my light brown beach bag that was packed with lots of outfits and some of my needed essentials. I grabbed another large bag on top of my closet and start to fill it up with another set of my belongings. I was starting to pack for our ‘special’ beach trip, as he likes to call it.

We’ve been together for a year now and this was our way to celebrate our wonderful year together. A year full of bliss, joy, and happiness. We were so in love.

I felt a strong pair of hands gently grip my waist and turned me to face him. I giggled and caressed his cheek which made him grin. He always smiles when I do that. He then puts his arms around me and held me close and nuzzled his face on my neck. I smiled and held him tighter.

We were already contented with this. With an embrace made of sweetness, contentment, and love.

We were inseparable back then. But I was also naïve. He was my first love, so I don’t have a lot of experience in that area. I didn’t know what was about to come for me. I didn’t know what I had to face.

I sip my morning coffee as I sit down on the soft sofa in my living room. I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and checked if I have new notifications, unread messages, or missed calls from him. It has been a few days and he hasn’t contacted me since. He just sends me a goodnight message at the end of each day and that’s it. He was becoming as cold as the snow outside.

Well, it shouldn’t come as much as a surprise to me as he has been like that ever since we had our most recent argument. Quite frankly, we had been arguing a lot in the past days of winter. With that, he’s becoming colder and colder and distant to me. Leaving me yearning our past memories, when we were so in love, so passionate about each other. Before everything fell apart.

Our relationship was as unstable as the thin ice we used to skate during the winter last year. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what to think.

Our relationship, once full of love and happiness turned cold and frigid. I still love him, I really do. But is love enough for us to go on and continue? If one of us is already unhappy, already hurting by the fact that they are still bound to someone they once loved, is it a valid reason to let go?

A knock on the door brought me back to reality. I took a glimpse at the window and saw a familiar silhouette of a man. I sighed as I already know who it is. I look once more at my phone, the screen showing me the text I sent an hour ago: “We need to talk.”

I brought myself to stand up and walk to the door. I was as anxious as the time I confessed my feelings to him. Ironic how we started in spring and it will end during spring as well. I took a deep breath and shakily grabbed the doorknob and start to open the door. The familiar face of the one who once brought me happiness and joy was replaced with the reason why I was hurt, lonely, and kept on longing for the past.

I greeted him and he just slightly smiled. Then I hugged him, his musky and earthy scent lingered to me. It perfectly matches this day, the first day of spring. He held me closer and nuzzled his face onto my neck which made me teary-eyed. It brought me back to the memories I treasured with him. Do I really have to do this?

I sniffled which made him let go of me and wipe the tear going down my face. He then caresses my face which made me sob and look down. I don’t like looking at him when I’m crying. He gently held my face and lift it so I could look at him. He was also teary-eyed but was refraining himself from letting his tears fall.

As much as I hate to do this and as much as I still love him, I know that I’m ready. I’m prepared and have fully thought it out. I made up my mind and I’m not going to back out now. This will hurt the both of us, but this will also heal us, to make us a better person. This is a lesson and an experience. A chapter in our lives wherein we have to end what we started in order to continue.

This was a promise to myself that I kept on discarding ever since I started convincing myself that there’s still hope…even though there wasn’t anymore. Today was the day. After two memorable years, I decided to end it. I decided to let go. To give up.

After we talked, he understood my side and I understood his. We both know that this wasn’t the right time for the both of us. This was a mere period in our lives where we learn how to grow and improve. Like spring, this is a change we have to encounter. This was only a part of our journey. Now we need to go into separate ways to go on.

I walked him outside of the house and we stopped in front of the porch. We hugged one last time, tears trickling down my face again. He lets go after a while and wipes the tears off my face again which made me chuckle. He gave me a smile and kissed my cheek. He bids farewell and starts to walk away. I held the tears welling up on my eyes and started to walk back to my house.

I stopped at my front door and just grasped the doorknob for some time as I start to reminisce the memories we had. The memories I will always cherish. I sighed. I decided to look back and see that he was also looking at me.

“Till we meet again!” He shouted and smiled.

I grinned. I mouthed an “I love you” and went into the house with one thought in mind. This is not our last…