A Matter of Oneself

September winds blew through the streets, and people I knew scurried inside buildings. I merely pulled my scarf up over my mouth and shoved my hands into my pockets. The library was in sight, still open. I walked up the rugged stairs into the warm building. Pulling my hood down, I looked around for my lady. The library was the same as it has always been, with shelves stacked high and a fresh scent of paper that never wavered, even with how many stinky school kids came in. 

“Quin, there you are!” Ms. Cathreen Greenlands said, coming in from the realistic fiction section. Her long, frizzy, blackish brown hair was in a half up half down style, with a brown shawl over her tubby body, rich blue jeans, and dirty black boots. Her brown eyes were crinkled around the edges from her large smile. I smiled at her and pulled my book out from my bag. “Hello, Cathy. I’m just here to return my book. I can't stay for any longer.” She shook her head. “No, I wouldn’t expect you to. Not with this weather, anyway.” Cathy looked up, smiling. “Not with your birthday coming up, either. Got any plans?” We both started walking towards the return section, chatting about whatever came to mind. I dropped my book in the bin. 

“We might go to Olive Garden after staying with my cousins for a bit,” I said as we made our way back to the entrance. “either that or Undo’s, but Memaw said their food has downgraded since quarantine.” Cathy nodded. “Audrey’s husband said the same thing. I haven’t been there.” We both looked out the window at the blasting sound of thunder. 

“Damn,” I muttered, looking out at the rain covering the streets. “I should probably go. It was nice chatting with you, Cathy. I’ll be back tomorrow or whenever the weather is better.” She patted me on the shoulder as I pulled my hood up. “No umbrella again? Seriously?” Cathy asked, exasperated. I laughed. “All the ones my grandma buy look like her shower curtains.” I walked out to the sound of her laughter. 

Ten minutes into my walk home, I was seriously regretting my decision on leaving the warm library. The weather was somehow worse, my jacket and everything underneath was soaked, and I worried for whatever papers I had in my bag. I walked towards the closed convenience store and made my way right towards the bus stop. 

Trudging towards the crosswalk, I stopped. Right under the bus stop flag someone was sitting on the bench. I recognized them instantly, even though some features were lost in the shadows that adorned the angles of their face. Short wavy brunette chin length hair with bangs down to their eyebrows that hid a pale face and observant green eyes, with a scarf over the rest of their face and the same clothes I wore now, except they were dry. It felt as if I was looking in a mirror. They looked up. Now they were looking at me. I bolted. I heard them follow me.

Every corner I took they followed right behind. It was like they predicted my every move. They started slowing down when I turned a corner and I almost sighed in relief before I realized I was at a dead end. “Please,” The thing behind me said. “I don’t want to hurt you. But you have to listen to me. I don’t have much time.” I turned around to face them. They stood in the middle of the alley. A streetlight down the road illuminated their vicinity and it looked like they were controlling the pounding rain. With that combination, they looked like a holy deity rather than a spawn from hell, which is what my gut was telling me they were. I felt like a mouse caught in a glue trap. Their eyes were pleading, which was unlike anything I would ever allow myself to do. 

“What do you want?” I said with indifference, but if you knew me well you could detect the undertone of fear in my voice. They caught it, the bastard, and held their empty hands up to try and make me feel more comfortable. It didn’t work. “I came to warn you.” They said while looking around suspiciously. “Someone is preventing me from telling you any more, but you can’t trust the person closest to you. They will do something unforgivable on an important day. Please,” They stopped peering around the alley and locked eyes with me again. I resisted the urge to back away. “listen to me.” They begged once more. 

I stared. Who was I closest to? All of my friends at school, if you could even call them that, had been distant lately. My online friends were much the same. I’d been alone for the better part of five years. What about Ms. Greenlands? Cathy and I were close, sure, but I would hardly call her my closest friend. A gasp pulled my attention away from my thoughts, and I looked up. 

My doppelganger was looking down at their body, which seemed to be disappearing in particles. What the hell? They looked up, only their shoulders and above remaining. “You have to trust me on this. Trust yourself. Neither of us want to see what happens if you don’t.” Then, they were gone. Nothing remained of them other than my own memory. I walked home in a daze. I noticed the rain cleared up only after I got home. After petting all of my cats goodnight, I flopped into bed and tried to sleep. Somnolence never got hold of me.

Fear kept me awake until 7am, and by then I had to get ready for school. The whole time I was staring at the ceiling with the television’s inaudible noise in the background, I replayed the events of what happened not long before. I heard footsteps outside of my door and I closed my eyes and rolled over, feigning sleep. The door opened and the light turned on. I groaned and pushed my head into the pillow. 

“Hey, it’s time to wake up.” My grandma's voice was above me. She sounded more tired than I was. “You up?” She shook me lightly. “Mmm,” I mumbled, face still shoved in the pillow. She left and closed the door with the light still on. She must’ve missed someone under her feet, because I felt four paws jump on my back. “Hey, Big Guy” I said, turning over to my snow white cat. She was a girl but the name stayed. She meowed happily as I pet her.

“Quin, good morning!” Alison exclaimed, peering over her locker at me. I walked in just minutes before I could be considered late, as always. I entered the code to my locker while looking at her. “Mornin’,” I said as cheerfully as possible. “Anything exciting happen over the weekend?” She lit up instantly. “Oh, you won’t believe it when I tell you.” She started going on about something important, and I made all the noises at the right times and said something funny every now and then, but I wasn’t really listening. We started walking to our class after we got all of our stuff, and the whole time she just would not stop talking.

“What are you two chatting about?” Jayden asked, walking up behind us. God, and now she started the whole story over again. I looked at both of them behind my fringe and considered if I thought either of them were who I would consider my closest friends. No, definitely not. Alison didn’t know how to shut up and Jayden never liked me to begin with, only ever tolerating me for Alison’s sake. I didn’t mind. I don’t like her, either. 

Finally, we made it to our classroom. I went over to my seat, not listening to the rest of Alison’s story, and pulled my book out. Flipping through the pages, the teacher's voice sounded like background noise. The words said to me last night still hung heavy on my shoulders. 

I looked around the classroom and realized how little people I let into my circle. Alison and Jayden were really the only two that I talked to and yet they still saw so little of me. Hell, I couldn’t even remember some of these people’s names. The teachers were out of the question. I didn’t trust anyone who demanded authority because they were older. That’s what was so different about Cathy. Her domain was her library, and yet she only ever used her authority over my peers who came in with no care for her books. I loved my grandma, too, but not in the way I would a best friend. So who was left?

“-Vinistra?” I looked up at the sound of my last name. My teacher and everyone else in the class was looking at me. “Yes, Miss?” I asked politely. My kind facade never worked on her. “I asked you a question.” She said unpleasantly. “I’m sorry,” I apologized sweetly. “I zoned out. Could you repeat it?” Her frown was at her chin now. “Who visited a women’s jail near Boston and discovered most of the inmates were not criminals but mentally ill?” I thought back on my notes. “Dorthea Dix,” I responded with only a seconds pause. Clearly not expecting me to be right, her eyes widened for a barely noticeable second. But then it was gone, and she sniffed and whirled around. The heads turned except one. I looked Jayden in the eye and raised an eyebrow. She gave me a rude gesture and turned around. 

September 30th was almost over. I stayed up all night and watched the clock on my laptop while laying down on my sheets, counting down the days until October 1st and therefore my birthday. I didn’t know the exact time I was born, but that didn’t matter. One minute. Big Guy was beside me. She shared less enthusiasm than I did for my birthday, but I gave her whipped cream every year so she stayed. I opened the canister and sprayed some out on my finger and let her lick it. Thirty seconds. A notification made my phone light up so I turned it over. It was probably the class group chat, which I kept on mute more times than not. 15 seconds. Big Guy was done with the whipped cream and laid her head down on her paws. “10, 9, 8, 7, 6,” I counted, following the digital clock. “5, 4 , 3, 2, 1,” I picked Big Guy up and put her on my lap. “Happy birthday to me,” I quietly said to her. She licked my nose. 

“Happy birthday!” Big Guy and I both looked over at my door which was now wide open, my grandma’s large figure in the doorframe. I smiled at her. She had a little bowl of vanilla ice cream in her hand with caramel syrup. “Well, don’t let any more of the cats in,” I said to her. She came in, sat on my bed and handed the bowl to me. “Thank you. This must’ve killed you to make, I thought you hated the smell of caramel?” She pet Big Guy under her chin which made her purr and laughed. “I do. But it’s your birthday, so I had to.” 

“Did you put a hazmat suit on?” She pinched my ear. “We’ll go to Olive Garden tomorrow with your cousin and a few friends, if you want them. I need to go take a nap.” I let Big Guy go to her lap. “It’s 12am, if you’re sleeping now just call it sleeping, like a normal person.” She got up with Big Guy on her shoulder. “Fine. Since I’m not wanted here, I’ll leave and take her with me.” She did an amazing imitation of my history teacher, with her nose up in the air and sniffed. I threw the can of whipped cream at her. “Take this with you!”

The freedom of not carrying the words my clone said to me was short lived. After we enjoyed our dinner at Olive Garden and opened presents, we went home. I still hadn’t responded to the text message I received so I grabbed my phone, intending to do just that. Only, it wasn’t from the class group chat. An unknown number texted me. It read:

“Heed my warning. October 5th.”

I stared at the message. “What are you looking at?” My cousin beside me asked, who I did not notice had been looking at me. She tried to read it over my shoulder. I turned my phone off. “Just the class group chat. Seth is going off his rocker again.” She laughed and turned back to her own phone.

The car ride home felt longer than it should have. The radio couldn’t distract me. I was finally free from my stupid clone’s words and now they drop more onto me. Was just one moment of peace too much to ask for?

“You didn’t do the science assignment, did you?” Alison asked while I was getting my books. I raised an eyebrow at her. “Of course I did. You didn’t mistake me for Jayden, did you?” “Hey!” She yelped. “I’m not that bad!” Even Alison looked skeptical at this. “Well, did you do the assignment?” We both snickered when Jayden remained quiet. “Why does it matter? It’s not even due yet. I still have time.” She replied with her nose in the air. I laughed again as Alison explained, “Yes it is, dumbass. It’s October 2nd.” 

We both got to witness Jayden’s face go white as she ran into the bathroom with her computer and science book. After lunch, we also got to witness Jayden present a horrible presentation that looked like it took no more than 20 minutes to make, and even that was pushing it. Our science teacher was close to tears by the end of it. Alison and I were making rude comments about it the whole time, which we said loud enough for Jayden and the class to hear, excluding the teacher.

“You two are such assholes.” Jayden said as we left the classroom. “I’m sorry,” Alison said sweetly. I snorted. “I’m not. That was horrible. You were in the bathroom all day working and that was what you made?” She started to defend herself. “Listen, I had to find sources, then I did find something good and based my whole powerpoint on it, but it was made in 1998, so I had to start all over again. And don’t even get me started on all of the people coming in and stinking up the place.” We entered English class. “Well, it is a restroom, that’s kinda what it’s for.” Alison commented. Jayden glared at the both of us and went to a separate corner.

The library bell chimed when I opened the door. “You missed me that much?” Cathy said, looking up from some papers. I rolled my eyes as I went to the fiction section. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.” She smiled and went back to her work. I scrolled through the books for a while, trying to find something interesting. I was very picky about my fiction books sometimes. I heard Cathy get up and walk over to my area. “Here, read this.” She said behind me. I turned and looked at the book she handed me. “The Folly of Fools?” I asked, looking at her with an eyebrow raised. Cathy shrugged. “I think you’ll like it. Do you trust me?” She winked. I hesitated. It took me a moment before I said, with the book in my hands, “Yes.” 

I laid in my bed in misery. The two days went by without a hint of anything related to betrayal. Today was October 5th, 7:03. My alarm went off three minutes ago and I ignored it, so my grandma will come in 7 minutes to see if I’m awake. Would she stab me in the chest with her only good knife while I was pretend sleeping? I contemplated hiding in my closet for the rest of the day so nobody would get the chance, but that seemed stupid. And we had a test today.

My phone lit up. I grabbed it immediately, hoping it was a new message from an unknown number, only to be disappointed when I saw Seth talking about something stupid again. I threw it at the bottom of my bed. This was ridiculous. Why was I letting an unknown person control me? This was probably a prank by Jamire. He has friends in college that could make someone look like they’re disappearing into particles with CGI or something. I got up as soon as my grandma came in, without a knife. I walked to the bathroom. Who gave a shit if someone betrayed me? I had so little people I cared about in my life it wouldn’t make a difference to me anyway. I wouldn’t let it. 

Nothing. Nothing happened all day. The test could’ve gone better, but it would only affect my grade by a few points which would still stand as an A. Jayden and Alison were the same as usual. I didn’t go to the library because I hadn’t started The Folly of Fools. I ate dinner with my family and they didn’t pull a gun on me while I munched on my alfredo. 

At 8pm, I let Big Guy into my room and she didn’t claw me to shreds, although it kinda felt like it when she kneaded on my legs. I was scrolling through channels on the TV when my phone lit up. Lazily, I picked it up, ready to mute the group chat, only to see an unknown number texted me. 

“When one cannot trust themself, what would happen to their world?”

Another text came.

“That is a matter of oneself.”