If only

Grow up she said to me as I stared at her. Eventually, when you become a teenager, you'll start to find yourself but there can be people who don't want you to find yourself. Age 15 came around quickly, and I argued with my mother, "let me cut my hair" I shouted as she refused "why, your gonna look like a boy, Your my little princess" in moments I snapped "I didn't ask to be one, oh if I had the choice, I wouldn't even hesitate to pick boy, because guess what being a girl isn't all that fun." I said as I slammed my bedroom door.

Moments later there I was, cutting my beautiful curly brown hair. Looking at myself in the mirror, I finally felt masculine, now I have short fluffy curly hair like all the other boys. As I walked out of the bathroom there stood my mother staring at me in disbelief, "sarah what have you done" she said as she walked towards me, "my name is milo and I'm a boy" "you're just a kid, you're my little girl, why would u wanna change that" and then suddenly I found myself opening my mouth once again but only this time a little too much, "really why would I want to change that, I don't know mom maybe its cause I don't feel like a girl or maybe its cause if I had short curly hair that I could mess and fiddle with, girls would maybe stop and stare, or maybe its cause I would rather have a flat chest and deep voice but unfortunately I don't have a choice, I wish I could like the gender that I do without it being a sin, or unnatural. I wish i was a he but alas, it's just a wish I'm still me still a she." she stared, not having any words to say to me.

Bringing her home was the worst mistake, as I walked into my house with my girlfriend she introduced herself "hello I'm Milos girlfriend" I knew my mother wanted to say something but she kept quiet. Dinner time came around and that's where it all started "honey close your legs" my mom said to me "no" I simply replied and continued to eat my dinner, "close them or Allison is leaving" I looked up from my plate "why can I sit with my legs open mom, I should be allowed considering I'm a boy but wait no u still view me as a girl, I'm a boy and I can sit how I would like, I can play "manly" sports but oh wait you wouldn't like that, I wish I could tell the teachers at my school that my pronouns are he/they but alas they make a face, I wish I could have a boy name, I wish I could change." and now I felt Allison staring at me, while my mother slammed her fork on her plate, standing up.

My mother walked into my room as I was crying my eyes out "honey what's wrong" she asked as she sat on my bed "I wish I could wear a suit without others making remarks, I wish I was a boy, A boy who had best friends, and girl best friends, I wish I was a boy who didn't have to care how people thought about them. and I wish I was a boy, I wish I could just change. but life isn't that easy is it? having to tell ur family, u changed ur gender, having to wear a binder to have a flat chest, having to do everything that u wouldn't have to do if u were just born a he, not a she, it's hard trying to be someone who you cant be bc of others" I knew I opened up too much, "honey, your you, and if I'm whats hurting u cause I don't view you as a boy ill change my view" "mom it's not that" I said while sitting up on my bed "changing is so hard" “it's gonna be hard but you can make it” she said as she left my room

Weeks later it started, Picking up the blade and pushing it against my skin to make red-colored marks on my body. I was clean only every time someone uses the deadname I use silver to color red on my skin. “I missed this,” I said while still coloring on my skin, but I made a cut too deep, I feel dizzy, I'm falling, crashing against the floor, managing to say “mom” the last thing I saw was my dad in tears and then it went black.

 I woke up at the hospital seeing my mom wasn't in the room but instead my dad. “Kiddo what did you do,” he told me as I blinked multiple times wondering if I was in a dream, “dad is that you” “yes what have you done” “I'm sorry, I didnt mean to I wanted to feel alive again,” I said as I started to feel weak again and then nurses rushed in, I felt myself slowly slipping out of my body, seeing my dad on his knees crying begging for them to save me. I began to realize the love he had for me when I told him I was a boy and not a girl, he took me to buy clothes and shoes, he bought me a binder, he got me cologne, he was so happy but now he’s seeing his son die in front of his own eyes, the pain I've caused him in this very moment, and suddenly I found myself waking up. My dad stood up and hugged me, “please don't ever do this again”

Arriving home from the hospital was difficult, having my little brother run up to me looking like he hasn't slept in a day or 2, my other brother looking like he’s been crying for hours with puffy eyes. My mom was nowhere to be found, I later found out she left us. I know it was my fault, if only I was a girl if only I would've stayed a girl my mom would still be here with us.