Bittersweet

Life goes on. People go on with their lives. Everything around me moves, unknowing of my internal struggles. As I walk on this trail, surrounding the park, I couldn’t help but notice the wonderful sight in front of me. There was a beautiful family- laughing and joking. The children softly pushing and shoving each other, trying to stay ahead of the other. The parents staggered behind, watching in amusement with a soft smile layed upon their face.

The weather was nice this evening, just enough sunlight to lightly kiss our skin and just enough wind to breeze through our clothes. As we continued to walk on the trail, my heart sank heavier. Each step crushing, and crushing, and squeezing my breath away. They remind me too much of us.

I don’t like remembering the past. Not when my wounds never got the chance to finish healing.

Life isn’t the same as when you’re a carefree child, with your only worry being to stay ahead of your sibling.

Oh, how I wish I could stay blissful to it all.

Instead, I noticed all the alarms.

I noticed the fights. I noticed the yelling. I noticed the tension. I noticed the slammed doors. I noticed the slurs in his words. I noticed the late night text to other women. I noticed while she was out working to pay the bills. He would spend it on women and beer. I noticed the silent hot tears streaming down my cheeks, as I tried to smile the pain away.

I noticed it all.

Yet, I ignored it.

I let myself rot in solitary for a man who couldn’t choose between alcohol or his children.

We all wore hats in this family. My hat was to lead by example. Get straight A’s, they said. Help your mom, they said. Teach your younger sisters, they scored.

Eventually all the voices overlapped one another. Until all you can do is smile, nod, and do as you were told.

All while my father continued with his ways.

Because ignorance was bliss, they say.

Maybe if I ignored it long enough, it would resolve itself. Maybe if I kept pretending, we could still be happy. Maybe, just maybe, if I wore my hat right, he would get better.

Wrong.

It only escalated from there.

The pain only thickened. Along with my heart.

Resentment silently grew. My hatred increased. The blissfulness I once experienced, is shattered. And the climax of it all... was a single text.

One sentence ruined my beautiful family.

She was so good, I did it in the backseat of my truck.

Those words echoed in my head when I read the text I got from my father.

The same truck we took family trips on. The same truck that held many fond memories and smiles.

I could no longer ignore what was in front of me. I had to show my mom. I wanted it to all end. I had to do what was right.

But why was it so hard?

Why couldn’t I hand her my phone after she came home from work. Why was I so weak.

Why am I still protecting him?

What am I holding onto?

Was I really going to be the one who breaks my mom’s heart?

Why are my hands trembling? There’s a weight on my chest that seems like it’s slowly asphyxiating me.

Because I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown. All I ever knew was my family being together. No matter how broken it was.

In the end, I handed her my phone and showed her the text.

I saw the light die from my mother’s eyes.

In front of me was a strong women trying to hold her emotions inside of her. So that her eldest daughter didn’t see her break down.

Widening the hole inside of me that I never knew was there. Growing since this all began.

Were we not enough? Were you not happy with us? Did we do something to disappoint you?

Did you not think that your actions had consequence?

I felt the pain. No, wait. I feel the pain?

Seems like while being lost in thought, I had gone off the trail and ran into a tree.

Massaging my forehead, I quickly looked around. Where are they? I couldn’t lose sight of that family. I can’t lose them.

Panicking, I sprinted into a light jog. Hoping to catch sight of them.

Where are they? I can’t find them. Where‘s my sisters? My brother? I can’t find them. Everywhere I looked, they weren’t there. I won’t let this happen again. I just can’t.

It was getting hard to breath, no matter how fast I inhaled and exhaled. Why is my chest hurting? Why is pain the only thing I feel.

Suddenly, I was on the ground again. I had tripped, how embarrassing could I be.

Rolling over onto my back, I stared at the sky. The sun was about to set. It must be getting ready for bed. There was still a good hour of sunlight left though.

Oddly enough, I found solace in watching the colors of the sky change. Fascinating that Mother Earth could be so breathtaking.

In that very moment, I felt at peace.

I closed my eyes and listened to the serenade the birds were singing to me.

Almost as if they were saying to me that I wasn’t alone.

His precense enveloped me. Surrounding me in His warmth. I truly wasn’t alone.

In my darkest moments He comforted me. He’s always been there for me, I just never listened.

Tears rolled down, one after another. I didn’t dare to try and wipe them. I wanted this feeling to last forever.

I just let Him comfort me and carry all my worries away with the wind.

I smiled, a smile so faint, you could barely see it. But I felt it. I felt myself grinning ear to ear on the inside. Nothing could stop me.

Finally, I got up slowly. I wiped the remainder of my tears and made my way back to my car.

Enjoying the scenery of the trees swaying with the wind. I never truly realized how mesmerizing this park was.

Unlocking my car, I got in. Only glancing back once to see my past, disappearing, into the evening. Only this time, it wasn’t as painful. I could finally let go.