The star was there

There is a feeling that overwhelms a person when they think they are drowning, it is close to fear and even closer to pain but it is not quite defined as either of the two. It is more of a realization that in those few seconds they have a choice to make, to either hold their breath and try to swim to the surface, or to let it out and sink to the bottom of the sea however far away that may be.

It is a hard decision to make when you are grown and have a life of ups and downs to help you weigh your options, it is even harder a choice to make when you are young and have an empty future ahead of you. It is an odd thing that people often tell young people "You have a whole life ahead of you" like that is comforting. When people tell me that I only get a sinking feeling in my gut that tells me I have to fill in a whole lifetime of blank pages and I could hardly deal with today.

That I imagine is a similar feeling that overwhelmed Frida as she closed her eyes tightly trying to make her choice. But as the waves crashed overhead she could only ask herself one question, "Why should I live?" That is a very good question and one that she was forced to ask herself often, every day to be exact. Every morning when Frida opened her eyes and found she was still in her room alone, her alarm would buzz and force her to decide weather or not she should face her responsibilities and get out of bed or just stay there and finally breathe as everything around her fell apart.

"If I don't live today" she thought "life would still go on, wouldn't it? clocks would still turn and the sun will still rise. Mom will go to work, and the teachers at school won't miss me, because of the herd of students that will still march through the halls and try not to make eye contact with anyone they don't have to. If I don't live today, maybe tomorrow won't be so hard." But people seldom get what they wish for in their groggy morning dreams. So, Frida would turn off her alarm and get out of bed, deciding to live that day.

That was a split second decision, quite the one she needed to make as the water seemed to take her weight away and make her light upon the glossy waves, so the pressure that reminded her it is time to breathe became hard to take. Why of all days couldn't she decide this time, whether or not to live?

"Why should I swim to the surface?" she thought, "What is waiting for me? There are painful conversations that I have left unfinished that I do not want to face. There are burdens and arguments, people that depend on me only because I am around. There is the emptiness that is my future, all those blank pages I am supposed to fill in. I don't think I can."

In this second Frida was about to make her choice and in her passion she opened her eyes. There amongst her in the water was only cloudy bubbles and a strange sensation of resolve, but when she looked up she saw something. No, not just something she saw a star. That star was the brightest star she had ever seen, so bright she could see it passed the stormy water, she could see out of the fiery waves and into it's incandescent light.

That star, Frida had seen before. She had seen it on the night she got her telescope and sat on the roof with her father as he taught her how to use it. Frida could never forget the way it felt when he put his hand on her shoulder. His hand was so much bigger than her shoulder it made her feel warm, and after looking into her eyes for nearly all evening he gently moved her hair away from her face and said "You have your mother's eyes." Frida remember seeing that star when she first got her license and took her brother for a drive and as they sat on the torn leather of that old car passed down to Frida her little brother looked at her with a smile that made her, for the first time feel like she was his hero.

The star was there when Frida discovered Santa wasn't real, it watched as Frida gazed at her grandpa sneaking through the hall and pretending to cary a heavy bag hoping she might see and believe. Frida gazed at that star the last night she gazed at her dad, the last night she laughed with her little brother before going to college, the last time she kissed her first boyfriend. The star was there when Frida couldn't see it but needed someone to watch over her and guide her to making the right choice. The star was there when Frida cried, when she laughed, it was always there when she lived.

Suddenly Frida discovered she was breathing again, the cool evening breeze was chilling her neck and the beach was calling her to safety. Without thinking about why she shouldn't live, or why she should she swam to the surface and now with a peace that could only be described as wisdom Frida chose to live.

So, now she can be found with past that has been written and future that has been perused, a love that has been felt and a happiness that has been shared, and all she can do is look up at the star that was there when she needed it most. It glistens and shines just like stars are supposed and it teaches as well as guides all those who wonder, it never discriminates or confines a person to social delusions but challenges them instead. The world through this star is what the world through all beings eyes is, a wonder.