Goldilocks and the Three Judges

Goldilocks’ feet trampled barefoot across the wild, green grass as she hopped the pretty little stone wall and continued to run. She looked behind her. Three bears were sprinting after her, yelling and shaking their fists. That was her first mistake. Looking back. Because as she did so, she ran straight into a strange metal figure; she whipped her head around to see a handsome-looking man, with a dashing smile and jet-black hair. In fact, he was so handsome that Goldilocks would probably describe him as charming. Her heart skipped a beat as she realized who this man was. She quickly threw herself into a bow and muttered,

‘Good morning, er… your highness,’ the man smiled.

‘Why is such a young girl wandering around the woods by herself? There are wolves out here, you know? Why, my friend’s daughter was only just attacked by wolves, Red Riding Hood, that’s the one!’ Goldilocks was about to answer his question when a big, angry-looking bear pounded up beside her, followed by a child and another female bear,

‘This little brat broke into our house and ate our porridge!’ The big one growled, glaring at Goldilocks. Prince Charming raised his eyebrows.

‘Is that so?’ Goldilocks stared at her feet, her face burning with shame, ‘Well then, maybe you should tag along to Charming City, maybe the court will help you find your way, eh?’ Charming asked, clicking his fingers as two of the most ugly people Goldilocks had ever seen walked up and pushed the little girl towards one horse.

Isn’t she a little young to be taken into custody?’ The older one remarked.

‘No, Drizella! You’re completely right! But young people do a lot these days!’

“Oh Anastasia you so right! How did mother put up with our brains and our fabulous looks?”

Goldilocks hauled herself up onto the white horse and grabbed hold of the reins,

‘Ah, ah ah! You didn’t think you’d be riding by yourself, did you?’ A voice came from behind her. She turned around to see a knight standing there, his arms were crossed and he looked impatient. She let him take the reins and with that, they set off towards the intimidating skyline that loomed in the distance.

They had been going for what seemed like ages when finally they reached the entrance to Charming City. The bumpy cobble road gave Goldilocks a sore back. She wanted to complain and tell them how tired she was, but she knew where she was going. And she knew how stupid it would be if she piped up now.

‘Here we are! Charming court!’ One knight announced.

Goldilocks also wanted to ask why everything was named after Charming, but she kept her mouth shut and got off the horse, following Prince Charming into the modern-looking building made completely out of glass. Following the knights along the twisting corridors, she reached a wooden door labelled the courtroom. She took a long, shaky breath as Prince Charming pushed open the doors. She took a look around, taking in everything from its intimidating atmosphere, to it’s church-shaped perimeter. It had grey walls and steel benches and at the front of the room were three tall chairs. Two of these chairs were filled; in the chair to the right sat a brilliant white horse with its hair neatly combed and a shiny silver name tag that read Maximus: From Rapunzels story . Goldilocks remembered him from the news. He had saved the princess with long golden hair. Sitting in the middle seat was a small red crab. He was sitting on a clam-shaped throne and was looking extremely happy with himself, he too wore a name tag, this one saying Sebastian: from Ariels story. But the thing that caught Goldilocks attention the most was the three angry-looking bears sitting in a full-force argument with each other. Goldilocks gulped and looked back at Prince Charming. He looked smug, like he had just achieved something incredibly hard to achieve.

‘Well! I think it’s about time we start! Is everybody here?’ Sebastian announced, and Goldilocks smiled at the Jamaican accent. He cleared his throat.

‘The bear family?’ His question was followed by the three agitated ‘Here’s!” from the bear family.

‘Brenda?’ She hated being called by her real name. Goldilocks suited her so much more than ‘Brenda’ Yet still, she cleared her throat and shouted, ‘Here!’

‘Sebastian? Here, of course, Humpty Dumpty?’

‘Here!’ An egg-shaped figure emerged from the shadows and waved at Goldilocks, then rushed over to shake her hand.

‘Hi there!’ I’ll be your lawyer today. No need to fret,

With skills and knowledge, I’ll place my bet.

This case won’t crack, I promise you that,

Like my head, it’s sturdy—not flat!’ He chimed. Goldilocks took a step back, unsure of what to say next.

‘No more just sitting on walls all alone,

Today I’ve got purpose, and my skills have grown.

With porridge and chairs, and lengths of each bed,

I’ll help you find comfort, just like I said!’

‘Thank you’ smiled Goldilocks as she walked towards the seat that sat in front of all three judges.

“Sneezy?” Sebastian continued, looking around for Sneezy, and, out from the shadows emerged a small man with an extremely red nose,

“He-AHCHOO!!!” He sneezed, wiping his nose with a red handkerchief.

“Grumpy?” There was a long silence and Sebastian rolled his eyes and muttered something to himself, Goldilocks looked around for someone who might be a Grumpy but there was no sign of anyone,

“Typical! Alright, I guess we’ll start without him!” Sebastian announced, “Pascal? You recording?” He pointed his attention to Maximus, and Goldilocks was confused for a moment before noticing the chameleon that sat on the horse’s head, he wore a name tag saying Pascal: From Rapunzels story. He sat with a typewriter balancing on Maximus’s head, he signalled a thumbs up and began clicking on his little dashboard of letters.

Once everyone had sat down, Sebastian spoke.

‘First, what was a girl like this doing in the woods all alone at such an hour?’ He asked, clearly addressing Humpty Dumpty. He stood up and took out an egg-shaped clipboard,

‘She wandered the woods, just a girl in her prime,

Not a thief or a villain, just lost in the rhyme.

The bears had their porridge, but she meant no harm,

Exploring a cottage with an innocent charm.’

There was an awkward silence, and Goldilocks was trying hard not to burst into laughter. Sebastian coughed.

‘Well, thank you for that . . . interesting piece Humpty,’ He looked around awkwardly. ‘So… Eh, would anybody like to add to that?’

There was a moment of silence, and then, out of nowhere, an angry voice started shouting from the far back of the room. Once the person came into view, Goldilocks could see that it was a small little person who had a bushy white beard, a long brown hat, and a red waistcoat. A tattered brown case was held with his hand in a white-knuckled grip. He had a name tag stuck to his chest saying Grumpy: from snow whites story

‘Come on! Move out of the way, ya lazy bums!’ shouted the small, little man.

Then suddenly, the shouting stopped and the little old man turned and faced Goldilocks, his face softened and he managed a smile.

“Now who is this fine lady?” He asked, reaching out to touch her hair has if he was in a trans,

“So if you’re a prince or a bear in disguise,

Know that Goldilocks is not looking for ties.

She savoured her porridge and the soft, comfy prize,

But love is a mystery; she seeks to rise!” Humpty cut in, just has Goldilocks was about to answer the strange man’s question, she glared at Humpty, and so did the man, his smile was completely faded and he looked like he was about to crack open Humpty’s head - literally.

“Well! Since this young girl is clearly unable to answer for herself I suppose she’ll need a lawyer? I would be happy to help! Considering . .” He reached out and stroked her face, she slapped him away. Sebastian rolled his eyes,

“Grumpy! Your a judge! Not a lawyer! And your well late! We’ve already started!” With that Grumpy trudged over to his seat and plonked himself with an additional grunt.

“ARGHHHHHHH!!!!” The roar came from the other side of the room, Goldilocks whipped her head around to see Big Bear slamming his fist against the table,

“Er . . Can I help you?” Sebastian asked, furrowing his brow.

“THIS CASE IS NOT BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY!! MY FAMILY HAVE BEEN ROBBED AND ALL YOUR DOING IS ASKING SIR. RHYMES-A-LOT WHY SHE WAS THERE!!” He roared, picking up the chair he was sitting on and throwing it towards the three judges, “HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN I BREAK YOUR CHAIRS!!” The chair smashed all over the floor, splinters flying everywhere has the loud smashing noise filled the room. That’s what set Grumpy off, he jumped up from his seat, picking up a particularly sharp shard of wood and springing toward the enraged bear,

“How DARE you insult me and my peers!!” But he didn’t get farther than that because at that moment the two ugly girls Goldilocks had seen earlier marched into the room, for the first time Goldilocks noticed their name tags, the older looking one wore one saying Anastasia: Cinderella’s story while the other one wore one saying Drizzella: Cinderella’s story. They picked the bear up has if he were a bag of flour and chucked out the door, dusting their hands off has they closed the doors behind them.

Goldilocks was starting to get tired of all the questions that were being thrown at her. She had given up with trying to make sense of Humpty’s rhymes and had decided just to answer the questions herself. She was not a good lawyer and Humpty was looking upset that he had been fired.

“So, you admit that you went into the Bears house with out permission?” Sebastian asked,

“Er . . . Well, yes but-” She began, but Mommy Bear cut in,

“AH HA! She admits it! Just go ahead and arrest her for gods sake!”

“And you admit that you ate the Bears food and broke a possession of theirs?” Sebastian pressed, ignoring Mommy Bear, Goldilocks face went red,

“It was by accident!” She argued, not liking how this was all unfolding, it didn’t look like Grumpy was either,

“Oh for god’s sake! She’s only a child, and she didn’t mean to! Besides, look at her, she is too beautiful to arrest!” He yelled, which earned an epic eye roll from Maximus, Sebastian sighed.

“No, you - AHCHOO!” Sneezy cut in, but everyone ignored him because his sentence was illegible.

“Well, I suppose you’re right, Grumpy! The evidence is clear. Brenda! We’re here by declaring you innoc-”

“WAAAIIITTT!!” A yell came from the back of the room as the doors banged open and in walked five serious-looking wolves. They wore jet-black tuxedos with matching red ties. Their hair was neatly combed back, and they each held a fresh-looking briefcase. Goldilocks had to squint to see their name tags but could make out the words. Most of them read, Member of the Big Bad Wolf Gang: Little Red Riding Hood’s Story, but what Goldilocks assumed was the leader had one that said Big Bad Wolf: Little Red Riding Hood’s story.

Sebastian was getting annoyed.

“Who are you? And why are you interrupting this case? Can’t you see we’re busy?” He demanded, scratching his crab claw against the back of his head. Grumpy was nodding away, clearly enraged at the disturbance. The Big Bad Wolf cleared his throat.

Our intention is peaceful, but we were eager to help our dear bear family. While we were hunting in the forest with all the permission slips, we came across a young girl wandering around by herself this morning. We followed her- and not because we were hungry or anything. We followed her to our dear friend Bear’s house. That’s why we were so surprised to see her wander in. So you see, your honour, this girl is as guilty as charged!”

“ABSOLUTE CODSWALLOP!” Demanded Grumpy, his foot pounding the ground.”

As everyone’s eyes turned towards him, his face flushed crimson, but a smug grin soon spread across his features.

“Fine then. If you saw her in the forest, you’ll remember what she was wearing!” Goldilocks frowned, not sure what Grumpy was getting at. But she realised with a pang that wolves were colour blind. There was no way he would know what colour she was wearing. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of the Big Bad Wolf’s head.

“Eh… She was wearing…” He looked around as if trying to find a clue to what she was wearing “A purple T-shirt! Kids love purple, don’t they?” He said, turning to his pack. They nodded in encouragement, a few even offering a thumbs up.

“WRONG! She was wearing a green T-shirt! So clearly you are all liars, right, Sebastian?” Grumpy blurted. Sebastian narrowed his eyes.

“Hmm… I know exactly how to find out! Pascal?” Pascal nodded and typed up a few things on his typewriter. There was a quick pinging sound. The doors opened behind them and in walked the strangest-looking boy Goldilocks had ever seen. He was short and skinny, and the way he moved looked stiff. Goldilocks couldn’t figure out why until she inspected and realised he was completely made of wood. His name tag read Pinocchio. Goldilocks raised her eyebrows. He was the last person she had expected to see today.

“What am I needed for, your honour?” He asked in his squeaky, girl-like voice,

“Pinocchio! My boy! Can you repeat after me? We need to test out this little lie problem.” Grumpy jumped in. He had a glint in his eye, and Goldilocks suspected he had another plan.

“Sure!” Pinocchio shrugged.

“OK! Brenda was not not not not not not not not not in the woods today!” Grumpy chirped, Goldilocks slapped the palm of her hand against her face, there was no way that this was going to work.

“Ok! Brenda was not not not not not not not not not in the woods today!” There was suspense as everyone waited for his nose to grow, but it didn’t. But Sebastian seemed to fall for the trick. He raised his gavel and was about to bang it on the table and declare Goldilocks innocent when Baby bear cut in,

“NO! THIS ISN’T FAY-ERRRRRR!!!” He started to cry,

“He’s right! well! I have some secretes that I would like to spill against Goldilocks” He mimicked, Sebastian raised his eyebrows,

“This’ll be interesting! What do you got?” He asked, leaning in forward to hear better. The Big Bad Wolf smiled,

“This girl is a liar! You all know her has the beautiful girl with golden hair right?” He asked, and Goldilocks breath caught in her throat, Grumpy nodded approvingly, “Well! The truth is she’s not even blonde! We can smell the hair dye from here, so don’t go making excuses!” He warned, pointing a clawed finger at Goldilocks,

“Pfft! What a joke!” Grumpy remarked, The Big Bad Wolf whipped around to face him,

“You don’t believe me? FINE! I’ll just prove it myself then!” He turned to Pinochio,

“Repeat after me! The Big Bad Wolf can smell the hair dye from here!” He ordered

“The Big Bad Wolf can smell the hair dye from here!” Pinochio repeated, and again, there was suspense has every one waited for his nose to start growing, but it didn’t. Goldilocks winced, she knew she was bound to have been found out eventually. Grumpy frowned,

“Arrest this girl! She’s a fraud!” He ordered, Baby bear stopped crying and did a little victory dance,

“Yes! Mommy Bear! We did it!” He yelled. Sebastian raised his gavel and slammed it against the table.

“Brenda, because of fraud and breaking and entering, you are sentenced to two years of housekeeping in the three little pig’s houses! Case closed!” He bellowed, snapping his claws as the Ugly step sisters strode in and dragged her away.

Ever since that day Goldilocks has been scrubbing and cleaning the pig’s houses, along with warding unwanted wolves off.

The End