Eureka

Write your story about a magical potion which may or may not work.

           Eureka! I found it. The wait time is two hours for every other medication, but I found the magical potion or color or music or something. See the second chakra's color is orange, so I had the person soak in orange colored light while listening to a D note on a piano. A long D note. Then, I put a D pitch fork by the organ and it worked. . . Well, it worked in 65 % of the patients. But I have to specify other ways and isolate the therapy. Maybe do a double-blind controlled sham test study. But, the results should be obvious without a controlled study. But, most people know foods like oysters, caucamole, coffee, etc, have the same effect, so we'd have to keep their diets the same. Say goodbye to Cialis. That could be our slogan, if it works.          

           Then, someone calls me and asks one of the questions I'd been avoiding. If it works for my husband, could it work for me? I have these problems, too. I don't know. But I tell her we can try it and I explain the process and tell her we can have a woman nurse present if it makes her more comfortable, but she's comforable with her body and says it's unnecessary. I watch as she takes her red Nike shoes off, followed by her socks and I remain professional as she unrobes. There are stretch marks on her legs and varicose veins, but I get a semi-erection. I turn on the orange light and point it there, play the note D, and use the pitch fork. She asks how many sessions this takes and I explain it works starting the first session. Each session lasts 30 minutes. Then, though, she's sitting, bored, and then the timer goes off and I tell her it's the end of the session and say it's ok to redress and she does. Not it a hurry, just normal. I ask her, with bedside manner, if she notices any improvements. She pauses, thinks about it, and says, “Actually, I feel less horny than when I came in here.” 

           I apologize and ask if she needs a refund, which she doesn't. Maybe she's an odd case or maybe . . . scientists know that men tend to be more active in the morning and women tend to be more active at night. That's why men get morning wood and women don't. So, maybe, if another woman asks, if I schedule them later in the day it would be more effective. I explain this to the woman in front of me and she says she'll give it another shot. 

*

           We do this again. She undresses; taking off her shoes, her socks, pants, and beige underwear. I do the same therapy and she says it's the same thing. She feels less horny than when she came in, again. Maybe I'm pointing the light and tuning fork at the wrong place? That's impossible. They're pointed at the entire area. Then, I start to think and decide to place an ad in the Sunday paper. I get many phone calls at all hours. I set up appointments and try the therapy at different times, with different ages, different races, and the result is the same. Every woman feels less horny after the therapy than before. Great. I can market this to drunk women at bars so they won't sleep with someone and regret it the next day. The thing is, though, the men coming to my practice are still getting good results. Their wives are happy with their performance. Why won't it work with women then? Maybe because of where they are in their cycle? But all the women had the same results even though they were in different times in their cycle. I don't understand. 

           Then, I think, maybe women need different color than men. I could try green, yellow. You get the picture. So, I make purchaces of gels and try it and get the same results. I try different wattages of bulbs. Same results. So, I put up a sign on my door that says “Probably not effective for women” and tell the executive assistant to tell callers the same thing. 

           Then, it happens. After five months, a place opens nearby with the same product I have, or I should say, a similar product, but it's for women and with a sign that says, “Probably not effective for men”. But, what could it be. I'm married, so I ask my wife to check it out for me and of course, give her the money for it. 

           So, she goes and comes back after an hour and she says she feels horny and we start kissing and making out, but then I stop her and ask what they did in the therapy. She's dumbfounded. Her green eyes are blank, her lipsticked mouth agape. Then she says, “They listened.” Then I was dumbfounded. “What do you mean they listened? Were there red lights, tuning forks, what note was played? What happened?” And my wife said, “Tuning fork? Lights? No. Why would they use red lights? No, she just listened to me, but more than listened. See, when we have conversations, I talk, but even though you don't talk when I talk, you don't listen either. Or don't actively listen. You nod and keep saying what you want to say, but she listens to her patients and it arouses her patience, including me. I sighed. Doesn't make sense. Maybe she's pulling my leg. Maybe she doesn't want me to steal this person's secret, so I try again. “Please, honey, you don't have to keep it from me. What kind of lights did they use? How big were the tuning forks? What did you hear?” “No. See, that's it. You're not listening. She didn't do any of that. She just listened. Just listened.

           So, we tried an exercise. I'd say a sentence and she'd repeat it and she'd say a sentence and I'd repeat it. But, it still didn't work because of the underlying meaning or the tone of the sentence. Like great idea can mean great idea or horrible idea depending on the tone of voice. I can't understand her underlying meaning. But, she understood the underlying meaning of everything I said. 

           But why? Then, I thought of something. If red light, tuners, and music worked for men, maybe talking could work for men, too. So I tried it as an alternative. All that happened is no one said anything. I was silent, so I could listen, and the other man was uncomfortable, every time. Besides which, no one had any positive side effects in the bedroom with this therapy. Then, I thought, maybe I could open a dual practice treating men with red lights, tuning forks, and notes and women with listening, but when I tried this the women said I wasn't listening, or rather, really listening and their symptoms weren't improving. Ce La Ve.