The Great Pie Incident

Lacking a single crumb of self-control, Chloe picked up the bowl of fruit loops offered to her and threw it as hard as possible at Fred’s stupid face. She was neither strong nor had particularly good aim, so the bowl went over Fred’s head by a good margin and shattered against the back white wall of the rented two-bedroom apartment. Milk and fruit loops went everywhere and left a rainbow splatter on the kitchen wall. Chloe briefly registered that she had in fact smashed to pieces her favorite white bone china bowl from Crate & Barrel. Before she could fully mourn the loss of her beloved over-priced bowl though, she noticed the alarming look in Fred’s dark blue eyes. She had seen this look a couple times before and both times it had scared the hell out of her. Once, a year previous, when she had questioned him about an inappropriate voicemail his female coworker had left; and again, when he had lost his job for continuously showing up to work late. Despite the severe trouble he had gotten in for his sleeping habits, and even multiple jobs lost, he could never manage to peel himself out of bed before noon. His eyes squinted threateningly, and she knew she had to make a run for it. She sprinted for the bedroom with Fred running behind her and marginally slammed the door shut before he could catch her. She locked and barricaded the door in a frenzy with whatever she could find, a chair, the ottoman from the foot of the bed, and ironically, a giant teddy bear Fred had given her the night before for her birthday. Fred pounded at the door slamming his fists. She was relieved that Fred had never been good at picking locks. While he had never hurt her before, in this moment, she felt like it was a very real possibility. She hoped he would tire himself out eventually and calm down.

Fred’s father, Mr. Pie Man himself, was famous for his triple cherry berry pie. As a member of a singles group for divorcees, he had auctioned off this famous pie at fundraisers netting as much as $300 for a single pie. When he had graciously asked Chloe what she wanted for her upcoming birthday she gave the only answer she could, one whole triple cherry berry pie, she thought it would be rude to ask for two.

Fred was supposed to pick her up that evening at 5:00 pm to take her to dinner out with his father and brother but had shown up at nearly 8:00 pm. She was livid that he was late to her birthday and always thought about how if they married one day, he would surely be late to that as well. “Sorry, I was late to work today and had to stay late to make it up” Fred explained. Over the last five years, Chloe had heard this excuse tireless times and on more than one special occasion. In the passenger seat of his Toyota Corolla, he had a large pink teddy bear with a bow on its head. “Who is this cutie?” asked Chloe. “An apology gift”, smirked Fred. Oh, how quickly her birthday gift had turned into an apology gift. Fred’s family was used to his tardiness, so they did not say much when they arrived three hours late to a local pizza joint. This would not have been Chloe’s first, second or third choice for a birthday restaurant but she didn’t mind because she knew what she had waiting for her afterwards. Following three whole pizzas and a couple rounds of drinks, Mr. Pie Man brought out her birthday gift she had been so excited for, the triple cherry berry pie shined like a beacon. He proceeded to offer her a single piece, as well as one for himself, Fred and Fred’s brother, Mike. The pie was nothing short of spectacular. She had tried and failed to get the secret recipe on more than one occasion. The three large men went on to have seconds and before she knew it there was only a single piece left.

As she clenched the single piece of leftover pie covered in foil wrap, Fred comforted her that she did at least have an extra slice. She shared her plans of devouring the piece of pie the second they got back to their apartment while watching the latest episode of The Bachelor that awaited her on the DVR. Fred somehow talked her into waiting for the next morning and explained how much more she would enjoy it when she wasn’t full to the brim of pizza. Chloe went to bed dreaming of the pie that awaited her in the morning.

Chloe never understood morning people. Getting out of your warm bed sheets and fluffy duvet to put your feet on the cold floor lacked any appeal to her. However, this morning was different. It was the morning after her birthday and through great effort, she had saved a piece of leftover pie to have as a breakfast treat. Not just any piece of pie, mind you. No—this was triple cherry berry pie! She made her way into the kitchen with a little extra pep in her step and noticed Fred at the kitchen table having breakfast. What the hell? If Chloe wasn’t a morning person, Fred didn’t even know what a morning was. She was so use to him staying in bed long after her that she hadn’t noticed he wasn’t there this morning. What the hell was he doing awake at 8am on a Saturday? “Good morning”, Fred garbled with his mouth entirely full. Chloe rubbed the drowsy out of her eyes and did a double-take. “Why are you up—wait is that my freaking birthday pie?!?!?!” Fred gave an innocent smile with triple cherry berry evidence all over his face. “Well you see…” he began “I cut just a teeny tiny piece off, then it was uneven, so I had to even it out… then it was kind of a point of no return. But hey, let me make you breakfast”. Chloe noted that nowhere in that pathetic excuse for an explanation was there actually an apology. Fred grabbed Chloe’s favorite Crate and Barrel bowl that she had gotten from her brother for Christmas out of the cabinet and unceremoniously dumped in some fruit loops and a splash of milk. He handed her the bowl of cereal with a sheepish grin. Chloe saw red. Fred never, literally never woke up early. He hadn’t been able to wake up when the most important things were on the line so why could he to spitefully eat her birthday pie? Chloe preferred cornflakes to fruit loops, something he would know if they had ever shared breakfast in the past five years. On top of all of that, Fred had been the one to recommend that she save that last piece of her special birthday pie as a morning treat. She locked eyes with Fred. This was no accident. No. This had been a carefully orchestrated plan. This was premeditated pie thievery!

“Open this door right now or I’m going to break it down! Look, I just want to talk to you”. She believed parts of that statement. He would surely beat down the door or bloody his fists trying, but she doubted he only wanted to calmly talk to her. She trembled slightly in fear and wondered how her relationship had derailed to this point. She was in a toxic relationship. It hadn’t always been like this, she remembered so many wonderful times. They were once a couple anybody would be envious of; picture-perfect and happy. For their two-year anniversary, Fred had made her an entire multi-stepped treasure hunt filled with clues guiding her towards an anniversary gift, a trip to Disney World. All the clues were made up of little rhyming poems and were attached to various pictures of the couple scattered around the apartment. The same apartment where she had just thrown a hard bowl at her boyfriend’s head. This violent behavior had not started out of nowhere, it had been building for quite some time if she thought about it. First, a half-hearted throw of her University of Maryland mascot pillow pet, later a remote control at the TV, which luckily, she had missed then too. She had become a thrower of objects. She felt like a she-hulk with rage issues. She didn’t know exactly when it happened but the aggressive gestures and actions between them had become common place. And now she found herself crying and barricading herself because of a piece of triple cherry berry pie. This was not how healthy relationships functioned, she didn’t remember what a healthy relationship looked like anymore, but this wasn’t it. The pie was amazingly delicious, but the derailment of the relationship had begun long before this triple cherry berry pie betrayal.

The hours passed and Chloe decided to poke her head out of the room. She saw Fred slumped over with glassy eyes. “I shouldn’t have eaten the pie” he said with a melancholy tone. She realized she didn’t actually care about the pie, at least not nearly as much as about her crumbling relationship. “I can’t do this anymore” she said dejectedly. “I promise I won’t eat your pie next time” he added. “No, it’s not about the dang pie. I can’t be in this toxic destructive relationship where we both cross lines. I don’t even know what’s normal behavior anymore. I threw a bowl at your head… and if I’m being honest, I hoped it would hit you” admitted Chloe. “Luckily, your aim sucks as much as ever” Fred laughed, and if only because of sheer emotional exhaustion, Chloe joined his laughter and slid down to the floor beside him. They stayed up until the late hours discussing the details and logistics of their impending break-up but mostly reminiscing about their relationship, the good, the bad, and the triple cherry berry pie.