Welcome Me to You

I embrace the hot soapy water that runs down my body as my mind ponders this evenings upcoming events. As my skin reddens and burns, all my trepidations remain smoldering in my frontal lobe. I try to allow my old skin to wash itself away so my new skin can emerge and shine through. Like tumbling a precious gem, it must be done right, in a slow methodical technique. If done incorrectly, you can damage the gem. I don’t think I could be any more damaged than I’ve already felt over the last 10 years. This lifelong desire of mine has been simmering like a Sunday roast. It’s now or never because I feel like my roast is drying up and starting to crust over and stick to the edges. I cannot be stuck like this. This revelation scene has played out numerous times in my thoughts and every time, there is a new horrific ending. I think of who will be there to witness my unveiling. Naturally, Jordan will be there. Will this scare him? I dream that it will excite him. My brain is swirling from multiple different outcomes, I cannot be sure of anything today.  I reach up to grab my razor and begin shaving my legs. I slowly glide the blade up my shin as I was taught. A beautiful smooth strip of skin emerges through the thick white shaving cream, and it brings an innocent smile to my lips. I continue this careful attention with the rest of my leg. Although I felt nothing, a tiny red bead of blood appears on my bony knee. Sometimes life does that to us. It creates damage when we think we are most careful, and we do not notice until the ramifications surface. My fingertip wipes it away as I learn how to wipe away each of my anxieties for this evening. 

I remember the first time I met Jordan. We were playing basketball during recess in grade school and he was the new kid. He stood at the edge of the court mindlessly kicking at rocks. His dirty shoelace was trailing behind. He looked so lonely. He didn’t possess the confidence or social depth to jump in and play like I would have. His deep sad eyes broke my heart and the words, “come play with us,” involuntarily shouted from my mouth.  I was the only one that gave him a chance and we’ve been inseparable ever since. His soft impression that was left on my heart encourages my big move for tonight. I hold tight to this memory as to not lose sight of where I’m hoping this will take me. I feel like I’m standing in front of an open door to a plane, ready to jump out for the free fall. Fear and exhilaration rush over me once again.

I finish my shower and my feet welcomes the soft plush of the bathmat as I step out of my grey tiled shower. The steam engulfs me as I reach up to smear the fog from the mirror. My reflection still shocks me. It’s never felt right. I rest my hands on the vanity top and stare a little longer. A sigh escapes my lungs and I shake my head. I will not be looking at this face in the same manner again. The heat of the excitement runs through my veins and my face flushes with anticipation. I forgo wrapping myself in my golden leopard print robe and prance out to the adjoining bedroom, becoming more relaxed in my new skin. I sit down on the dressing stool and breathe in the scent of the expensive floral lotion I recently bought, and I work it into my dermis and immediately feel its nourishment. I begin to feel more rough layers of my hardened shell melt away. 

I begin to pick through the new clothing in my closet. My favorite downtown boutique delivered my online purchases straight to my penthouse apartment in unmarked garment bags of course. The silk blouses, skirts, and slim fitting sweaters on display for my viewing and choosing.  It was a difficult and limited task to find beautiful pumps for my size 10.5 feet, but I accomplished it. The simple yet sexy black heels are lined up next to my clothes.  I ultimately choose a lined halter neckline dress with relaxed mid length skirting, open back, and deep red rayon fabric. A loud statement piece for my grand entrance.

I sit down at my vanity bar and scan over the palettes of eye colors, bronzes, and highlighters. I’ve watched countless make-up tutorials and practiced more times than a group of giddy teenage girls. I define my lips with a plumping liner, and I find my confidence as I apply a chunky cherry moisturizing balm. I pucker my lips at my reflection and smile as I feel another piece of my shell start to crack from my existence.

Today is the day. It’s not every day that your twin brother gets married. The mystery of why I chose this day for my ultimate reveal will remain buried deep inside me. It doesn’t matter. A blanket of peace rested over me once I made that decision.  The heaviness I’ve felt in my heart for over a decade has aged me. I need to shed this lie from my soul like peeling away the nasty dry onion peel that covers itself from its true richness and throw it right in the trash. My brother will be stepping into his new future today and so will I. I long to feel the lightness that I imagine other people feel without the weight of  heavy chains hooked around their ankles. I want to know how it feels to wake up in the morning and feel comfortable with my path and purpose.  I’ve been adrift in a dark dense fog and right now I finally see the sun rising and casting a new light on everything we all thought was real.  

I spray a generous amount of perfume on my neck and wrists. I smooth my humble hair in preparation for its covering. I walk over to the stand in which my platinum blonde wig is resting. I carefully place her on my head and adjust it accordingly. I slip into my beautiful dress and immediately I am invigorated by the way the fabric feels on my skin. I step into my heels and take a couple turns in the mirror. I smooth my hands down the front and anticipate one last time how they will receive me. There’s no turning back now.  I’m betting on my parents’ preoccupation and excitement with my brother’s nuptials to pave a way for me. I don’t mean to upstage or God forbid spoil his wedding day, but I’ve got news to share and I intend to share it. 

My eyes slide over to the nightstand that holds an old family picture of the four of us. My lovely southern Baptist parents…..and their twin boys.  As our family is about to erupt into a whole new creation today, I will cherish the original family structure we started with. Today I hang up my hat as a man and step out into the spotlight as a woman. I don’t dare turn around for a final look as I might turn into a pillar of salt. I march towards the door and reach for the knob. I close my eyes and take a final breath. Here I am world. Welcome me to you.