A Train Bound for Nowhere

         A Train Bound for Nowhere

   Charlie Malone let out a sigh. He was packed and ready to travel. The destination, however, had him filled with dread. Spending three days at his brother’s house in Idaho was not going to be easy. First, his home was miles away from any major town. Charlie knew that boredom would overcome him within thirty minutes.

   However, the bigger problem was Ralph. The two siblings had never gotten along. Ralph was the older of the two and he resented having a baby brother almost from the start. Since Charlie was only three years younger, the loathing had a long time to intensify. Ralph moved out of the house the day after he finished high school.

   He knew the get-together plan his parents set forth made sense. Ralph lived in between his brother and his parents. Charlie would be taking an Amtrak train out of Minneapolis since he didn‘t own a car. Sam and Diane were driving from Seattle. They would pick him up at the station in Sandpoint, Idaho, and then travel north past Bonner’s Ferry to Ralph’s place.

   Not only was Ralph living between the two locations, but his house also had a guest room for his parents to stay in. Charlie lived in a one-bedroom apartment and everyone would have had to stay in a hotel. Of course, that still left the question of where Charlie would sleep. He couldn’t picture staying in the same house with Ralph. Not with the animosity that had been between them all these years. How long has it been? he thought to himself. Twenty years since Ralph left home?

   He was looking out the window of the second story, watching for his ride. Wanda was a co-worker and she often gave him rides to the Mayo clinic for his appointments. She pulled into the parking lot and Charlie sent an “on my way” text, threw on his backpack, and grabbed the handle of his suitcase. They made it to the station with plenty of time to spare.

   “Have a wonderful time!” Wanda said before pulling away.

   Not likely. Charlie thought to himself.

   As he loaded his things on the train, he started having second thoughts again about this mode of travel. The first time was when they told him the length of the trip. Over a day? he exclaimed to himself. Still, the little boy in him that had always been fascinated by trains wouldn’t let the opportunity slip by. After all, no one he knew had ever ridden on a train.

   Much to his dismay, the trip was less exciting than he had envisioned. The daylight hours were spent traversing miles and miles of farmland through Minnesota and South Dakota. By the time they reached the Black Hills, night had fallen and he wasn’t able to see them. Even so, the sleeper car he booked was very comfortable and he was able to get some sleep.

   He awoke to find bright light flooding his compartment. Holding a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes, he still had to squint until they adjusted. What he saw made his mind travel back in time. He had forgotten how much he liked mountains. Suddenly, he was seven years old again, hiking with his parents. Exercise was a part of his therapy and he enjoyed their trail adventures. They taught him about the different trees they passed and helped him to recognize the calls of birds that they heard. How did I become a city slicker? he wondered.

   Charlie spent the few hours after breakfast doing some exercises and then looking out at the mountains again. Even though the trip was long, he decided that it was worth it. The blueness of the sky was so much more intense here…even brighter than the hues of a bluebird or a jay. Before he knew it, the train pulled into Sandpoint. Looking out the window once last time, he saw his parents scanning the train to find him. He collected his things and walked out to meet them.

   “Charlie! There you are!” Diane shouted when she saw her son. She ran over and hugged him.

   As he looked down at the top of her head he remarked, “You haven’t gotten any taller I see.”

   She pulled back and smacked him on the arm as Sam laughed.

   “I can still make you move,” she said as she grabbed his ear and pulled him towards the van.

   “Ow! Okay, I’m moving!” Charlie yelped.

   “How was the train ride?” Diane asked on the way to Ralph’s.

   “It was okay,” Charlie replied, “It wasn’t very scenic yesterday, but today was better. I miss the mountains.”

   “Did you leave your bike at the station?” she continued.

   “No, I didn’t want to leave it there. Wanda drove me.”

   The surprise was clearly evident as she questioned, “Wanda?”

   “Mom, don’t start listening for wedding bells. She’s almost as old as you. Her children don’t live close by so she has a lot of spare time.”

   “I’m not giving up hope.”

   Charlie was thankful the turn for Ralph’s house came which prevented any further questions on that subject. He knew that she wanted grandchildren but that was the last thing he wanted.

   Sam drove slowly down the long lane and pulled in beside an SUV in the driveway. Charlie was busy identifying the trees as they went.

   Western Red Cedar. Douglas Fir. Aspen. They all came flooding back into his mind.

   They pulled to a stop and Ralph came running out to greet them.

   “You can put your things in the other room, Charlie,” Ralph said as he carried his parents’ things into the guest room, “You’ll be sleeping in there.”

   After a quick lunch featuring deer stew, Ralph showed his family around the “neighborhood”, including a short auto tour of the Kootenai National Wildlife Refuge. Charlie couldn’t help but be impressed. Once again, he was flashing back to his youth, remembering the wildlife that they used to see on their hikes. Then he remembered that Ralph never came with them on those treks.

   Why does he hate me? What did I do to him? Charlie thought. Is this just another of Mom’s attempts to end the hostilities?

   When they arrived back at the cabin, Ralph started to prepare supper for them. He grilled some elk steaks and served them with tossed salad. “I have some rainbow trout to fix for tomorrow’s supper. I hope that works with your diet, Charlie. If there‘s anything else that you need, let me know and I‘ll run to the store.”

   “Thanks, Ralph. I’ll take a look and see what you have. I brought along some of my nutrition items,” Charlie replied.

   “And your medicines, I hope,” his mother added.

   The rest of the night was filled with conversation about how each of them was doing. When at last, they were having trouble keeping their eyes open, Ralph sent them off to bed.

   “Where are you going to sleep, Ralph?” Charlie inquired.

   “I have a tent set up in the backyard. Sometimes I lay down out there to look at the stars and fall asleep. It’s not five-star hotel sleeping, but it is peaceful…at least when it’s not mosquito season. Even then, I can zip it up and look out through the clear plastic window in the top.”

   At first, Charlie felt guilty that his brother had to sleep in a tent. The more he thought about it though, the more appealing the idea sounded to him. It had been too many years since he last camped out.

   The next morning, Ralph fixed scrambled eggs and wild boar sausage that he had gotten from a friend. After the dishes were done, Charlie decided to find out what the gathering was about.

   “So, Mom, why did you want us to get together?”

   “Actually, Charlie,” Ralph interjected, “I have something to say.”

   Things were quiet for a few seconds before he continued.

   “I know that things haven’t been good between us and I just want to say that I’m sorry. I wasn’t a good brother to you and it’s always been easy to just let things go the way they were. I got used to being alone.”

   His voice starts to quiver as he goes on. “For three years it was just me. Then you came along and that changed. Suddenly, it was all about you. You needed most of the attention. It was you, you, you. I couldn’t deal with it at that age. So I learned to entertain myself. Then, by the time you were old enough to do things with, I didn’t want you around.”

   “I didn’t ask to be born with cystic fibrosis,” Charlie said.

   “I know you didn’t, but you had it and it took all of Mom’s time. Every time you coughed she would run over to you, worried about your health. It didn’t matter that I was in the midst of showing her something or asking about school work. You took priority.”

   “Yeah, for everyone except you!” Charlie said, angrily. “You wouldn’t give me the time of day. I was invisible to you. How do you think that made me feel?”

   “I’m trying to apologize!” Ralph yelled back, “Do you know how hard this is for me?”

   “What, to give me another fake apology like Mom used to make you give me?”

   “Boys! Calm down, please!” Diane pleaded.

   “I should have known this was a dumb idea!” Ralph said, before storming out of the cabin.

   “Couldn’t you at least listen to what he had to say, Charlie?” Diane asked.

   “I’ve heard it all before. He doesn’t mean any of that. It’s all empty talk. I’m going out for a walk.”

               < < < * * * > > >

   Sam walked out and circled the cabin. He stopped when he got to the tent in the backyard.

   “Ralph? Are you in there?”

   “Yeah.”

   “I have some things to say. You don’t need to respond, just listen, please. First, you did the right thing. I heard something a long time ago that applies to this situation. It’s called the Serenity Prayer. It goes like this…”

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

   It took courage for you to do what you did, calling us together to try and put an end to the issue. However, you can’t control the outcome. You can’t make Charlie accept your apology. That’s up to him. You did what you needed to do. Give him time. He‘ll come around.“

   You also have shown me that I need to apologize to you. I allowed this situation to happen. Even though I worked second shift all of those years, I should have made it a point to do things with you on the weekends and during the summers. By the time I became aware of what was happening, it was too late to change things. I’m sorry.”

               < < < * * * > > >

   It didn’t take Diane long to catch up with Charlie as he shuffled down the driveway. She fell in step beside him.

   “You didn’t give him a chance, you know. He meant what he said.”

   “Mom, he never has before. You’re just making him do this again.”

   “That’s not true. This was his idea.”

   “Then why didn’t he call me and invite me?”

   “Would you have come?”

   Charlie thought for a moment and said, “Probably not.”

   “That’s why he asked me to call you. He figured it was the only way to get you here.”

   “Okay but even if he means it, it doesn’t make up for all of those years of pain.”

   “I know that honey but that’s all in the past. Can’t you put that behind you?”

   Before he could answer, she continued, “You know, you’re both complaining about the same thing! Both of you felt rejected and ignored. That’s where we failed as parents. We should have seen Ralph withdrawing and found a way to let him know that he was important to us too. Nobody gave us an owner’s manual when we had kids though. We just did the best we could. Hindsight is convicting us of our mistakes, I’m afraid. Just think about what I‘ve said, please.”

   With that, she turned and walked back to the cabin.

               < < < * * * > > >

   Charlie continued moping down the lane, turning back when he reached the main road. When he got back to the house he circled around back, knowing that Ralph would be in the one place that offered isolation…the tent.

   “Ralph, I’m guessing you’re in there. Will you listen to me for a minute?”

   --Silence--

   “Go ahead.”

   “I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier. Mom and I talked…well, she talked and I listened. I thought she put you up to this again, like when we were kids. She told me this was your idea. I want to accept your apology. I also want to do the same for you. I had no idea how lonely it must have been for you, with only Mom at home most nights and her running to me every five minutes. She was so overprotective of me. I had to sneak out of the house just to try and follow you. Of course, you always left me in the dust.”

   “Remember when you would get home from school? She always asked how many times you had washed your hands that day.”

   “I know, right? I had to run right over to the sink as soon as I answered her! I’m surprised she even let me go to school!”

   “You know, Charlie. I didn’t realize how serious it was for you back then. When I got old enough to understand, I was already at the point of not caring. I had withdrawn into my own world. I wish I had it to do over again.”

   “Yeah, but we don’t have that option.”

   They paused for a moment before Charlie spoke again.

   “So where do we go from here?”

   “Do you think we can just call this ground zero? I mean, I can’t forget what I did and I do regret it. I just want to try to do what’s right and that includes having my brother in my life,” Ralph answered.

   “That sounds good to me. I’ve always wanted an older brother.”

   “Hey! I already apologized. Don’t rub it in!”

   “Just kidding, sort of. I’m glad that you did this and I’m glad that I came. You really have a beautiful place here. It makes me jealous.”

   “Just between you and me, it gets a little lonely sometimes.”

   “Maybe I should visit more often then!”

   “You’re welcome any time you get the urge. Anyhow, I suppose the folks are getting hungry. I better get started on the fish.”

   “Hey, one more question for you. Can I sleep out here tonight?”

   “Seriously? It’s not very comfortable.”

   “I’m sure it’s not but you’ve got me missing campouts. I need to relive the experience.”

   “I think I can arrange that if Mom will let you.”

   They both laughed at that.

               < < < * * * > > >

   As Charlie situated himself in the tent, he took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air. Then he got his breathing machine started and put in place. Lying on his back, he looked up at the stars glimmering brightly in the darkened sky. It wasn’t long before he was soundly sleeping.

   He awoke to the sound of birds singing merrily from the trees all around him and the sun peeking in through the clear plastic window. He took it all in for a few minutes before making his way inside.

   “I thought I was going to have to throw some cold water on you to wake you up, sleepyhead!” Ralph said as he labored over the stove.

   “That was probably the most restful sleep I’ve had in years,” Charlie replied. “Thanks for letting me have the tent!”

   “I’ll bet that your back isn’t thanking me right now.”

   “That’s okay. It’s a small price to pay. I need to do some stretching anyways. That will work out the kinks.”

   When their parents joined them in the kitchen, Charlie made a suggestion. “I know we don’t have a lot of time today but can we go back to the wildlife refuge and hike through it? I mean, all four of us?”

   He looked expectantly at Ralph.

   “I think that’s a great idea, Charlie. There are several different trails we would have time for.”

   As they walked leisurely through the wetlands, Charlie was soaking it all in. Tall stands of different grains that were planted for the wildlife. Several different breeds of duck. Herons standing like statues until their prey came near. Mountain bluebirds flitting past, tracking insects. It felt like a dream to him. It was made even better since the whole family was enjoying it together.

   As his train rolled out of Sandpoint, Charlie gazed longingly at the trees and mountains under the crystal blue sky. This trip had given him back his love of nature. More importantly, it had given him back the brother he had lost so long ago.

   Pulling back into Minneapolis, Charlie sighed. This time he was feeling melancholy about his “regular” life. The city looked dirty to him now instead of vibrant and exciting.

   I think trips to Idaho are going to be part of my therapy from now on.