The incident

Author's note: This story is heavily based on my SA experience, because I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on it. The story itself does not contain SA on any level, but because of the real story behind it, it might hit a bit too close to home if you had a similar experience, so please read with caution, or don't read at all if this sounds like it isn't for you.

Guard was staring at his hand, perplexed. 

He didn't really understand what was happening at that moment. There was a knife that seemed to be going right through it. Blood was flowing everywhere, and it was glistening under the moonlight. His gaze was fixated on the knife handle, which was held in a hand, a hand of one that Guard would last think to blame. 

Who would even imagine this though? What kind of mind would one have to have to predict this at all? But Guard did predict it, in the past hour or so, and he was extremely confused because of that. And yet, not as confused as he was to watch it come true, almost in slow motion. Did she plan this? What kind of thoughts have been plaguing her, if she was truly capable of this? Or was it silly to think she planned it at all? After all, Guard didn't think himself to be a person worth anyone's time. This was simply the pattern he observed, and it was probably absurd to think she was an exception. 

Or it would be, had she not been the closest to what Guard would consider a friend. 

He looked at her now, and he felt like he was losing track of time, all in hopes of understanding what was happening. But to no avail: his mind was drawing a blank at this point. She seemed to be going on about something, all while holding the knife, but he didn't seem to hear her. He was focused on something else: she had a kind of wicked smile, one that he had never seen her direct at him before this night. One phrase crystalized in his mind.

It looks like she's enjoying it. 

But maybe she wasn't. He was hitting a dead end when it came to figuring out that aspect of this incident. Was she under some kind of spell? This wasn't like anything that happened ever before, he thought. And while all of this was going through his head in rapid speed, like the blood that was leaving his body, he remained motionless. He didn't seem to have a specific reaction to any of it- the blood, the pain, the shock, the betrayal. 

Well, he didn't seem to. 

Because he knew one thing for sure: it was not the time for that. 

He couldn't afford to say anything now. It felt like some kind of trap that he didn't understand, and therefore couldn't risk endangering himself by attempting to escape. So he needed to go along with this charade, whatever the hell it meant for her, and not provoke her. 

And he needed to be quiet. 

Quiet and still. 

Of course he seemed fine, even though there wasn't anyone around to see him, except for her, but he was far from fine, obviously. It seemed scary to admit what this could mean. About her, and their friendship. About him. Did he cause this? Somehow allow this to happen? Maybe he should have been asleep during this, so that he wouldn't know about this or remember it. 

He could've just left, before she stabbed him. He could've, but he didn't. Why didn't he leave? He should've left her. Why did he ever let her near him? She was gone from his life once, briefly. She should've stayed gone. What the hell did he expect? Why wasn't it this? Why didn't he see this coming sooner? Before it was too late. Before she had already pulled out the knife. 

Whatever…it was useless to think like this now. He needed to get it together. He was already doing an alright job. And she probably couldn't tell such subtlety right now anyways- she really did seem to be under some kind of spell. Was she under the influence of something? But then again, what kind of influence would ever be enough for anyone to even consider doing something like this? Either way, it was already happening, and she genuinely seemed to be in some sort of trance, as inexplicable as it was. 

Guard felt like there was no way out but through. He tried focusing on her words now, but it seemed to him like she was speaking gibberish. But really, none of this made sense anyways. This was honestly like a nightmare for Guard, but he didn't dare show it. You might expect one to scream or sob or fight, but Guard just sat, not moving at all, not letting out a sound, not showing any fear, or anger, or devastation, despite all of those emotions bubbling up inside him. It felt like he was going to burst. 

But he didn't. 

Honestly, it would've been better if he did. Better than this. 

She asked him something, all of a sudden, and he immediately sat up, alert, and made sure to answer best to his abilities. The question almost instantly evaporated from his mind, probably due to its nonsensical nature, but that wasn't important anyways. What was important was to not make her angry or upset. He really didn't want this nightmare to continue for much longer than it needed to.

Any sane person reading this would obviously think "but it doesn't need to happen at all!" and of course, this is correct, but Guard seemed to think otherwise. He perceived this horrific event as something almost inevitable, and perhaps it was in a way, but he was in no way obligated to bend to its will, nor to hers, and yet he was acting as if he was. 

How could anyone blame him, though? This whole thing was hard to process, and even harder to cope with. 

But as terrified as he was, he became even more terrified when he saw that she let go of the knife. What was her next move? Is this going to be something even more messed up? How would that even be possible? 

But it was, in fact, possible, much to Guard's surprise. She started to pick up the blood with her fingers, and then she was licking them. What the ever loving fuck was going on? This was so bad that Guard couldn't even imagine what to possibly say, or feel, or do at this point. 

So he continued to do nothing. Maybe she was going to stop this nonsense, finally. But she didn't. 

Not yet. 

In fact she was playing music, too, to what? Set the mood? What was the mood supposed to be? 

He was but a shadow now. A shadow in this dark night. Just an average night. No witnesses. No one would care. Guard was already a tense, inhibited individual, much too careful to be named Onyx, the name chosen for him by his parents; Guard was more appropriate of a name for him in recent years. But now he wasn't even Guard anymore. 

Now he was Nothing. 

She made him into Nothing. 

Nothing stared into the moon. It stared into the trees. It stared into what looked like vague silhouettes of people on a basketball court much too far away from where the incident was playing out quietly, in the dark. 

Guard wanted to disappear, mere moments ago, but now, Nothing was content, because it already didn't exist. There wasn't anything there to disappear. 

She seemed to deliver the final blow, now attempting to suck the blood directly from the wound, and then as if suddenly losing interest, she stopped, got up, and told Nothing to get up too so they could leave. Nothing followed, obediently. She seemed almost normal now. Amused. Nothing walked next to her, though it was finding it hard to move. 

Were they both under some kind of influence? Nothing thought it wasn't affected, since it wasn't doing anything like what she was doing. But, it was kind of odd indeed that it turned into Nothing to begin with. That it wasn't Guard anymore. That it wasn't a person anymore. 

It was possibly temporary. Just a more appropriate way to deal with this. 

Guard wasn't able to handle this crime. But Nothing was Nothing, so it wasn't a crime anymore, right? 

They parted ways, and it wasn't Nothing anymore, walking the street. It was Guard again. 

No…not Guard, either…it was Onyx. 

Onyx burst into tears. It's alright, he thought, there's no one to hear it now. It was, after all, a dark night. Onyx rushed home to wash off the horrors from his body, which was never going to be the same, he thought, and not just because of the wound in his hand. There was something… disgusting about it. Something that no amount of water, or soap, or alcohol, or hydrogen could wash off. Something permanent. It lived in his body now, like a parasite, waiting to be triggered into spreading everywhere. 

It wasn't fair! At all! Why would she do this?! What was it all for??! Why do such horrible things always happen to him?? Do people think he deserves it?? Did she???! Will this affect her at all??

Will she even remember??!!

.

.

.

She didn't remember. Guard- he was back to Guard now, as expected- had to tell her all of it, in detail. But how could she be held accountable for something she didn't even remember? 

Apparently, she was under some kind of influence last night, but so was Guard, though to a lesser extent. Still, clearly it was enough. She couldn't believe it when she saw his hand. She couldn't even give him the reason. She said she didn't understand it herself. It was so unfair, Guard thought, but kept quiet.

It was like he was stuck as the only witness of the horrible incident, and had to be left wondering if it would ever happen again, or even why it happened at all. Maybe being Guard really wasn't enough. Maybe he should be Nothing. Clearly that's what his worth was. 

But perhaps that was the problem.

He wanted to be Nothing so strongly 'cause he couldn't handle the weight of it all. The terrors that sucked all air out of his lungs, and left him fighting for his life. He needed to be Nothing so bad he almost convinced himself he was for a while, almost forgot that he was a person, and he was allowed to be a person. 

Fully. 

Onyx. 

Fully feeling. Fully reacting. Fully living. 

And once he learned that, no one got away with hurting him, ever again.