Toy or Tool

“What would you give up to be remembered forever?” When I was thirteen, almost fourteen, my maid asked me that question. I never answered her, but now that I’m here, on a throne, being called a rightful king, without any choices left, I can’t stop thinking about her question. I never gave anything up, rather things were taken from me, but since I’ve been rewarded it should be worth it because I’ll be remembered forever as King Arthor.

Today I saw a glimpse of the future, so I know what is to come. I might not like the rest of my life but it’s too late for me to change. All I can do is watch in my elegant clothes from my throne as the nobles dance and celebrate. All I can do is wait for them to put a crown on my head and call me pretty names. I find it strange, how everywhere I look there are smiles and things shining despite how bleak it feels to me. Isn’t it weird that in a room filled with celebration, only the king is unhappy?

The room is tall and feels stuffy to me, but the dancers don’t seem to care that they are stepping over each other. Maybe the reason they aren’t choking on each other's breath is because of the tall ceilings? Or maybe they’re just so used to these gatherings that this doesn’t bother them anymore? I don’t understand the complex dances going on at centerstage, or the frivolous talk between men, but I do like the stingy, light, music that mixes in the air above. From a family of musicians, a beautiful chorus is the best thing in this room.

“Today.” A booming old man’s voice, so loud he can’t be ignored. “We've gathered to crown our new king!” The band remains quiet, but the rest of the crowd roars. I look over them. In their faces I see joy, but in myself I feel none, because today is the first day of my new life. Now is when everything left for me is set in stone. To death, there'll be no more choices for me and there's no way left for me to stop it. Today is what my life has been built to. It’s the day I become King Arthor.

I had nothing to do with getting me on top of a throne, the one who did was Merlin, a wizard and the foremost advisor to the former king, Uther. My father, the last leader, died a long time ago, but even then, before his body was cold, the kingdom was being torn apart as people fought for his crown. To Merlin I was luck. The unclaimed child of a kingdom that would have fallen without a rightful lead. Merlin used me to come up with a solution. It started simple. My father had asked that he take care of me, so Merlin knew who and where I was. He knew I was a little boy with a maid that lived between a forest and a village. 

The village I wasn’t allowed in because the maid thought I looked like my father, but the forest I got to explore. Everyday I’d go on grand adventures in that place using tree limbs, rocks and moss as my playthings. Back then, I even had a favorite twig. It was a little thing called Cal. He was my sword and I took him everywhere.

Before my father died, I’d met Merlin only once, briefly, on his way somewhere else and barely realized he was there. Back then I had adventures to go on and a maid to bother with my endless questions, making some old man nothing to me but a distraction. He returned a week after we heard of Uther’s death. That day he told me nothing, but he did take my sword. He turned the Cal I’d used in my adventures to metal and gave it a prophecy. My favorite toy, my only friend, became Excalibur, the sword in the stone. 

I tried everyday for weeks to retrieve my sword, but I couldn't, not yet. Merlin explained it to me weeks later, after returning from his duties. He said I would only be able to again freely hold it when I am ready to be king. That day, I was excited. I thought being king would mean doing whatever I wanted! I thought a lot of wrong things back then. The maid knew better and tried to warn me, but I called her stupid and threw a fit. Merlin was still visiting when I started yelling, but by the time I was done he was gone, and he’d taken my maid. I never even learned her name.

From then on I trained myself to take the crown. For years it was all I did, forgetting the forest I used to explore, the maid who cared and the dreams I’d had. I learned everything a king needed to know. I learned so much that everything else was pushed down and forgotten. I did it all so that I could become a king because kings live life the way they want. I changed everything about myself because I thought if I was the lead, I could order the world not to make me lonely.

While I trained, Merlin was gone. He only came to visit when on his way somewhere else and even then he never said more than hi. He never stayed long enough to know I was there alone so when I told him about it he was surprised. He came just yesterday, ready to change my fate. On horseback in robes he asked why the house was so messy and I told him it was just me. For a second he said nothing, then he muttered that he must have forgotten to bring me a new maid. For a second the world was red and all I could think was that I wanted him dead, then his brown horse approached me. A pretty little mare, she liked me. Merlin gave me her reins and said to, “Go get Excalibur.”

He told me to go into town and pull the sword from the stone, so I did. I rode into town. I could hear the snow crunching below my feet as I dismounted. The silence pressed into me as I tied the horse to the fence encasing the sword in the stone. Before, when I imagined it, there were people watching, but that day there was no one, just me and Excalibur. Inside the fenced off area, just snow, a stone, the sword and me. Only his ornate hilt remained outside the river-rounded, gray rock. Sun shone on him. He looked majestic and retrieving him felt final.

It was so quiet when I approached him that I could hear my heartbeat. I wrapped my hands around the leather covered, jewel encrusted hilt. I braced myself on the ground and pulled. The sword practically freed itself, like a knife from butter, it was easy. I don't remember slipping, but I remember my life flashing before my eyes. I’m not sure why a magic sword would help me, but I can understand why an old friend would warn me of what’s to come of all the horrors that would follow my coronation; of the endless fights with huge stakes and what-ifs, of the big decisions that always end with someone dead, of never being able to trust the people around me, of having a wife that never loves me and a best friend that loves my who I do more than me. I don’t want a life like that. I’d rather go back to the beginning when the sword was a stick, when all I had to do was ask meaningless questions and play in the forest behind my house. I don’t want to be the man fighting with Excalibur or be sent to my death, alone in a lake with no one but a sword.

I don’t remember why my life started flashing, but I remember that I was out when it was happening, I know because when I awoke I was in the castle being talked about as the mystery boy who pulled the sword from the stone. Before I knew it I was shoed from the bed, sword in hand to a towering room filled with a huge rounded wooden table surrounded by men much more important than me. They mumbled to themselves as I looked for a way out till the eldest man there came up behind me and grabbed my shoulders the same way he is now.

“I introduce King Arthur!” Merlin booms across the grand hall as he places a crown on my head.

I watched the crown approach on its red pillow, held by a small boy, no older than I was when my father died. The boy was frail, weak, and sickly but in his best clothes, so happy to be carrying the crown that outshine him. The boy didn't get very close to me, but he looked like he wanted to. He was ready to approach but Merlin got in his way. The old man took the crown from his pillow and set him away, still he was smiling as he ran off.

The crowd is cheering. They’re shouting, “Long live the king.” The voices mingle, old young, deep and high. Together it’s a beautiful choir of well wishes. Wishes for the king unlike the one I thought I’d get to be. If I could have a wish, I’d ask not to be the son of a king. I’d ask to just be me. I’d ask to live a normal life with normal people. I’d wish to live a life full of people, never alone, not like mine, not like the one where I have to be a mythical king with a sword pulled from a stone.