What If...?

Your heart clenched as he stares at you, with those warm brown eyes of his that are usually busy glaring at you in contempt. That is when, for the very first time in your life, your mouth doesn’t run off like it normally does. At that very moment, you knew you needed to let it all out. He had to know the truth. Yet your lips still stayed shut and all that remained before you two was a sad sort of silence. Your other classmates didn't seem to notice the two of you. They themselves too busy with their tearful goodbyes and their fervent promises to keep in contact during the summer to acknowledge the awkward atmosphere surrounding you two. He looked at you. You looked at him. “I’ll miss you when I move. I hope you have fun at your new school”, you mutter finally. "Are you sure, that’s all you want to say to me", he asks his eyes piercing, searching for something. For a moment, you falter. Could he see it? Did he know? Your knuckles start to tighten but you only give him a crooked grin and say, “Enjoy yourself and keep safe”. Then you escape to the other side of the room. You just walk away even as the pit in your stomach grows. You want to turn around and finally confess yet your feet hold steady as you drift away into the crowd of meandering twelve-year-olds. You should have said something. You should have told him how you felt, told him how much he meant to you. But you didn't, so now all you have remaining is a bucket full of regrets. Since the start of 6th grade, he was always there. Always there with a lopsided grin that seemed to be just for you. Always there with those glimmering brown eyes that appeared to linger only upon you. He clung to you like a lost puppy and stuck with you through thick and thin like glue to the skin. He and you were best friends. Friends that could have been more but you happened. You with your insecurities that suffocated you till you could barely breathe. For you could feel their eyes following you. You could feel their eyes boring into you, looking within you. You could even hear the whispers, no matter how much you pretended not to, when you walked down the hall. For they all knew what you were: different. 

So you change, trying to wear skirts as much as possible, try to get in with the in-crowd, cursing, and roughhousing just like any other. But they still saw you as a foreigner, they knew you as the nice quiet teacher pet. you were still an alien to them, you will always be an outsider.

It was around the second semester of the school year. An unknown girl came into the classroom one day. She was a shy, quiet Asian wearing glasses. Not only did she seem friendly enough, and it was your duty as the “nicest” girl in class, but. She sorts of reminded you of yourself. So you walked your peppy self over, shake her hand, and introduce yourself. Then after getting to know her for a bit you dragged her over to meet your closest friends that you share a table with. She fit in like a missing puzzle piece. But as the days go by, you can’t help but feel more and more empty, you feel replaced.” who needs them, I was never part of their little clique anyway!” you mumbled to yourself, staring at the ceiling of your dark bedroom. That is when you became more aggressive. Everyone seems to have noticed but didn't dare to speak about it. The friend she has been ignoring in her pursuit of inclusion had to deal with her horrid attitude that pops out because of her short fuse.

You ask him a random question as you sit together in the English class. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” you ask him. He shot a quick glance over at you as he answered.” I want to be a YouTuber when I grow up” you paused, you heard of YouTube but never allowed to watch. Not only did your parents argue a lot, but they were also strict. That means no weekend birthday parties, no sleepovers, and no social media. So YouTube was a rarity to you. You remember what the adults always said, your parents, and you spewed similar words right back to him. “Being a YouTuber is not a job. It should only count as a hobby. You should be a doctor or engineer.” That’s when matters started to turning south. As a concerned friend allowed dreadful words to fall from her careless mouth, he frowns. His eyes sort of glazed over as he started to tear up, his frown develops a little pout, and before you know it he was trying to stop himself from crying. Just as he was nice, he was very sensitive. This wasn’t the first time he cried because of your bluntness and oblivious to other humans’ emotions. In that school year alone you made him cry from your words alone on about four to five “unique” occasions. Everybody couldn’t help but just look on in pity. It wasn’t unusual news to hear that he was crying again because of you. Even after all those times, you make him cry he still chases after the oblivious, blunt girl. It wasn’t until towards the end of the school year he started distancing himself from you. You continue the pursuit of putting down your insecurities in a wrongful manner as he stops being with you. He stops talking to you, smiling at you. The very eyes that once happily shine as bright as the stars at you now only look at you with nonchalance as if you are unimportant to him, like thin air. You only realized it when it was too late. You wished to have gotten his contact information before the year ended. You were moving to an entirely different school district, but even if you weren’t moving, you would have gone to different middle schools. Your chances of meeting again were slim to none. it’s been several years since then. You regretted everything that happened that year. six grade was the year where you were not you. You burned bridges that shouldn’t have been burn. You regretted a lot of things that year and if you could turn back time you would. But now that you’re older, you realized that those things are meant to be left in the past. Those events happen for a reason and they have helped you grow and mature in recent years. You have become more open-minded and have became attached to the site called YouTube that brought some light in your world. You hope that things have gone better for him on his side. That he didn’t let people like you from back then hold him back from his dreams and passions. If there was one thing that you wished to say to him, it would be:

“I’m sorry.”