Ranting in My Radius

I said it outloud tonight because I couldn't write it down. I spoke in my comforting writing voice and tone. I managed a smile as I hugged my knees to my chest, in the wrong corner of my bed, watching a familiar body breath its sleeping breath. I said out loud, like this: “Dear Diary,

Today I saw everything around me, but that was not reciprocated by my environment. The people, and the things, were oblivious to me. The laws of physics and gravity ignored me, and even matter decided not to give me any attention. So naturally, I thought I was dead.

Of course, I was, or am still just a human, all I did was fall asleep really. Funny thing is that when “I woke up”, I woke up- out of my body? Not to sound wacky or delirious, and you gotta believe me! I mean… goodness, I sometimes just get carried away. Who am I kidding? This is me, speaking to me, in a voice nothing else can comprehend.

So anyways…. I woke up, and I was staring at myself sleeping- and can I just say how beautiful and peaceful I looked? That was me being sarcastic. I thought that if I “write” it down like this, maybe I would rewrite it into my memory, but gosh. I look like a rat with long whiskers, one arm that once twitched into the wrong spot and stayed there, bum raised, neck looks painful, and oh- let me not start on the amount of drool soaking my beautiful pillow. That is besides the point of course.

Anyways, It's been not a day for me, because I needn't eat, nor drink, nor sleep. That is what marks my day, but it none of it happened, not to mention, I see nothing when I look at watches or time. They are bank. However, I do see the sun sink and pop out the other side. I watch the stars zooming. The last bite of my sandwich left on my desk turned into colours I shouldn't be allowed to see, and my nails grew more than I ever let them with my constant biting. 

I am not a genius by any measures, but I do know that it's been more than a day, and there is no need to deny that. Day in and day out, I roam around, floating and pretending I'm a ghost from a cartoon series I watched as a kid. I would float on top of the roof of the highrise building I live in in the bustling city, and lay there at whatever height I deem. I try to stay near some sort of surface, to feel more human...? But I am one of course, it’s just- to give me some sense of familiarity.

You know this is the first time I say my diary out loud as the “half” existing me? Gosh I do sound self deprecating with the whole “half” thing. I'm not depressed or anything, just the solid part of me isn't there, and I can't even see me in mirrors, no proof I exist, you can call me one confused person. I mean I know I'm somewhat there, when I look down at my hands, I'm slightly transparent. Oh, I’ll roll with the punches. I'll float, waiting for me to wake up I guess. Hopefully I will wake up before I die, or before I'm 65, because I would love to retire with money, and not as much back pain as years of my sleeping positions would give me. Speaking of which, I would give up almost anything to be solid just to move myself around; at least then, if a dashing FBI agent comes when my neighbours smell me rotting (that’s if I rot before I die, I'm not sure if that works), but at least I will seem to have once been somewhat decent.

Holy moly… Do I..Do I have to stay near me? I mean I’ve always stayed near my body in hopes I get sucked back into it, I do not know but I have not tried to move further...but.. focus focus… This is a diary. Wait, I guess I can narrate my life as a diary. A lunatic thing that would be if people can hear me.

So, I don't need to pee or sleep or eat, and I can float? Well then, might as well find the Bahamas. First I have to find a map and memorize it, then I can float in the direction. Pshhh! Easy peasy. 

So, this is me, reporting to me, I am down the building. I'll find some old looking place, Or someone's open phone which will be conveniently opened on the map of the world. Unlikely, they are probably zoomed into the 2 meters they see in front of them, trying to see if they are facing left or right. I swear! People these days. Wow, I always wanted to say that. Ok this is sounding stupid, I’ll check in in a couple of days.

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Hi Diary, it’s been 3 days, and even though I don’t need to say this again in order to remember it, I need something to fill my time and void, and maybe these words floating out of me will suffice, if only temporarily. 

So picking up where we left off- I got distracted by an old couple with their cats entering a library, and found myself following them. Next thing I know, there on the wall, a large map stared at me, and I gwaked back. Of course, I did not become genius enough to find a history class or library to look for a map, but sometimes mistakes are your greatest guiding hand in learning about yourself.

I looked at it, and the mark that says 'you’re here'. I floated up into the sky, higher than I have before, and I got scared I would need oxygen among the birds, but I was fine. Then, I journeyed. At that point, I was piped. I mean, you couldn’t find a person in the world who laughed harder than me up there. I was completely mesmerized by the fact that I got to go on a trip for free, and spend time in a hotel with no fees (one that people forgot the tv on, hopefully their choice is better than my neighbours- no wonder I never got along with them). Maybe I would pretend to be a part of a family vacation. Who cares, I was going, for free, while being in bed all day at the same time. Like c’mon, sounded like a gift from heaven.

Till it wasn't, because the farther I went, the heavier my hands felt. So I went lower in latitude, but that did not do the trick. So I pretended to rest, but felt nothing. I would spend hours out on the sun, I would try to lay down. Nothing. The closer I came to my destination, the more I felt like I was suffocating, which is ridiculous since I didn't need air, since air didn’t feel me, being matter and all. 

I felt like I was deteriorating- not that close to where I wanted to go, but definitely farther from home than I've ever been. Then it hit me, I couldn't be far from me. I can't be far from my “home”, my capsule, whatever this was. I was not allowed to go in it, but I also couldn't be far. I was just there...in an awkward place.. within a blurred radius.

I journeyed, found my way back, and I stared back at my body, charged because I've been gaining strength the closer I got to my physical body. I was angry at first, with me fainting or whatever this is, but then I noticed, this life is not too bad. I can follow people around and check up on them. I can keep this diary, I can watch sunsets and rises, and I live in a city with so much so close to me. It is not great to not be able to eat, or be loved, but at least I can see the world around me from so many angles. I am blessed, am’t I?” And so, I convinced myself yes, and it worked.