Drunk

I’m not going to drink today.  Look, I know life sucks, but having a drink won’t help.  Damn it.  There are certain major changes that happen in a person’s life.  Puberty, graduation (high school and college), marriage, children, grandchildren, purchasing a house, purchasing a car, but I had to get sober to get my GED, not even a high school diploma, since I was kicked out of high school, but more about that later.  The real question is will any of this shit help me with the amount of time I have left.  What?  Me, fifty-six, getting my high school diploma.  That’s the first step.  Right?  Write?  A GED is a shitload harder than your average high school diploma.  I ain’t even talkin’ about AP courses or none of that shit.  Just talkin’ about your regular, old-fashioned G.E.D., Right?  Coffee’s okay, booze ain’t.  Hell, booze is what got me into this mess in the first place.  No booze.  Gotta figure out what the hell I gonna do for the rest of my life.  Hell, for all I know, I be shot by one of these gang kids in a drive-by.  Hell, they probably don’t have no more drive-bys no more.  They got fetanyl which be killing kids off faster than a fly trap be killing all them flies.  When the Earth ends, ain’t gonna be nothing left by roaches and cockroaches, right?  Even if I be last person on planet Earth, no more booze for me.  

They have Kaplin Courses for G.E.D.  You be a moron so here’s your homework so you can get outta the hood.  Most fuckers ain’t even know what the hood is. My parents ain’t gonna be at my graduation, ain’t go no kids, ain’t got nothing or nobody, but thank God I be able to be getting my G.E.D., and be walking down the isle getting my diploma.  Then, I be going to college, get married, right?  Champaign be everywhere.  Great.  Hell, I be getting more money from a wedding than I be getting from getting this here G.E.D.  Least then I be getting drunk again.  What I gonna do to celebrate me graduatin’?  Ain’t getting drunk all I know how to do to celebrate and mourn and everything?  Hell, get bored, get stoned and get drunk. 

No, gotta think a something else.  Look at this tome study book.  Hell, tome be a word I earned in this here G.E.D. course.  It mean a really big motherfucking book, like the Bible or War and Peace by Tolstoy.   That be about World War II.  I no have to read that though.  So, be having to read all this bullshit bout math, science, social studies, English, Spanish, and P.E.  Fuck P.E.  I be too old for that shit.  What, I be running around the block at my age.  These fuckers lost their goddamn minds.  Why no these scientists invent the fountain a youth?  Then, this shit be useful to me.  By the time I be getting this goddamn G.E.D., I’s be six feet under man.  Hell, may as well drink if . . . damn it.  Get my crazy ass mind off a drinkin’.  Man, wonder if they be teachin’ in their dumb ass education system about makin’ ends meet. How to beg for scraps.  How to get shit outta all-you-can-eat trash cans so you ain’t be starvin’ to death on no street corner.  That’d be more helpful than who be the third president of the U.S.A?  Try join army to get this shit for free, but they got age limit for army,  Over 18, under 39.  So, I be getting loan for this bullshit.    How you write five paragraph essay.  You be reading five paragraph essays, ‘cept teachers?  Ain’t no one publishing no best selling five paragraph essay with no thesis statement.  They be reading fantasies.  

Why kids be getting this dumbbass education for free, but I’s gotta pay for it.  I know, all flunk outs gotta pay.  Should go work for McD’s so they could pay for it.  Great.  Me, surrounded by teens who be lying so they be able to smoke and drink, like I’s did.  I too old for this G.E.D. shit.  I be better off offing myself with a gun.  Gotta have money to get a gun and gotta get diploma to get money to get a fucking gun.  

It be everywhere.  It be on TV when I’m studying.  I watch TV when I study.  Like Couldn’t you use a nice cold one to relax?  Hell, yeah.  I could use a cold one.  Be easier to have cirrhosis in my liver than this goddamn G.E.D.  I never like teachers, homework, none of that.  Man, maybe meet a rich bitch at the bar and marry her and tell this fucking G.E.D. bullshit to go fuck itself. 

They have Kaplin Courses for G.E.D. You be a moron so here’s your homework so you can get outta the hood. Most fuckers ain’t even know what the hood is. My parents ain’t gonna be at my graduation, ain’t go no kids, ain’t got nothing or nobody, but thank God I be able to be getting my G.E.D., and be walking down the isle getting my diploma. Then, I be going to college, get married, right? Champaign be everywhere. Great. Hell, I be getting more money from a wedding than I be getting from getting this here G.E.D. Least then I be getting drunk again. What I gonna do to celebrate me graduatin’? Ain’t getting drunk all I know how to do to celebrate and mourn and everything? Hell, get bored, get stoned and get drunk. 

No, gotta think a something else. Look at this tome study book. Hell, tome be a word I earned in this here G.E.D. course. It mean a really big motherfucking book, like the Bible or War and Peace by Tolstoy. That be about World War II. I no have to read that though. So, be having to read all this bullshit bout math, science, social studies, English, Spanish, and P.E. Fuck P.E. I be too old for that shit. What, I be running around the block at my age. These fuckers lost their goddamn minds. Why no these scientists invent the fountain a youth? Then, this shit be useful to me. By the time I be getting this goddamn G.E.D., I’s be six feet under man. Hell, may as well drink if . . . damn it. Get my crazy ass mind off a drinkin’. Man, wonder if they be teachin’ in their dumb ass education system about makin’ ends meet. How to beg for scraps. How to get shit outta all-you-can-eat trash cans so you ain’t be starvin’ to death on no street corner. That’d be more helpful than who be the third president of the U.S.A? Try join army to get this shit for free, but they got age limit for army, Over 18, under 39. So, I be getting loan for this bullshit.  How you write five paragraph essay. You be reading five paragraph essays, ‘cept teachers? Ain’t no one publishing no best selling five paragraph essay with no thesis statement. They be reading fantasies.  

Why kids be getting this dumbbass education for free, but I’s gotta pay for it. I know, all flunk outs gotta pay. Should go work for McD’s so they could pay for it. Great. Me, surrounded by teens who be lying so they be able to smoke and drink, like I’s did. I too old for this G.E.D. shit. I be better off offing myself with a gun. Gotta have money to get a gun and gotta get diploma to get money to get a fucking gun.