MY STAR, FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

Journal entry. 31.12.2019

Today's my 20th birthday. I know I should be happy but I am thinking about her today. I have grown since the last time she saw me 15 years ago.

I am writing about her looking outside the window under the one star and moon in the sky today. For a minute or more I was just staring at my phone screen wondering what on earth I am going to write about her. Apart from my dad. She's the next person I love or loved most. 

Its been 15 years since she left us. 

All the memories I have of her are scanted. I even have to carry an old black and white photograph of her in my diary to remind me of how she looks like because I can't bear the fact that I might forget her. I don't want to.

My mum was the perfect role model mother. Smart, hardworking, loving extremely beautiful. Sometimes I pretend I match her beauty when I look at myself in the mirror. No wonder she managed to charm her way into my dad's reserved heart. I wonder how she did it honestly. 

I hate the fact that I have scanty memories of her. Those on our birthdays, our first car ride, our permanent home and the last of the beautiful memories was when she had our last born. 

Then there comes the terrible ones of her last days as she fought the tumor that killed her later on. Five year old me never knew that she was going to leave us. Neither did any of us. Even at this age I still hope and wish that she comes back. I imagine her coming back into my life say she had faked her death like I have seen in the movies. I want her to come back and hold me in her arms. To teach me about being a girl. To teach me on how to be social. 

To listen to the insecurities I face each day after I see pretty or privileged people passing me by. Those that have their lives figured out. To also listen to the stories about all the boys in my life. The crushes, the ones I can't have, the ones I don't want, and then my dream man. I wish she could come back to tell me about how she met my dad. Her love story in particular because I live for those and the fact that my dad is too reserved. To be able to see me successful in my career, marriage and her grand children. But then reality hits me and I can't control the river of tears that rolls down my face every time I think about her absence. I don't know if you have ever lost a loved one because the heart ache is a whole different kind of pain. Its worse than the heart breaks I have seen on TV series that last three week till recovery. Its just your heart aching for something you can never have. I hate the fact that she can't come back. She's gone forever.

Good news is that Dad finally found love again. Bad news is that I will never find my love again as long as I am alive. 

I was thinking...

If the time machines really existed I would turn the odds in my favor to make her stay alive because trust me if you had a mum like mine you'd want the person you loved and you couldn't have to be someone else. Probably your best friends perfect boyfriend I mean there's plenty of perfect men around you...those that are better than him. Because mum's are one and irreplaceable come what may.