Dreaming Awake

Light on. Light off. Walk to the bathroom. Walk to the kitchen for a glass of water. Pick up the phone. Check messages. Put phone down. Close eyes. Tell yourself you’re tired. Open your eyes and realize you’re not.

Liz laid in her bed. Her eyes were wide open, but she couldn’t see anything in the dark bedroom. She looked at her phone again. It was 3:42. She closed her eyes. Brian was snoring on his side of the bed. He wasn’t worried. If he was, it wasn’t affecting his sleep.

Liz turned to her side. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was not a good time to have an argument, not that there ever is a good time to have one. It was a stupid thing to argue over. Then again, most arguments are over stupid things but now? She had been doing a lot of thinking. She didn’t see herself working at a grocery store for the rest of her life. It wasn’t hard, though and the money was good. Someone as smart as Liz could do it in her sleep….

Sleep. Ugh! She looked at her phone again. It was 3:44. She couldn’t sleep. She was starting to think she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep tonight. That was going to make her pleasant with the people at work. Work that didn’t make her very happy. Nothing had made her happy lately. None of that was Brian’s fault. He was a good guy. A fantastic guy. Brian was the type of guy you’d want to be with when you move across the state. He took a transfer at work. The new location came with a raise and a new title. The extra money came in handy when they wanted to use the extra week of vacation that also came along with Brian’s promotion and transfer.

Things were good then. Liz wasn’t sure what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Not a lot of people do in their early 20’s. She went to college for a year, but it wasn’t exactly for her. She liked studying architecture but not enough to pay that much money and go back for three more years. Was that something she would even want to do for the rest of her life? Architecture was okay. Just okay. Nothing particularly exciting.

Then one day, not too long ago when things had been less than good, Liz and Brian were downtown doing some shopping. Brian wanted to run into a store to get a bottle of wine for dinner that night. Liz said she would be at the bookstore across the street. The first one to finish would text the other. She walked into the store where a woman behind the counter greeted her with a smile.

“May I help you?” the lady asked.

“Oh, no. Thank you,” Liz said. “I’m just looking.”

“Of course,” the lady said. “I’m right here if you need anything.”

Liz thanked her and looked around the store. She slowly walked past the towers of shelves that contained shiny, pristine books waiting to be picked up, bought, and read. Liz didn’t want to buy anything. She just wanted to look around while Brian picked up the wine. Liz turned and saw a book. “Small Houses”. She and Brian liked watching the reality show about people who build and live in small houses. Liz, with her little background in architecture and design, paid closer attention to the detail when people on TV were walking viewers through the design and building process. Her year in college was spent studying design but her heart wasn’t completely in it then.

She picked up the book and looked through the pages. She read some of what the book had to offer. She was amazed at the scaled-down structures. They were sturdy and serviceable. Most important of all, they were cheap. Less materials and less time spent to build the houses meant lower costs.

Liz turned the page and saw plans for a house. She was able to see the house in her head from the plans in front of her. She was a good student in school and even if she had only taken two or three architecture classes, she was able to see the plans in front of her and understand them.

Liz felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She picked it up and saw a text from Brian. “I’m done,” the message read. She put her phone in her pocket and put the book back. She thanked the woman as she walked out of the store and went back across the street to Brian. They continued home.

“Did you see anything you liked in the store?” Brian asked.

Liz shook her head. “No. I looked around. There was nothing there that really interested me.”

It was now 4:07. Liz thought about the bookstore. She thought about the book. She thought about architecture. Something about looking at that book made her think about architecture again. It had never really left her mind, really. Even when she left school, she had an interest in it. It was a passing interest, though. Not enough to keep her at school. That didn’t mean she didn’t think about doing something with architecture.

How many years ago was that? Three? Liz was 22 years old. She was going to be 23 soon. She could still go to school and do something with architecture. Right? It was 4:30 now. Did she want to do this? Did she want to go back to school? People at work were surprised she wasn’t in school or teaching. She was an extremely intelligent lady. She was one of those people you could just tell by looking at her. She still had her books on Greek and Roman structures. She still liked looking at them. Going to the bookstore and looking at the book reminded her of all the times she picked up a book without realizing what she had been doing. She liked the books. She liked watching the design shows.

Two minutes past five. Liz got out of bed. She wasn’t going back to sleep. She should have known that the first time she looked at her phone. Brian was still asleep. Liz closed the bedroom door to keep the room dark and not wake him. She went to the kitchen and made some coffee. The coffee machine beeped to tell her the coffee was ready. Liz made herself a cup and sat down at the table with her coffee and her phone. She went to a social media page to tell the world of her difficulty sleeping.

It was a little after 6:00. Liz had finished her coffee. Brian came into the kitchen.

“Hi,” he said. “How long have you been up?”

Liz shrugged. “I don’t know. I couldn’t sleep so I decided to get up and make some coffee. Today’s going to suck.”

Brian poured himself a cup and sat down with Liz. “Maybe just the morning sucks. The rest of the day might be good.”

Liz shrugged as Brian took a sip of his coffee. “Maybe,” she said. “We’ll see.”

Liz and Brian got ready for work. Liz got to her job at the grocery store. She was still tired. The coffee had perked her up a little but only so much. It wasn’t a bad day at work. She liked the people she worked with. The customers were nice. You get a “Karen” sometimes but that’s every job no matter what the job is. At the end of the day, Liz had to drive through downtown. She thought about the bookstore and the architecture book she saw in it. She stopped on her way home and bought the book. She got home before Brian. She put the book next to her side of the bed. She might look at it after dinner that night. What was for dinner? She and Brian decided what to eat when he got home. She went to bed that night. She had a little trouble falling asleep. She was thinking about Brian and the arguing they had been doing more often. She was thinking about the book. She was thinking about architecture. She was thinking about studying again. She was thinking about going back to school.

She fell asleep and stayed asleep. Liz woke up at 6:17. Brian was in the shower. She could smell the coffee brewing in the kitchen. She made herself a cup and sat at the table. Liz looked at her phone while she waited for her coffee to cool. Brian got out of the shower and got dressed. He came into the kitchen for some breakfast.

“Are you working today?” Brian asked.

“No,” Liz said. I have the day off.

What was she going to do? She didn’t know. She wanted to look at that book again. One thing she did know, was that she didn’t need to leave the house for any errands. That was good. If she was going to go somewhere, it was because she wanted to.

Brian left for work. Liz was on the couch with her book and her coffee. It felt nice to have some hours to herself. It was nice to sip her coffee and not need to rush through her morning and be on time for work. She was sure Brian was jealous of her being able to relax instead of needing to be to work on time. It was a good day. It was the kind of day Liz needed after a week that included another argument with her boyfriend and a sleepless night.

That evening, Liz and Brian sat down to dinner. Not much was said. Brian could tell something was on Liz’ mind.

“Brian,” Liz said. “I think I want to go back to school.”

Brian sat there waiting to hear more of what she had to say but she didn’t say anything else.

“Where do you want to go?” he asked.

“I thought of going back to where I studied earlier.”

Brian swallowed. He wasn’t sure he liked where this was going. He remembered where she was. She was there for one year. It was in a different part of the state. It wasn’t like she could drive back and forth every day. This would mean going back and Brian was in a good place with his company. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get his old position back if he wanted to. If he did, he doubted he would keep the raise he got.

“What made you want to go back there?” Brian asked.

Liz looked down and thought about it. “They have a great architecture program,” she said. “I wasn’t there that long ago, and I know the professors. I don’t think they would recognize me, but I remember them. I remember the campus and there’s that. The familiarity.”

“When would you start?” Brian asked.

“In the fall,” Liz said. It’s spring now. If I sign up for classes now, I could look into registering for classes next semester. In the meantime, I could stay with my family while I look for a place.”

“Could you afford a place on your own?” Brian asked.

“Sure,” Liz said. “I would be applying for financial aid and I would look for a part-time job. I’m with my family for a bit while I look for a place. There are plenty of apartments not far from school.”

Brian pushed his plate away. He didn’t know what to say. He knew he and Liz had been arguing more and more. Liz had done a lot for him by agreeing to move with him. She knew she’d be able to find a job when they moved, and she did. There was some adjusting, and she adjusted. They both adjusted. The area suited Brian. He loved the company and people were noticing him and his work. The hours were longer. Brian would get home later. Sometimes he would leave for work earlier. It wasn’t fair to Liz and she didn’t want to live her life that way. She hadn’t been happy for a long time. Some couples deal with it, but Liz didn’t want to be a part of that type of couple.

Brian looked up at Liz. “How long have you thought about this?”

“A few weeks now,” Liz said, getting up from the table. She went to the living room and brought the architecture book back to the kitchen. She put the book down between them.

“I saw this at the bookstore when we were both downtown one time,” She said. “I’ve been looking through it when I have some free time. It still interests me. I’ve always liked it. I think it’s something I would still like to study. School wasn’t for me back then but that was a few years ago. I don’t like my job. You’re doing great with your job, Brian and that’s great. I’m so happy for you that you have something you love, but I’m not happy here. The truth is I haven’t been happy for a while”

“Happy here or happy with me,” Brian said.

“Both,” Liz answered. “I hate that we argue. We’re arguing about stupid things. You work late. You’re busy with your job. I get that, but things are going bad and I feel we’re going in different directions. This is something I want to do. School. I can’t do it without going back across the state. I want to do this. I want to study this and do something with architecture.”

Brian brought his hands up to his face. He didn’t want to get in the way of something Liz wanted. She was right. The two had been arguing and he had been spending more time at work.

“If that’s what you want,” Brian said. “I want you to be happy and if being here doesn’t make you happy, then you shouldn’t stay.”

“Thank you, Brian.”

Brian got up and walked to the door. He got his jacket. “I’m going to go out,” he said, and he left. Liz logged on to the school’s website and looked at the courses. She picked up her phone and called a friend.

“Hey,” she said. “Do you think you could use a roommate for a little while. I think I’m heading back.”